May is for “May I go to the Bathroom?”

Just go with itHow many times have you been sitting in class, working furiously or taking notes, only to have your intense mental concentration interrupted by some nobody asking the teacher from across the room, “Can I go to the bathroom?”

And then, how many times has your teacher employed the ridiculously overused pun (of a quality so low I actually considered censoring it from this post) of “Can you? Do you possess the ability to go to the bathroom?”

And THEN, how many times has the student corrected him/herself and replied, “May I go to the bathroom?” And then you remember that you were concentrating until about thirty seconds ago, and it will take you, like most teens, approximately twenty-five minutes until you can re-concentrate.

Clearly, then, there is an easy solution to this problem: people need to stop having to use the bathroom. To do that, we basically need to stop eating or drinking. Which is why I propose all food be banned by the government and sent to less fortunate countries where the citizens don’t make a big deal about going to the bathroom anyway.

Sadly, that’s probably not a good solution, but it is filled with good intentions (similar to Rick Perry; you can see he’d be a terrible president, but he tries hard). However, occurrences like these do bring up a major issue in society (preceded only by things like death, cancer, or your phone’s autocorrecting habits): bathrooms and schools don’t mix.

There are a number of reasons for this, and while I could list them right now, I’d rather make you read the entire post.

Permission

Okay, I just laid out a situation where asking permission to use the bathroom is a problem. But let’s not examine just that situation; let’s look at all the illogical aspects of this basic concept.

First, verbal permission. Do our teachers actually have the power to regulate our ability to choose when to relieve ourselves? According to the Constitution, which we all have pretty much had it up to here with in history over the past decade of classes or so, nowhere are either teachers nor the federal government granted powers to regulate when we may (civilly) use the bathroom.

One solution, though, to avoid the disruption of having to ask, is the hall pass. Again, I cannot easily wrap my mind around this notion. We need a hall pass why? Oh, to show we have permission to use the bathroom, okay, got it. Please see the previous paragraph.

Therefore, the only reason for a hall pass is because our schools are so unsafe, so riddled with crime, that it acts as a helpful clue. When they find our body, they can figure out which class we came from and can try to pin down the location of the crime.

Clearly, the only ‘adult’ way to handle things is to let us use the bathroom when we need to; sadly, though, very few teachers allow this. I suppose it’s because they think that a few of us might use the bathroom as an excuse to get out of class. And that’s where they’re wrong; all of us would definitely use this as an excuse. However, that gets old after, oh, an hour or two, so it’s not like we wouldn’t return.

Facilities

I use the word “Facilities” because I feel it is a nicer word for something that could also be called trash, garbage, junk, etc. Basically, the point I’m trying to make is, the bathrooms aren’t exactly furnished with furniture from the Macy “Showcase.”

And it would be an insult to Wal-Mart if I compared the quality of the bathroom furnishings with the general quality of Wal-Mart. So, I am going to make this comparison, because I, a) am a teen and thus like making insults, and, b) don’t like Wal-Mart. The quality of school bathrooms is as bad as that of Wal-Mart.

You see, even in the nicest of schools, something is wrong. Because even the nicest of schools can’t solve the issue of teen brains and/or lack of funding.

In the boys’ bathrooms, you’ve got the problems caused by the teen brain (note: the actual teens are not to blame). On the stalls you have beautiful modern impressionist black permanent marker drawings, often accompanied by captions such as “—-,” “—-,” or “—- a ——- —–.” The locks of the stalls are broken, of course, due to being kicked/punched/bitten off, so none of the doors actually close. And, in the urinals and sinks, you’ve got, at a minimum, paper towels clogging the pipes, and at a maximum, well, I don’t feel like throwing up right now so I’m not going to tell you.

I have considerably less (read: no) experience with the girls’ bathrooms, although I have heard that the stall locks are in equally poor condition. However, this is usually due to a lack of funding, as the locks naturally break over time. Therefore, considering that the girls’ bathrooms are in such better shape, I propose we make all school bathrooms girls’ bathrooms. It would certainly improve the quality.

Actually, the real point of this entire post was the bad pun in the title, which I haven’t even touched upon since then. So, in conclusion, for the entire month of May, I ask that whenever someone asks, “Can I go to the bathroom?”, you jump up, pull a calendar from your backpack (from a supply you obtained at the dollar store), and walk up to them, flipping to the current month. Shove it in their face, yelling, “WHAT MONTH IS IT!? IT’S MAY! MAY! MAY I go to the bathroom?!”

Then, since silence is generally considered agreement by those who want to be agreed with, you can take the shocked silence of the teacher as permission that you, yourself, having just asked, may go to the bathroom, and you can leave the class.

