3 Ways to Become a More Obnoxious Teen

yes of course this is obnoxiousTeens are famous for many things, from being unintelligent to being less intelligent than a bowl of kasha varnishkus. Teens are also famous for being obnoxious. Just as singers develop their voice (notice that singers are famous for having a good voice), teens must develop their ability to be obnoxious.

But what if you were born without this obnoxious gene? What if you don’t have the ability to induce ulcers and strokes in those around you? Well, then, I’ve got good news for you: you might be an intelligent ape, or, more likely, a very evolved flea. In which case, you just need to worry about either a) eating fleas, or, b) not getting eaten by apes.

However, by using simple addition, I’ve deduced that you are probably a teen, or, at least a human, if you read this blog. (The addition is as follows: title of blog, “High School Humor Blog” + “You” = “HSHBY”, or “Humans Standing H-united,” pronounced ‘united,’ “for the Betterment of Yetii,” or the plural form of Yeti. If you’d join an organization like that, you are probably a teen).

And so, regardless of the current level of your obnoxiety-skills, they can always serve to be improved. After all, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Faith, hope, and pixie dust. (That, right there, is a good example of an obnoxious joke).

Blast your Tunes

If you walk into a room with your music up loud, and people turn their heads towards you, their faces morphing into an expression of disgust, then you are failing miserably at being a teenager. Your music needs to be so loud that people are already watching the door when you walk in, because they can hear your music from three rooms away.

You can accomplish this a few ways. You could blast music from your earphones/headphones, but unless you want it to sound like the artist recorded their song inside of a tin can during an earthquake, you’re going to need some better equipment.

I’d recommend that you at least bring small, portable speakers around, hidden in your pockets. You can also bring one of those suitcases that is a massive speaker around with you. Heck, you might as well just learn to play a few instruments, such as the drums, synth, and “auto-tune,” and play live, LOUD music.

Whatever you choose, make sure to still leave your earbuds in your ears for effect, even though they aren’t actually plugged in to anything. I’m not even kidding when I say that other teens will find it ‘cool’ and be envious of the volume you can tolerate; it ties back to primordial instincts. Teens assume that anyone who can listen to loud noises must have a smaller brain, so that it is farther away from the sound. Of course, having a small brain is considered a good thing, because it means you’ve got less to worry about when you inevitably hurt your head fighting/thinking/opening the cupboard.

Wear Annoying Clothes

Sure, you might normally wear jeans, but have you ever worn tie-die neon magenta and puke green jeans? How about a T-shirt that says, “You don’t know Diddley?” If not, you’ve been dressing wrong your entire life.

Your clothes need to make a statement louder than your music. They should blind others. You should walk down the street and people should stop, point, and shout, “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…walking toward me! AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh…..”

But it’s hard to constantly dress like this; that’s why I’m here to help. First of all, never buy conventional colors. This means no blue jeans, no white socks, no brown belts, and no gray T-shirts (unless they say something like “I make it look easy”). Place random holes, loops of metal, and patches on your clothes. Walk by a mirror on your way out the door every morning-if it doesn’t instantly shatter, than you aren’t wearing obnoxious enough clothes.

Develop an Obnoxious Habit

Maybe it’s a burp. Maybe it’s an abnormally high-pitched laugh. Maybe it’s pausing like Obama does…between every…few words. Whatever it is, it’s got to be annoying. It’s got to draw out the veins on the foreheads of those around you faster than, say, Lebron James taking his talents to the New York Giants or the Boston Bruins in the hopes that he’ll finally get a ring.

If you really have no idea where to take this, than you could try to:
• Constantly interrupt others with “Yeah, okay, but who cares?”
• Make your gum more visible than your entire face
• Call everyone you meet “bro,” “dude,” or “homeboy”
• Spit your gum onto other people’s faces while interrupting with “Yeah, homeboy, but, like, dude, who cares?”

I’m not even going to give you a conclusion. Instead, I’ll leave you with a cliffhanger, just to be obnoxious: Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s-

If that cliff hanger left you wanting more, than here’s a (less-obnoxious) post from last year at this time: Attack of the Metaphors. Want to know why cheerios are metaphors? Read on.

