3 Uses for Your Vacation Pictures

A funny picture of a funny pictureYou just returned from your long-awaited trip to somewhere warm, like the surface of the sun. Thanks to your smart phone, digital camera, and your camera/phone case which can withstand heat up to 10,200ºF, you took 4,322,566×1039 pictures.

Now, if you’re thinking, ‘hold on, that seems like a lot of pictures,’ let me explain: it’s not. Assuming you are awake for at least 8 hours a day during your vacation, you would only have to take 1.5×1012 pictures every second. I bet you took that many without even thinking about it.

The real issue becomes what to do with these pictures. You don’t want them to just sit around on your computer hard drive (assuming your hard drive has at least 90,000,000,000 terabytes of space, which it probably does unless you bought a computer meant for the average consumer. In that case, you need to get one of those top-secret government models; you know, the ones so secret that it is a felony just to talk about them).

No, you want people to SEE your photos. In that case, there are a few things you can do.

Facebook

Yes, the most obvious choice is to put the photos up on Facebook. Pick one and make it your wall photo, and take the rest and shove them in an album. Then, sit and wait. If you are really desperate, you can post that “i just returned from trip and was awesome check out my fotos please:) im desprate realy desprate please please.”

After all, this is what everyone secretly wants but is too scared to admit to wanting: trillions of vacation pictures that are boring, repetitive, and show just how much fun people had without you. Trust me, that’s why people still post all of their vacation photos on Facebook every year.

Actually, this might lead to your losing every Facebook friend you’ve made, although you should be able to keep your real life friends*.

*We all know this is wishful thinking. You don’t have any of those anymore. But at least you’ve still got twitter.

The other way to use your photos on Facebook, then, is to tag famous people who aren’t in the picture. For example, if you have a picture of a gecko, tag Newt Gingrich. If you took a picture at a baseball game, tag Mitt Romney. And, of course, all of your photos from Boulder Colorado or the Grand Canyon need to have Barack Obama tagged.

Create a Career

Upload all of your photos to your stock photo website of choice, setting the prices as low as possible. Then, set a goal of selling 1 photo. Assuming everyone else on the website is an adult, meaning that they can only take 4 or 5 pictures a second, your massive supply will mean it is virtually impossible for you not to sell at least one photo.

As soon as you’ve sold 1 photo, you can truthfully say that you are a successful professional photographer. If you want to put it on your college application, call yourself a self-trained successful moneymaking professional in-demand highly skilled premium grade artistic photographer.

Photo Albums

Photo albums are generally lightweight and pretty. Sadly, that means that teen boys have little use for them. You can’t throw them at anyone, because they are too light, and you can’t keep them anywhere visible, because they are too pretty.

All of these problems are solved, though, when you fill them with your own photos. They become both heavy and meaningful. All of a sudden, you have blocks of meaningful heaviness that you can use to:

  • Throw at someone
  • Whack someone with
  • Use for school projects
  • Build a house out of
  • Build an awesome house out of in a way that you can remove parts of the walls and whack people with them
  • Use aforementioned house for school projects

Whichever option you choose, I’m sure it is the right choice. There is only one wrong option, and that is: doing nothing. After all, you need to force your friends/politicians/teachers/family/pets to see each and every photo.

I mean, how could you live with yourself if you selfishly refused to share every one of the 4,322,566×1039 masterpieces that you took? You couldn’t.

At the end of July 2011, we launched our ebook, titled “50 Essential Skills Every Teen Must Have.” It’s completely free, and you can pick up your copy (if you haven’t already gotten it) on our ebook page.

The Movie Industry’s War on Teen Books

A funny movie posterWith the release of “The Lorax” this past week*, this marks the 549,786,235 movie that Hollywood has taken straight from a book. As far as I can tell, the number is probably actually ten digits, but I don’t want to be seen as sensationalizing things.

*At least I think it was this past week. Obviously, being a teen, I’m not going to go check. If it wasn’t last week, let’s just blame the whole thing on daylight savings time for messing up our lives for a SECOND time in twelve months.

But this movie isn’t the only culprit. Oh, no. In a few weeks, you’ll be watching “The Hunger Games.” Also supposed to be released this year are various Batman, Spiderman, and Lord of the Rings rehashings, which, may I remind you, all originated in books.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: are these really unique to teens? Shouldn’t the rest of society be included? The answer to that is probably yes. But this blog is a humor blog dealing with high school, so I’m going to limit this to teens.

After all, it is teens that have more recently read all these books; adults have had years to forget the books and focus on the movies. And after all, the most hated book-to-movie ever, “Twilight,” started with a teen novel.