But perhaps bathroom humor isn’t what you like to read. In which case, it is highly unlikely you have read all the way down to this point. Anyways, this is supposed to be a transition to why you should check out, “100 Tips for the Substitute Teacher,” published this time last year. I’ll tell you why you need to read it: it’s our longest post ever, it’s got 20+ pictures, it’s hilarious, and it is our number 2 most popular post of all time. You can’t not read this essential part of High School Humor Blog.

How to Deal with Annoying Family During the Holidays (And A Present for You)

(See Bottom For Your Gift)

just a funny pictureNo matter how involved corporate America gets in the winter holiday season, there is one thing that hasn’t changed: family.  It is still traditional for families to gather together this time of year in an effort to maintain emotional stability: presents make one happy, and family can get on one’s nerves.

And so, this leads to the inevitable; you are forced to deal with those family members whom you can’t stand.  It happens to all of us, except the Neanderthal on the Geico Commercials (because he’s the one his family can’t stand; so there’s no one to annoy him).  Here’s a rundown of the common culprits.

Ages 1-5

Sure, they may be ‘cute’, but these cousins (hopefully they aren’t your uncles or aunts) are innocent bits of trouble.  As teens, it is usually our job to ‘watch the [little monsters] and keep them out of trouble.’  You probably said, “Sure, mom.  I will,” while thinking ‘what could go wrong?’

Just the fact that you were thinking ‘what could go wrong?’ should be an indicator that something is going to go terribly wrong.  And it will.  You see, these little kids are absolutely terrific at finding ways to make trouble, because, believe it or not, they have less common sense than yourself.

For example, let’s say you are sitting in an unused room with just one 3 year old in the center of a sofa.  They can’t hurt themselves on the soft sofa, and they aren’t close to the edge.  But wait-they are about to spit up on the pillow, which was a gift from Great Aunt Mildred, who will be arriving tomorrow night.  So, you quickly grab the kid and run him over to the garbage can-crisis averted, right?

Wrong. It was fake! Instead of spitting up, he/she burps, and then picks up something disgusting from the garbage to put in his/her mouth.  Only your quick reflexes allow you to grab the piece of trash and toss it back in the can.  While you are preoccupied, though, the kid spits up on the $4,000 Oriental rug.  You put them back on the center of the sofa and run for paper towels, just in time to watch the kid fall off the sofa and hit their arm, which makes them start crying.

You try to ‘shush’ them, but you haven’t yet wiped up the rug.  So, you drag the kid over to the rug while you clean it up.  Then, though, they start chewing on the rug, so you try to get them to stop.  This causes more screaming, and then they fall on their arm again.  This time, the arm falls off, and you aren’t sure what to do.  They spit up again, and bite your finger.  Their arm starts crawling towards the garbage can. They scream.  Your parents walk in and see a dismembered, innocent little kid being abused by their teenage child.  Needless to say, guess who gets in trouble? (Hint: it isn’t the rug).

Ages 6-12

These kids are also troublemakers, but the difference is the trouble is intentional.  They still have the “Bambi Eyes” face mastered, so they can get away with anything (remember those unsolved “Jack the Ripper” murders?).

You need to stay away from these kids at all costs.  Actually, you need to build a cement cage in your yard and keep these kids in it, if you want to survive the holidays.  After all, that’s the only way to cope with kids like these: pretend to be playing along and breaking the ‘rules.’

“Alright, listen up.  Mom and Dad don’t want us to play prisoner, but we will anyway.  Just stay quiet about it so we don’t get in trouble.  I’m gonna lock you up in the cage in the backyard and bring you meals three times a day.  I will also give you a spoon, which you will use to dig yourself out.  If you don’t dig yourself out in time for tomorrow, though, I get all your presents.”

Ages 13-19

I shouldn’t have to tell you how to deal with other teens, as you deal with them everyday at school.  Please ignore the fact that teens enrolled in school have one of the highest depression rates.

Ages 20-35

These relatives are just plain ‘cool,’ and, thus, you won’t need to deal with them.

Ages 36-55

These relatives can be ‘cool,’ but more often than not they are stricter, nosier ‘parents.’ They demand perfect performance in school, social life, and extracurricular activities.  If you’re lucky, though, they’ll spend more time trying to get their kid out of the cement cage in the backyard than talking to you.

The good news is that they are great for signing forms you need a parent signature on that your parent’s won’t give: “Yes, Uncle George, it’s fine if you sign it.  It just gives me permission to go on the Las Vegas field trip unchaperoned, meaning I will learn more about the…culture…than if I was in a parent-controlled environment. And I know how much my education means to you.”