The Complete Teenage Guide To Bowling With Friends

the bowling pin that won't fall downBefore I start, I want to clear something up about my misleading title: you should not go bowling with friends.  Ever.  Rolling your friends down the slickly-oiled lane and then, amazingly, still not getting that one pin that won’t fall down results in bad things, such as fewer friends and black eyes.  Instead, I recommend you go bowling with bowling balls.

However, this doesn’t mean you and some friends can’t go bowling.  In fact, if you are in the mood for a contact sport that’s fun, athletic, slightly dangerous, physical, and macho, I recommend that you play some football.  Then you can use whoever’s head pops off during your football game to go bowling (so, yes, I guess you could go bowling “with” friends)(this would probably be something like, “C’mon, Billy, stick your tongue out and knock down that four pin!”).

Honestly, bowling can be a terrific sport, as it combines all the elements of the perfect sport: winning, score, winning, a ball, winning, injuries, and winning with dramatic injuries.  I know that I personally have won many bowling games despite the fact that I, according to both WebMD and myself, broke both my wrists and my jaw at the beginning (in an injury attributed to “Getting the Bumpers to Go Up/Down/MOVE ALREADY!”).

There are a few things that you should know, though, when it comes to bowling with friends as a teen, so, of course, being an expert bowler who has yet to roll a gutter ball* I figured I could compile a few of them here.

*with the bumpers up-although I’ve known some people to bowl fast enough that the ball jumps the bumpers.  I’ve rolled many gutter balls with the bumpers down, but only wusses play with bumpers down.

The first thing you should know is that the bowling shoes are sized according to the Nordic shoe scale, where sizes were seven times lager than normal so you could smuggle a battle-axe past the raiding-boat security official in your shoe so you could raid small villages.  With that in mind, adjust accordingly.

The second thing-and this is hands down the most important thing you can do to ruin/enjoy your bowling experience-you will need to do is choose a theme.  Oh, man, because if you choose the wrong one your friends will all jump and yell at you and you’ll try to hit some of the randomly functioning buttons on the bowling-computer console, and the only thing those buttons will do, when hit frantically, is transmit your personal information to Somali forgers.

So, some advice for choosing a theme:

  • Don’t choose a theme with pink (for boys)
  • Don’t choose “No theme”
  • Don’t choose “80s theme”
  • Don’t choose with your eyes open

If you take that advice, than your theme will be perfect, unless of course it isn’t.

Now all you need to do is pick a bowling ball.  The average bowling ball weights, in pounds, are: 6, 8, “Who Do We Appreciate?!”, 10, 12, 14, 15, 16, 523, and unmarked.  If you are willing to take a gamble, go with unmarked, definitely.

Also, I know (from personal experience) that you, as a teen, will gravitate toward a ‘6’ to see if you can bowl fast enough to break the sound barrier (because bowling alleys aren’t loud enough for teens-have you heard how loud we play our music?). However, bowling alleys have wised up to this, and make the ‘6’ finger holes too small for you to fit your fingers into (unless you bowl using your right pinkie finger, left pinkie finger, and right pinkie toe).

As a side note (still from personal experience), you won’t break the sound barrier, although you will break just about everything else, including the employee(s) of the bowling alley.

All right! You’re finally set to bowl!  Before the first person goes, cherish the moment/turn, as this is the last turn anyone will bowl with an unbroken machine.

Yep, that’s right.  After the first turn, regardless of the score, your bowling machine will now break.

You will notice this because the score machine will give you all perfect 300’s, the little metal barrier won’t come back up, and the machine will slowly vomit pins, dropping from the top, until at least 90 pins have formed a pile on your lane (I’ve no idea how this works, because no lane has 90 pins.  I suppose the bowling machines are working together and gaining intelligence. [Prime scary theme music]  Look for “Attack of the Bowling Machines”, upcoming, in theaters near you.  Rated PG-13).

When this happens, you have two options.  You can hit the reset button, or wait a bit.  If you wait a bit, the machine will get out of the way, and you can enjoy bowling against 90 pins (thereby getting more than your money’s worth).