This is not just a coincidence. The next thing you know, some other terrible book like “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” will become a movie. Oh wait. It already has.

If that’s not mind-blowing enough, know that it won’t stop here. There are more bad books than good books, so there are going to be more bad movies made than good movies made. Heck, they’ll probably turn your calculus textbook into a movie, and call it “Useless Math: A Journey to find Purpose.” The sequel will be called “AP Useless Math: And You Thought the First One had No Plot.”

This leaves us teenagers two choices when faced with this attack. We can respond diplomatically, or we can respond with our own war on the movie industry.

The diplomatic response would be to fly to LA and talk to anyone who’ll listen. However, this too often turns into an “Occupy” movement, although we know that LA has many less tanks than Syria. Besides, the only people who will listen will be the lower status movie workers, such as the actors’ aides and makeup artists.

Assuming they do listen and take action, we’ll just end up with badly adapted movies featuring actors with sloppy makeup, hair in their eyes, and who are falling asleep, as their assistants got them decaf on purpose. Although in some instances, like the “Twilight” one, this would have definitely been an improvement.

Personally, the teen in me (which is about 99% of me, the other 1% being the end of my dinner that isn’t totally digested yet), likes the war idea better. I propose that we take drastic action.

We need to hold every author hostage until they sign an agreement stating that they won’t sell their book rights to the movie industry. However, with the rise of self-publishing, we’ll probably need some help in the manpower department (or womanpower, or humanpower, or corporationpower, or whatever is politically correct right now).

Therefore, I think we should enlist the help of the communists, Arabs, and occupiers, as they’ve got some vital mass uprising experience. Sure, to date, none of these movements have worked as planned, but, hey, at least they’ve worked out better than any French Revolution (yes, singular; pick any one of the seven revolutions that you prefer).

However, carrying on this scenario, I suppose the movie industry will retaliate with Titans, Transformers, Superheroes, Zombies, General Destruction, Talking Animals, Sparkling Vampires, and, worst of all, People with Refined British Accents. Meaning that we’d probably lose.

But then, if you take the scenario even farther, real life, during this epic battle, has become more interesting than the movies, and, having lived every movie ever made, no one will be willing to buy or watch movies any more. Thus, the movie industry loses.

Of course, that isn’t to say we don’t lose also, as even just the cute Talking Animals are probably enough to end society as we know it. But at least we could fake winning, and make the movie industry angry.

For example, you could wake up every morning and say: “Oh boy, am I looking forward to today. A breakfast of frozen waffles salvaged from the still-burning store, then a grueling hunt to find other survivors in the radioactive once-city, then a quick detour around the Zombie Robot den, and then a dinner at the bomb shelter on second street, of talking fish.”

Whereas the movie industry must say: “Oh boy, I am not looking forward to today. Nobody is buying our movies. Also, my house was destroyed when we had that tornado felled that skyscraper. And my imaginary friends have turned into horror movie villains. Darn.”

With this situation in mind, I guess that war is probably not the best solution, in this case. But neither is diplomacy. I think the ideal solution, then, is to force the movie industry to constantly watch their own book-to-movie movies after making them read the original, well-written book. If they don’t fall into depression/regurgitating meals/schizophrenia and stop making movies like these, then I don’t know what will work.

Last year at this time we focused a bit more on daylight savings time, with a post entitled “The 5 Types of Morning Teenagers.” Since you lost an hour this weekend, you now need to procrastinate even more intensely to make up the lost time. I recommend you start there.

If Teachers Ran the US Federal Government…

Teacher at chiefs of staff

(Click to zoom)

I don’t know where you are at the moment, but here in the US we are rearing up for another election, when Americans will exercise their rights of democracy to elect a president who is the “least bad”.

One of the issues right now with the US Government is that, to put it in layman’s terms, it is a representative body reflecting the demography of the citizens of the union who choose to follow civic humanism.  To put it in candidate’s terms, “Our country’s government needs a leader who is [describes self].” And, to put it in terms you will understand, the US government is both broke and broken.

Because of this, many people are convinced that things can’t get much worse.  However, in the interest of upholding the (self-bestowed) title of ‘humor blogger,’ I am going to show you that things could be much, much, much worse.

How? By portraying a federal government run entirely by teachers, or the people you spend your time at school listening to.

The Executive Branch

The president would be, logically, a political/history teacher.  However, they would not be a politician, only a history teacher.

This means that all of their policies would spring directly from those lovely history textbooks.