Ages 56-Beyond

Whether they are an older uncle or Grandparent, these relatives can be fun to talk to.  They realize the ridiculousness of certain things that your parents don’t and so, even if your 80 year old Grandpa doesn’t know “what the big deal is between an A and a C-I didn’t even bother with college. Heck, in my day, I dropped out of school when I was seven and went to work in a type machine factory.  Look’et these nice scars…” he’ll certainly find it funny that your parents care.

All in all, or none in all, or all in none, or all for one and one for all, or to infinity and beyond-sorry, I’m getting sidetracked-there are very few ways to deal with annoying visiting family members.  However, just remember to be thankful that you have these precious moments; sixty years from now you’ll be fondly nostalgic of cleaning up cousin Kimmie’s spit.  At least, that’s what I’ve been told.

Happy Holidays: A Present

In honor of the holidays, and on the topic of this post, I would like to offer you our ebook bonus content. Titled “10 Skills for Coping with Annoying Family Members,” this is the year-round advice for coping (after all, even cement cages deteriorate eventually). It has 2,000 words and 4 pictures.

It was originally created to be coupled with our ebook, “50 Skills Every Teen Must Have,” which you can pick up for free here (and so you wouldn’t normally even know about it without first getting our ebook).  For a limited time, you can get it without having to get the ebook and enter an e-mail address (if this offer’s expired, just pick up the ebook-the link to this content is at the end of that).

Just click on this button to get your gift (details of what will occur are below).

UPDATE: as of today (12-25-11) this offer has expired.  Sorry.  You can still get your hands ‘on’ a (digital) copy by getting our ebook, though.  Pick up our ebook here.

(You can’t see this button in a feed reader-this will take you to the post).

All you need to do is tweet or facebook share the message “Just picked up ‘10 Skills for Coping with Annoying Family Members’ from High School Humor Blog-for free! [link to content]” (using the “share to get” button) and then download your copy from the link.  This offer is only good through December 25th, though, so act now. Since it’s free, we won’t offer any return policy, although we will offer “0% APR financing.” If you have any problems, shoot me an email through my contact page.

The 5 Types of “Group Project” Workers

Group Project FightWe all love group projects, right? I mean, hey, if you’re in a group, you only have to do some of the work.  Actually, you don’t need to do any of the work-you can just depend on your group members for that.  Works out great.

Except that it doesn’t.  Let me use an analogy to get this point across: Ooog and his pre-historic semi-human friends were hungry.  So, they formed a hunting group and set out.  When a fat, juicy pheasant came by, none of the pre-historic hunters bothered to try to catch it, as they assumed their group members would do the work for them. 

This went on for about two weeks, with the hunting party crouching in the same patch of bushes, until they all gave up, famished, and went to McDonalds.  But, in a shocking plot-twist, they learned that McDonalds hadn’t been invented yet, so instead they reflected on their poor hunting ability and realized: there were no such things as pheasants, as they hadn’t yet evolved.  And then they all lived happily ever after, except for one of them, who got eaten.  Thus, the mystery meat ‘chikin’ nugget was born.

Now you see my point: that someone has to do the work, or at least make a trip to McDonalds.  But as soon as one person starts the work, it becomes their responsibility to finish it.  Which means the other group members still don’t do any work.

The solution? Eat your group members.  No, just kidding, don’t actually eat your group members.  Instead, sabotage another group this way. 

Realistically, though, the solution is to know the strengths and weaknesses of the types of people in your group.  (Also, this gives me an excuse to continue that brilliant analogy).

#1: The ‘Ooog’ Character

Just like Ooog, this person is quick to form a group and get everyone organized.  But when it comes to doing actual work, they simply assign that to everyone else.  However, you can force this person to do work with a combination of physical threats and lawyer-esque pinky promises.  On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best group member, this person is a 4, unless they bring stuffed pheasant, in which case they are a 7. 

#2: The ‘BoOooG’ Character

This member of the group is good only as a shield when you inevitably clash with another group over whose project was better.  A strong-performing BoOooG group member will absorb 14 arrows, 5 bullets, or 2 nuclear explosions before being used up.  If you do need to make this person do work, physical labor is often best (something like keeping the other kids quiet during your presentation, if you get my drift).  On a scale of 1 to 10, this group member is a 3.

#3: The ‘Alexander’ Character

First, I just want to say that I’m sure you’re an ‘Alexander.’ At least I hope so, because this type of person would find this list most amusing.  For that reason, I know you are this type of person (note: that was flattery-do not try to use me as a reference on your resume, as I will just tell a bad joke to your future employer).