Regardless of what you choose, it will be impossible for you to avoid a bowling employee eventually coming down, walking up the lane, and disappearing in the back.  They won’t actually fix the machine, because, if you ask (from personal experience), the employee will reply, “I dunno, dude…I’ve never…never seen it do this before…Weird…Never seen this before, no idea how to fix it…Well, yea…I wish this idiot writer would stop trailing off all my sentences, making me seem like I was clueless…”

Then, the second time your machine breaks (on the second turn, usually), a second employee will try to fix it.  They will disappear behind the back longer, for a long time, and then even longer, and then just when you expect their mangled dead body to be pressed down onto the end of the lane in the shape of 10 pins (I’m getting lots of ideas for “Attack of the Bowling Machines”) like some bad reality crime/horror show, they’ll reappear and tell you the same thing (“I dunno…never…STOP TRAILING OFF MY SENTENCES, STUPID, RIGHT NOW…”).

Basically, that sums up your bowling expe-OH! WAIT!

I almost forgot to talk about the graphics (remember, your theme that was so important).  In between every role, you will see themed graphics on the computer monitor telling you what number of pins you knocked down, using non-related objects such as bi-planes, swords, fire, and a bike pump (I’m not kidding).  The graphics will be fun to watch until the second frame, where they will be re-used and become old.

Also on your TV screen (heck, might as well make this an even longer post) will be the bowling instructor from planet Zorkex.  I’m going to assume that everyone on planet Zorkex has perfect physical control, as the TV screen animated bowling instructor will only tell you where you need to hit the pins to knock them all down.  The sub context is clearly that you can easily hit wherever the computer tells you, being a perfect bowler, but that you are too stupid to know where to hit the pins in the first place.  Duh.

Now I can say, “Basically, that sums up your bowling expe-,” as this post is finally completed.  So, what are you waiting for? Grab some friends, grab some ESPN cameramen, and go bowling!

The Torturous Dental Examination

Dental ExamDo you know what the suffix “ist” means? It means “painful teeth.”  Dentist is a good example, along with orthodontist and periodontist.  A pacifist, for instance, is someone who’s teeth are still recovering from a dental/orthodontal/periodontal visit, and therefore chooses a path of nonviolence (as any hit to the teeth would push the pain threshold to the “mortally wounded” level). 

So, by definition, it is no mystery why kids hate the dentist.  But teens have even more reason to hate a dental visit. 

Ignoring the great Google, I’ve never seen or passed a “Teen Dentist;” it appears that the only dentists are for kids and adults.  Maybe that tradition started in the middle ages: anyone with teeth as a kid (needing a child dentist) would be dead of tooth decay by the teen years, and the genetic mutation/exceptions, whose teeth didn’t come in until later, the adult years, needed an adult dentist. 

So, the first dilemma for us teens is which dentist to choose.  You can visit a pediatric dentist, leading to many embarrassing problems, because, after all, you are ‘adult’ by cool-ness measurement.  Or, you can visit an adult dentist, where they no longer bother to sound proof the walls (meaning you can hear the anguished screams) or disguise the torture devices with flowery and seasonal decorations.

In my area, at least, the preferred choice is to stick with the child dentist until you’re off to college, so I’ll go into detail on the child dentist side. 

Chronologically, your first hardship starts with the waiting room.  Again, you have two choices, one child, the other adult.  You can play with the plastic blocks that have visible bacterial growth, or you can read the “Business Insider” magazine.  If you’re lucky, you brought a smartphone, so you can update your status as “Divide my possessions among all of my friends.” 

Then, if you are dying of boredom, you can help your parent fill out the medical questionnaire (this one being slightly less embarrassing than the one at the doctor’s office).  No, you don’t have any allergies.  No, you aren’t taking any medication at the time-gum doesn’t count.  Yes, you received a traumatizing head injury since the last visit, and no longer have a brain and right ear.  Yes, you are having a specific problem; it feels like someone is drilling for oil in your mouth. 

After a short wait, the length of which can be predicted by the total % of the plastic blocks covered in bacteria, you will be brought to the dentist chair.  It will resemble a sci-fi captain’s chair, as the first sci-fi movies ever made had extremely low budgets. 

As the examination starts, a light will be shined into your eyes, on the reasoning that if you are temporarily blind you won’t see them swapping in power tools for the implements you saw as you walked in. 