Healthcare would be similar to that present during the civil war; it would cost the federal government practically nothing, because there is exactly one cure for any ailment.  This cure is simple and easy to remember in one word: hack.  If you have any problem, the doctor will listen with a concerned face and then remove the limb closest to the problem.

Foreign relations would also be simplified.  The President would just use the foreign relation strategy found in Europe in the 14-15th century, which was essentially the idea that you could go to war with anybody for any reason, and forever (100 years war, for example).

Even our economy would be booming-we’d just colonize some undiscovered place and take its resources.  I mean, why do you think we are so interested in going to Mars?

Policemen (not really part of the executive branch, but they do enforce laws), though, could be any sort of teacher.  You might get pulled over and told, “Well, sir, I’m sorry to say that you were going e4+π miles above the speed limit,” or “If you can tell me the chemical formula for sodium phosphate, I’ll let you off with a warning.”

The Legislative branch

If you think congressmen are dysfunctional now, imagine if they were all teachers. You’d have utter chaos, with each teacher pushing for their own bill:

“…thus, the ‘Make the first monday of every month ‘Math’ Monday should pas-”

“Whoa, there, I’d like to propose an amendment that every other Wednesday be called ‘History of Western Civilizations Wednesday,’ because I thin-”

“Wait just one participle-filled minute! What about literature, the most important subject! I propose that-hey, no days start with ‘L’! Partisanship, I say, Partisan-”

“No me gusta la ‘Lunes Matematicas’ idea. Es mal.  Por qué noso-”

“Silence! We need to focus on the more important issue at hand: education funding.  Do we increase it from 96% of our budget to 99%?”

The Judicial Branch

Most teachers would likely run their courts just like they run their classrooms: no gum, show up on time, and no bathroom breaks (you should have done that in your passing time, which is 6.5 seconds)

“All rise for the honorable judge Mrs. Smith!”

“Thank you. Let’s see-who’s absent!? I see Mr. Gregory and his six attorneys of the prosecution, but where is Mr. Humphrey’s wife of the defendant? Is she ‘sick’ again?”

“Your honor, she was the one hit by the truck.”

“Oh. Please raise your hand next time you want to speak.  I will now hear the opening remarks-please make them at least 300 words but no more than two pages, single spaced-and good eye contact is a must.”

[Time Passes]

“…because they were found ‘guilty’ by Jury, I proclaim that the defendant be required to complete a forty-page analytical essay on a poem of the state’s choosing.”

Taxes

No, taxes are not a branch of the US government, but people focus much time and energy on why and how they are being taxed.  If teachers ran our tax system, then education for everyone would dramatically improve.

A tax code might be something like this:

  • 3.14159% sales tax.
  • 17.76% income tax.
  • A $50 fine from the author for every written grammatical or spelling error accessible to the general public (including Facebook)
  • A 2% additional income tax if you incorrectly answer the question: “Who was Neils Bohr.”

This would pay our federal deficit off in about 3 years (mostly because of the third bullet point).  And the best part is, you wouldn’t even need to worry about the ‘occupy Wall Street’ people, because a pepper-spray-wielding math teacher would complete a proof showing that, no, they are not exactly the 99%, but something like the 2.43%.

But, while there may be many positives to having teachers run the government, I’d have to vote against this idea.  I’d like to retain the privileges of using the bathroom whenever I need to, chewing gum, and watching ‘brain-melting’ TV.

If there are Teens…then there are No Thanksgiving Leftovers

An Empty FridgeAccording the national society of statistics that I just made up on the spot (NSSTIJMUOTS), 90% of American households with teens in them have 0 Thanksgiving leftovers.

I know what you’re thinking: “              .” You’re not thinking anything, because you are a teen (that’s why I am about to tell you what you should be thinking).  You should be thinking (brains ready?): “How is it that most American houses have no leftovers? Most Turkeys are 9+ lbs!”

Well, the answer is simple: you forgot the part about “teens” being in those households.  For those of you who don’t know, TEEN stands for Tirelessly and Effortlessly Eats until Nothing remains (or TAEEUNR in the long form, pronounced “teen-ager.” The ‘N’ is silent).

But even so, only teen boys truly have a stomach large enough for the entire Turkey.  What about teen girls?

To answer that, I’ve illustrated a few possible thanksgiving scenes:

The Small Family Gathering Teen Example:

Chef (probably the mother, or grandmother, or aunt, or, if it is New Hampshire, a presidential candidate): Come to the table! The dinner is served!

Chef’s husband/wife/spouse/chandelier (from herein referred to as Parent 2): That looks delicious.  Thanks for making such a nice dinner.  What do you say, teen son/daughter/animal/robot?

