4 Winter Styles to Keep You Warm

Liar liar pants on fireWhen it comes to fashion advice, we all know that the only authority better than a teen boy is a poodle. Since poodles are terrible communicators, though, most people just listen to teen boys.

As a teenager myself, it would simply be unfair to keep all of the good fashion knowledge secret. Especially the brilliant winter fashion we come up with.

Winter fashion is unique due to its two distinct schools of thought. The first is that there is no such thing as winter fashion; you might as well wear your basketball shorts, short shorts, short-short shorts, and invisible shorts regardless of the outdoor temperatures. The second thought is that you should wear something that looks like you wrapped a bedspread around yourself, so that you can stay warm.

Clearly, there are downsides to each course of action. You can look great, until you have to amputate a leg due to frostbite, or you can feel great, and look like an obese grizzly bear. Thankfully, there are a few things you can do to both look and feel great.

Set Your Shorts on Fire

Shorts allow you mobility, fashion, and fashionable mobility. Sadly, they expose your knees down (in guys’ case) or your nose down (in girls’ case) to the wild temperatures of winter.

But, if you set your shorts on fire, they will actually keep you warm! Obviously, however, you need to wear fireproof underwear and spray flame-retardant on your legs to stay safe*.

All of a sudden, you’ve taken shorts and made them even cooler, or shall I say hotter. As you’ve probably witnessed in your chemistry class, teens have a fascination with fire that springs from a combination of stupidity and an absence of intelligence (stupidity). Thus, if you liked how shorts looked, you’ll go crazy over just how cool burning shorts look.

*This might not be enough to keep you safe. As a general rule, it is often unwise to set clothes on fire, especially if you’re the one wearing them. I’m telling you this because I know that you, just like any other sane teen, paused for a bit and actually considered trying this.

Wear Ear Muffs

I honestly can’t say what happened to the earmuffs; they appear to be a fashion creation that was never in style. The history of earmuffs seems to go straight from the “concept” stage to the “outdated dorky phase,” entirely skipping the “stupid, but new and cool accessory” phase that carried the popularity of things like sillybands, powdered wigs, and neck ruffs.

Regardless, earmuffs are supposedly very good at keeping your ears warm. Thus, the only thing you need to do to make them fashionable is disguise them. The best idea is to draw your choice headphones’ logo on the outside. Then, if anyone asks you about them, just tell him that you’ve got the new “shag-carpet” model, and that you would offer them a listen but the bass sounds so intense that you don’t want to stop listening yourself.

Live Sheep Shoes

Girls have a slight advantage in the feet department, because it is already fashionable to wear “Uggs” boots lined with sheepskin. Even as an expert on fashion, I can’t tell you why the company decided on that name, because when you see something that looks horrible most people exclaim, “Ugh! That is so Ug-ly.” Nevertheless, they seem to be here to stay, at least for longer than the whole “rubber boots with large unattractive handles for putting them on” fad.

Teen boys, however, don’t have the ability to wear sheepskin or wool footwear, unless Nike decides to scrap the futuristic “lunarlon” material and go back to stones and animal furs. The only option, then, is to buy some live sheep.

Now, don’t worry. I’m not about to tell you to mercilessly butcher some mammals. No, all you really need to do is sew one sock on the top of each of your two sheep. Next, just slip your feet into the socks. You won’t even have to move your legs, because it’s basically like riding two sheep. The best part is that not only will you have the added warmth of the sheep bodies, but that you will also never get your feet wet stepping in puddles again.

Aluminum Foil Gloves

The cruelest reality of winter is that your body produces more than enough heat to keep you warm. Nature, however, absorbs all of that heat unless you wear clothes. Thankfully, aluminum foil is terrific at reflecting warmth, so if you want some warm, cheap, and, most importantly, stylish gloves, just make yourself a pair out of aluminum foil.

Don’t whine about how aluminum foil can be sharp, or about how you tried to throw your gloves away after lunch. You’ve got style and warmth. Besides, now your hands can double as solar ovens or Tupperware covers. Plus, you can wear these gloves when you feed your sheep, to avoid getting bitten.

Hopefully you’ve taken something away from this highly futuristic, highly fashionable, and highly secret list of winter wear advice. Even if you only leave this post with a singed pair of shorts, at least you’ve learned just how dangerous high fashion can be. Now, I’d love to continue to discuss warm winter clothing options, but I’ve got to go sew myself a neck ruff, ‘cause nobody uses a scarf anymore.

Snow Days FAQ: Frosty Answers Common Misconceptions

Weather PredictionsApparently, as Global Warming increases, parts of the world are supposed to get…colder [source].  Don’t ask me to explain it, because I am not a scientist (although I did once use the words “conclusive” and “data” in the same sentence, something I’m quite proud of).  What this means for you is that you can now start referring to this phenomenon as “Global Temperature Change” instead of “Global Warming.” Yes, I know that the bit about parts of the world getting colder is an inconvenient truth if you consider the name.