Required at the child dentist visit is ‘soothing conversation.’  Supposedly, it takes your mind off of the mining/digging/helicopter rescue mission taking place in your mouth.  However, the largest problem with this is the fact that you can’t safely respond. If you move your jaw even a bit, you can be sure that the dental assistant will slip and give you the previously unavailable option of detaching your jaw during Halloween. 

The only way you can safely respond to the questions is with pitched tones that exit through your nose.  This can make it difficult to convey complex thoughts, which is why the conversation sticks to questions such as, “Did you go on vacation this summer?”, “Do you like swimming?”, and “How should the US fix its budget?” 

As a side note, you can tell if someone spends a lot of time at the dentist’s if they are pinching their nose as they make sounds, allowing them to communicate better.  Either that or they are trying to keep the toothpaste from coming out their nose.  

The basic examination usually consists of at least five parts: the dye, the brushing, the flossing, the fluoride, and the X-ray.  

The Dye

This is the first part of your exam, as it shows where you are not cleaning your teeth.  It is a colored dye that supposedly only sticks to plaque, but, if it doesn’t find enough plaque, will also just form random patterns so that you can still be admonished on your uncivilized dental habits. 

The Brushing

The brush will appear, at first, to be a harmless-looking circle, but you shouldn’t be fooled. A combination of taste, pressure, and sound (like a 4-D movie theater, I suppose) has been perfected to send waves up and down your spine.

The Flossing

The floss is the same as floss you’d find in a store (as opposed to the toothbrushes which are illegal to sell directly to consumers under some gun-control laws).  However, the method is entirely different.  First, according to the ‘dental expert,’ you have to tie complex sailor’s knots around your fingers.  Then you should spend five minutes between each tooth, rubbing back and forth with the floss until you see sparks. 

The Fluoride

I’m not really sure how this benefits you, but they do it anyway.  Maybe it works on your gag reflex, so you don’t choke when trying to floss the way they demonstrated.

Anyways, you’ll get a variety of flavors to choose from, all of which taste extremely similar.  Play it safe, though, so don’t choose something like “moldy orange rind.”  Then, you’ll keep a foamy tray of the stuff in your mouth for 60 seconds.  The best part of that is you get to hold the little mouth-sized vacuum cleaner, which, if nobody’s watching, you can use to drain the nearby fishtank. 

The X-ray

This differs from the normal x-ray, in that you have to bite on some film.  Then, a metal object will encompass your head, zapping what’s left of your brain.  When you finish, you’ll be presented with a black and white photo, as color technology hasn’t developed in this area yet. 

At this point, your mouth should be tingling, hurting, stinging, two or three different colors, and have a generally unpleasant feeling.  Now, the doctor will look at your bite, say, “Looks good,” and get paid twice as much for it as his/her assistant does for the exam. 

Because you are at a kid’s dentist, you are allowed to pick out two prizes.  According to the ADA (American Dental Association), the prizes must be small, easily breakable, made in China, and worth less than whatever it says on the back of gift cards (something like 0.01 of one cent). 

As you exit, you will also receive a dental health report card.  It will have a number of boxes checked, along with some nice illustrations of teeth.  Most of the boxes say things like: “Discovered a new species of bacteria on teeth,” or “Patient should brush at least 5 hours a day.” 

Finally, you’re outside, escaping into the cool breeze (which also hurts your teeth at this point).  However, there’s no reason to show any emotion but the default flat expression, because you’ll be back in six months. 

Fortissimo School Pep Assemblies (and Dr. Seuss)

Sound Comparison ChartPep is one of my favorite words, because I know how to spell it.  For this reason, I try to use it whenever possible.  Word that describes you? Pep.  Your best friend? Pep.  Favorite Color? Pep.  See? It’s easy.

Schools have also become attached to this word; instead of having a “time-for-the-school-to-gather-and-scream-their-lungs-out assembly”, we have a “pep assembly.”  In case you didn’t get the description from the first part, the school gathers and screams their lungs out, hoping that the noise is enough for a certain saucy marsupial to hear and believe that there are actually people on a clover.