Teen: Oarshgt outowetu! [Stuffing face]

Parent 2: Be polite! Where are your manners?

Cousin of Teen (also a teen): Probably left them inadadslhf aswwerfshshsresg! [Started stuffing face]

Father of Cousin: Johnny! Don’t be so rude. I apologize for my son’s rudeness.

Mother of Cousin: Yes, I apologize. He usually finishes his insults before he starts stuffing his face-I taught him too. [Proud smile]

Chandelier: I apologize too.

Parent 2: Did our chandelier just talk?

Teen: Woeroiush agoierwshb.  Shwme thwyerme thhbnv vmlk.  Qwyplnb? [Still stuffing face]

Chef: My work of art! [Turkey is half gone]

Cousin: Swrury.  Ytwasdfwas gooeh, thowghe. [Still stuffing face]

[5 minutes later: meal is gone.  Result: no leftovers.]

The High-Income (Read: Filthy Rich) Example:

Professional Chef: The Thanksgiving feast is served! Bon Appétit!

Chef’s employer/teen’s parent/CEO of some company: Wonderful.  It looks good.

CEO’s wife: It’s exquisite! I can almost envision such a tasty turkey alive…with all those seasonings, stuffed with the gourmet garlic-rosemary stuffing…[Chef rolls eyes]

Teen son of CEO: [Hey! Writer! That’s my job! *smack*! Punches writer] [Rolls eyes also]

Teen: I’m gonna start eating.

CEO’s wife: Anything you want, son.

CEO: Sure, son. I am going to pause and be thankful that I get $5,000,000 a year for having nice hair and a deep commanding voice. [Short pause] Let’s eat. [Minor start as he sees that the turkey is half gone, already eaten by son]

CEO’s wife: It’s fine, honey, we can always afford to buy our neighbor’s dinner if we run out.

CEO: You’re right about that. [Laughs

[Teen finishes entire turkey.  CEO orders another from his chef.  Teen eats that one also.  CEO walks across to his neighbor’s kitchen and buys his turkey for $10,000.  Teen eats that one too.  There are no leftovers.  Teen eats professional chef.]

The Large Family Gathering Teen Example:

Chefs (Grandmas, aunts, moms, etc.)  [in unison]: Dinner’s ready!

[Small stampede of dads, grandpas, kids, and most importantly, teens.  One dad falls through the floorboards in his rush]

Male host: Let’s just pause a moment and go around to each of the 86 members of the Grabowski family we have here and ask for what everyone is thankful for.  I’ll start: I am thankful that flight Delta-344, the one coming from New York carrying another 97 members of our family that were planning on coming tonight, was only delayed for three decades in O’Hare, and not for a whole century.

Female host: And I’m thankful that O’Hare has a Starbucks.  [Nods to person on left]

Aunt, or cousin, or somehow related: I am thankful for this enormous meal, and that Marge managed to drive all 34 18-lb turkeys from the store to the kitchen in only two trips, before the snow started. [Nods to her left]

Teen nephew: Iamthankfulforfood.  [Dives into nearest turkey and swallows it whole.]

Teen cousin, across the table: Hey, no fair starting yet! [Grabs two turkeys and swallows them whole.]

Female host: Now hold on, we can work this ou-

Teen sibling, at southeast end of table: Leave some for me! [Grabs turkey and gnaws away].

Teen (turned 13 two days ago): Wait up! [Grabs a smaller turkey, but chokes.  Starts coughing].

Teen sitting next to choking teen: Hey, he’s choking!

Teen 3 seats down: More turkey for us! [Starts eating]

Teen who brought up the choking issue: [Silence, already eating].

[All other teens start eating.  Choking kid slips under table, where he is saved from choking by the family dog, who sits on his back amiably. Parents try to control havoc and receive potatoes in the face in return.  They run from room.  6 minutes later: no Thanksgiving leftovers.]

So, in recap: scene 1=no leftovers, scene 2=no leftovers, and scene 3=no leftovers.  Also, there were no talking light fixtures in scenes two or three (for those filling out the advanced stat sheet).

Note to readers: I am going to remove the Google Followers gadget, as it appears to no longer be working and Google is discontinuing the service.  If you want to receive updates from this blog, you can subscribe in a reader or by e-mail (top right box).

Also, I just thought I’d mention that in honor of black Friday, our free ebook is extra free (in fact, it’s a whole 40% off), meaning that you can now get it free of charge here (not that you couldn’t anyways, but it just isn’t black Friday without black Friday sales).