Regardless, this means that those of us lucky enough to live in the parts of the world that are cooling off will have, theoretically (hey! I used another word you might find in a science paper), more snow days.  Essentially, these areas are just stealing the snow days from the parts of the world that are heating up, which I believe is an act of war according to the Geneva convention.

So, then, many concerns may be brought up about snow days, since they directly affect those of us who attend school. In order to address your concerns, I’ve brought in an expert from Iran, who will censor all facts until you are presented with a fabricated truth (one which no concerns can be had about).  Oh, wait, sorry, that’s my backup plan. I brought in Frosty the Snowman, whose official job description is “JHC (Jolly Happy Soul) of Corncob Pipes Inc.”

Concerned Parent: Don’t Snow Days Take Away From My Child’s Education?

Frosty: Well, no, actually.  See, in an average day of school, your child will learn the casualty count of the 30 Years’ War, how to transform quadratic equations, and a couple words in French.  However, the average snow day will teach your child Newton’s 3 laws of motion (1. objects that are cold hurt more when they stop than objects that are room-temp; 2. Sleds in motion stay in motion until they crash into a car/brick wall/strolling velociraptor; 3. Unlike cartoons, it is almost impossible to actually roll a snowball down a hill and watch it get larger), plus many survival skills dealing with the cold.  The only way a school day is more valuable is if your child is planning on calculating, using quadratic equations, just how many corpses from the 30 Years’ War he will need to stack in a military formation before he can successfully ask the French to surrender their nation.

Concerned Teacher: Don’t Snow Days Disrupt My Lesson Plan?

Frosty: That may be the case, but I want you to consider one thing: would you rather allow your students to enjoy the snow or lecture a class while it is snowing outside? If you choose the second option, realize that every time you turn around you will have fewer students left and the 2nd story windows will be slightly swinging.

Genetics Scientist: Is Your Nose Really Made of Carrot?

Frosty: I usually wear the carrot one, yes. Sometimes, when it’s at the cleaner’s place, though, I use a potato instead.

Concerned Senator: How many people are in favor of me supporting snow days, and how many people are in favor of me supporting snow plows? Which is more bi-partisan?

Frosty: Well, 83% of voters support snow plows.  However, 100% of people who resort to underhand political messages, such as egging, Tp’ing, or defenestrating your house, car, or wife are for snow days. There is no bi-partisan stance on them, though, because only senators who lose elections have time to worry about snow days.

Concerned Student: Aren’t Snow Days The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread?

Frosty: Yes, I believe they are.  Studies may even show snow days to be more beneficial to a child’s/teen’s growth than graphically violent videogames.

Concerned Senator: What does “Defenestrating” Mean?

Frosty: It means to throw something out of a window.  However, the politically correct term is “Wow.  I didn’t think the window was so far off the ground. Oops.”

Concerned Superintendant: How Do I Know if I should Declare a Snow Day?

Frosty: If you can answer yes to any of the following statements:

  • There is snow on the ground.
  • It is snowing.
  • It is raining, but it could be snowing if you tilt your head sideways and watch the raindrops fall in slow-motion.
  • It is cloudy and below 40o.
  • There is a protest going on about Russian democracy, the euro, or the “99%.”
  • Google is not down.
  • The electricity starts talking to you.
  • You woke up and immediately started using oxygen.

Concerned Squirrel: Chirrp Chatter Chatter Chatter Chirp-irp?

Frosty: I’m sorry to hear that.  Can I interest you in a premium corncob pipe? It’s only $19.95.

Concerned Victim of a Snowball: What should I do if a Snowball hit me?

Frosty: First, are you above or below 18 years of age?

Concerned Victim: I don’t believe in the standard theory of time. However, let’s say I’m less than 18 years old.

Frosty: In that case, locate the snowball thrower and sneak up on them from behind. Grab two humongous fistfuls of snow and stuff them down the hood of the thrower.  Then, hold the writhing person from their ankles, swing around once, and heave them into a snow-bank.  If there are no snow banks nearby, then a regular bank’s drive-thru window also works quite well in terms of ‘message.’

Thanks for that vital information, Frosty.  I’m so glad I managed to get a hold of him-you have no idea how long I have been on his waiting list (I think I was just under the choir, the little child, and the Nissan representative who wants him to do a car commercial).

I hope that I have answered all of your Frivolous Aunt’s Questions about snow days.  If I didn’t, then you should definitely move to a planet where “Global Warming” actually means, universally, “Global Warming.”