This person does all the work.  If the project is not challenging enough, they will find some way to incorporate a side project, such as a presentation of their cold-fusion anti-matter time machine.  If you have an ‘Alexander’ in your group then you will probably get a good grade (unless you make the mistake of making Alexander ‘chikin’ nuggets).  This person is a 10.

#4: The ‘Henric’ Character

This person is, to put in nicely, rolling in so much money that they could build a perfect and peaceful world and still have enough money left to build a almost-perfect human civilization on Saturn as well.  Needless to say, they are a good person to have in your group when it comes to getting supplies (your group needs new Iphone 4S’s if you want to get a good grade) and getting a good grade (they might accidentally forget a few $1,000 bills in the project binder when you turn it in).  They are often stuck-up, though, so a spritz-bottle of lemon juice is good to have on hand (aim for the eyes).  The value of this person, on a 1 to 10 scale, is a 7.

#5: The ‘Bwa-caaauwwk!’ Character

This is not a person, but rather a bird of some sort.  Preferably, a domesticated one that does not have sharp talons and tastes good.  After all, you didn’t actually think I would advocate cannibalism, did you? You are only allowed to eat your group member if they are, say, a chicken. 

That doesn’t mean you have to, of course.  The bird is often good at providing the comic-relief element of your presentation, such as leaving a ‘present’ on your foot while you are presenting.  Also, birds have neater handwriting than any teenager.  This ‘being’ is a 4.5, unless it is a parrot with a Boston accent, in which case it is an 11+.

There you have them: your five types of group members.

Honestly, though, group projects can be a pain to complete if you and your group both do only as much work as your average employee at the federal department of ‘men with good hair’ (also known as: congress).  That is why I recommend avoiding group projects as you might avoid a falling satellite.  Otherwise, even without the good hair, you end up bickering in your group over who does what like the ‘bipartisan’ chickens you are. 

5 Steps to get rid of Steps

Steps (with warnings)Humans are obsessed with steps.  Not the stair kind, no, because then we wouldn’t have a problem with obesity and the like.  Everyone would be too busy climbing stairs to have heart attacks.  I’m talking about steps in a process.

I think the idea is that we can’t tackle a big task all at once.  So, for instance, if you were trying to, say, create/abolish taxes, that might be daunting to take on.  Actually, that was a bad example, because it has only two steps (first do something about the thousand people inherently opposed to the idea, such as explain to them why they really wouldn’t enjoy life tied up in a cave, then create/abolish a tax law).  Instead, let’s use the example of writing a literary analysis (complements of: my teachers).

Alone, that is a daunting task.  I mean, who forms strong opinions on literature anymore?  Everyone is too busy trying to deal with things that matte-ahem, things that are “less cultured”.  So, step one is to form an opinion, also known as a thesis statement.

Once you have your thesis, there are a number of other steps in the process, such as: create an introduction, create a body paragraph, create another body paragraph, and a third body paragraph, use a lighting rod to give it life, and then step back and observe, “It’s alive! Mwahahaha!” Oh, actually, not all of those are steps in the process, but you get the idea.  A task becomes less daunting with steps.

But isn’t this actually a bad thing?  As a society, we are telling ourselves that we can’t complete a task unless we do it in steps.  We are slowly undermining our own self-confidence, to the point where we will eventually elect a single celled pond organism for president because of the leadership value it offers.  Hold on one second, I need to slap myself, because this paragraph is a little too deep.

Ouch! Sorry.  What really prompted this post, though, is our inability to even create steps.  Just today, I was doing an art project of some sort in a class, and, having spent an hour on step one, moved on to step two. It read: repeat step two.  So, I re-read step two: repeat step two.  So, I re-read step two: repeat step two. So I pulled out a match and engulfed step two in flames, never to haunt me again.

If we, as a society, can’t even write steps, how can we possible complete them? I propose we do away with steps altogether, and instead try to tackle tasks as a whole.  After all, there might not be a football season next year, so I need to see somebody get tackled.

To aid in this long and arduous task of ridding ourselves of steps, I propose a 5-step process:

Step1).  Go to Lowe’s and buy a power tool of some sort (preferably one that can light things on fire).

Step 2). Find a big, heavy dictionary.

Step 3). Find the page(s) with the definitions of the word “step”.

Step 4). Write an angry letter to the publishing company of the dictionary, explaining why steps are a negative thing.

Step 5). Return the power tool to Lowe’s, because it was really only in step one to make you think some sort of violence was ahead.

On a different topic, I’d like to thank KauaiMark for mentioning me on his blog to his readers.