Oh, wait, I’m sorry, that’s wrong.  I’m getting real life mixed up with my English novel again; I think it’s called “Horton Hears a Who,” or something like that.

Anyways, these pep assemblies are great fun.  At them, there are three groups of people.  The students, the band, and those worthy of receiving pep. I have had the bad fortune to be a part of all three of these groups, at one point or another, so I am definitely an expert on Pep Assemblies.

The band gets there first.  They don’t actually do anything yet, because they have to mentally prepare themselves to play the worst hits from ‘80s.  Then, as people walk in, the band plays, as loud as possible, in the hope that the arbitrary quota of loudness is reached before everyone shows up, so people could skip the assembly and go straight to lunch.  This never happens, though.

As the students arrive, they go to the bleachers on the inside of the gym.  A number of factors that are considered upon arrival are: where are my friends, where are the teachers, and, most importantly, which 20-pound lights hanging from the ceiling look like they are swaying the least.  Then the students sit down and warm up their vocal chords.

While all this is occurring, the people who have lost their pep, and need to borrow some from the student body (the people the assembly features) are in an adjoining room to the gym.  Here, the athletic director goes through the list of names of the people he is introducing.  This is an attempt to psych these people out and make them think that the director will not mispronounce their names.

However, being a seasoned pep-er (no pun intended-actually, yes, yes pun intended.  I’m so sick of everyone saying, “no pun intended” to draw people’s attention to a pun that was obviously intentional but one that the creator is worried won’t be found funny.  I stand by my puns), I can attest to the fact that the athletic director will almost certainly mispronounce your name (unless you are named Bob, which has the same spelling properties as “pep”).

Once the student body and band has settled in, the athletic director will use the mic and make a high-pitched squeal for attention (usually this is the mic malfunctioning, unless your athletic director just hit puberty and his voice is cracking).  After that, the director introduces the people the assembly is featuring.

After the featured people are lined up, having been left to stand awkwardly in front of the student body, the athletic director starts focusing on the true purpose of the assembly: to get loud.  In fact, he’s very open about it, saying something like, “Let’s get LOUD!”

The crowd responds, “aaaAAHAHAaahahah,” so the director goes, “That’s not loud enough! Get LOUDER!” The crowd goes “aaAAAAHAHAAAAHAHAAa,” and the director goes “Still not loud enough.  Let’s get LOUDER!” Then the crowd goes, “AHAAAAAHAAAHAAHAA!” (With a siren in the background as somebody’s esophagus comes loose and a friend calls 9-1-1).  Then, depending on the age of your athletic director, he’ll say, “Can you get ANY LOUDER!” and the crowd will go, “We are here! We are here! We ar-“, oh, sorry, switched into English-book mode again-the crowd will go, “WE CAN’T GET LOUDER THAN ALL CAPS WITHOUT MESSING UP THE FORMATTING!And the director will say, “Alright!  We’re loud!”

After the crowd is sufficiently loud, the athletic director will go on to narrate how amazing the students the assembly is featuring are: “The members of the boy’s sardine-canning team standing before you now have worked extremely hard to get to where they are, tonight, competing in the sardine canning state championship.  They’ve worked hours every week, braving dented cans, pollution-infested sardines, and broken nails.  Ladies and Gentlemen, your NIXON HIGH SCHOOL SARDINE-CANNING DISTRICT CHAMPIONS!”

Next, the athletic director will ‘invent’ a new cheer specifically for the event.  It usually pertains to the sport, so it might be something like, “Can the sardines! Can the sardines! We can can the sardines!”  As you can see, they are usually extremely creative.

The audience practices this cheer a few times, and then the athletic director signals the band.  The band plays the school’s fight song (as loud as possible) so the crowd will realize that the fight song was stolen from a college somewhere.  After the fight song comes the Alma mater.  Everyone mouths the words, listening to the person next to them, because no one actually knows the song.  It doesn’t matter, though, because the band drowns them out.

Lastly, the assembly ends, and the students run to lunch.  Usually, no one actually shows up at the competition that night, probably because they are too tired from the pep assembly.  Instead, the athletic director is forced to grab some people from a nearby apartment complex, explain what they need to do, teach them the cheer, and drive them to game.