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Ted’s Writings

Beloit College Makes You Feel Old?

I’ve got some exciting news…the humor blogger over at Erik Deckers’ Laughing Stalk, (whose name is, for those of you who are sleep-deprived teens, coincidentally Erik Deckers) has published a guest post Ted and I (Phil) wrote for him as a followup to his post, “Beloit College Makes Me Feel Old“. (Basically, Beloit College publishes a ‘mindset’ list each year of which cultural aspects the freshmen at the college can or can’t relate to-read his post and then our guest post for more info.  Our post is our humorous version of this list).

Essentially, our post is a bunch of words that are funny, following his post, which was the same thing.  So you should definitely read both (or at least one of them).  You can find our guest post here.

And, of course, like all the other guest post announcements, a critic’s view:

“Wow! That’s amazing-wow is spelled the same forwards and backward! And in a upside, it spells ‘mom’! Crazy! Outstanding” [Critic is re-directed, by way of electric shock, to the pre-written script he was supposed to say.] “…And that’s almost as amazing as this new guest post by Ted and Phil, which is…um..[bzzzzap!]…Hilarious!”

Ebook Launch!

Humor EbookIt’s here! High School Humor Blog’s first ever ebook is now available! And, best of all, it’s free.

Go To Ebook Page

All you have to do to get this ebook is subscribe by e-mail.  Then, follow the directions in the confirmation e-mail you get.  If you are already subscribed by e-mail, then look for an e-mail from me (Phil) with your ebook download link later today (if you can’t wait, you can re-subscribe to get the confirmation e-mail with the ebook download instructions).  (IMPORTANT: If you have subscribed by e-mail but are “unverified”, meaning you haven’t clicked your confirmation link, check your spam box or re-subscribe for a new confirmation e-mail).

I highly recommend you check out our ebook page, because it will explain things in more detail, tell you more about the ebook, and may make you laugh (if you read the whole page).

As an added bonus, we’ve even included a surprise at the end of the ebook-if you want to find out what it is, you’ll have to get the ebook, of course.

If you have any questions or need any help, feel free to e-mail me.

5 Places that You Need to See, Eventually

Ways to travelFor some odd reason, people enjoy reading books such as “100 Places to See Before You Die,” “1,000 Places to See Before You Die,” and “How to live for 80,000 years so you can do all that stuff.” I, on the other hand, find those travel books very unappealing.

We all know that the title states “Before You Die” not because the writers assume you will naturally die at some point. It is because you are bound to be killed by malaria, by head trauma after falling down a steep mountain slope, or by the Loch-Ness monster as you try to visit every destination in the book.

But let’s stop talking about death and move onto some sarcastic humor (yes, I’ll be straightforward about the humor. Unless, of course, you’d like me to substitute some random word for ‘sarcastic humor’ every time I use it. In that case, let’s move onto some waffles).

As of about five minutes ago, I, Ted, am a self-declared travel writer. Therefore, I have compiled an enormous list of places to visit. Since most people do not like the time-restraint of death, I do NOT require that you visit these places before you die.

Additionally, my destinations are intended for teenagers, immature adults (who act like teenagers), or immature toddlers (who also act like teenagers). Thus, I present to you “5 Places to See Sometime if You Get the Chance – For Teenagers!”

 1). The Grand Canyon

 This quaint, stunning destination is one of the most fascinating geological features in the world. While its towering cliffs are beautiful and breath-taking, do not underestimate the canyon’s functionality.

For teenagers, a great thing to do at the Grand Canyon is to drop your cell phone down thousands of feet to the Colorado River below!

The reason for this act of phone-dropping is obvious. Say, you have the iPhone 3G, but you’re getting tired of it. Well, if you ‘accidentally’ drop your phone down the Grand Canyon, you may receive the new iPhone 17Q.

Be careful, though; some iPhones are known to amazingly propel back up to the top of the canyon because, according to Apple, “there’s an app for that.”

 2). The Great Wall of China

 It is said that the Great Wall of China, one of the greatest feats of all mankind, can be viewed from space (this is not actually true, but let’s forget about that and move on).

Since the 2012 apocalypse is nearing, it is a wise decision to go visit this destination. Of course, the aliens with spaceships are watching the Great Wall at all times (well, except for the other aliens who are watching US Congress for some comic relief).

Therefore, I suggest you put on some nice clothes and bring a sign that says, “Hey aliens, rescue me before the apocalypse!” Any alien in his/her/its right mind would immediately send down the spaceship to rescue a desperate teenager stuck on planet earth. That is why the Great Wall of China is a fantastic destination that you need to visit.

 3). The Empire State Building

For many years, the Empire State Building has been a well-known icon of the New York skyline. But more notable than the building itself is the famous “Murderous Penny Theory.”

This theory, equal in importance to Newton’s Laws of Motion, states that if a penny is dropped off the top of Empire State Building, it could kill a pedestrian on the sidewalk below.

Hypothesized mostly by world-renowned physicists (4th graders in science class), the theory is still of utmost importance to many high school students; it is about time someone tests the theory.

I personally suggest the same experiment should also be conducted with different items, including live chickens (who says chickens can’t fly?), those thank-you notes you were supposed to send out after your 10th birthday, those little parachute men, and US national debt (the heaviest thing possible).

After your visit to the Empire State Building, I predict that your next destination to visit will be Guantanamo Bay Prison.

 4). The Amazon Rainforest

 The largest rainforest in the world (at least for now), the Amazon Rainforest is host to millions of amazing plant and animal species. Additionally, it is most likely the source of all the homework you have ever received in your life.

Using simple logic, I have deduced that teenagers do not like homework, and less paper = less homework.

Therefore, when you visit the rainforest, a great thing to do would be to prevent deforestation for paper production. One way to prevent deforestation is to tie yourself to a tree, but what if a picture of that got on Facebook? That’d be sooo embarrassing.

The other way to prevent paper-production is just to burn down the whole forest. I guess you could still call this deforestation, but you can’t make paper from ashes, so it is definitely the better option. Upon burning down the Amazon Rainforest, you may face some legal and environmental issues, but it’s completely worth it.

 5). Outside your House

According to the magical land of stereotypes, many teenagers are mindless zombies that stay inside their houses with their eyes glued to television screens as they play Xbox games in which they, coincidentally, kill zombies.

If this is true, and you really have been infected by a malicious virus known as “Call of Duty: Black Ops”, then a great place to see would be the outside of your house.

At this fascinating destination, there are mystical things such as jobs, financial crises, and a great ball of fire called the sun. I really hope you check it out someday.

Readers: That ebook I mentioned is still in the works, but it is coming along nicely.  If all goes well, it may be in stores (or, at least our blog) near you by this weekend.  Best of all, I am glad to announce that it will be completely free; it will cost you no money whatsoever.  That’s good for both you and me, because, after all, who can trust teens with money these days? Actually, who can trust teens with anything these days, aside from one of those indestructible rubber “Kong” toys that you find at a pet store? – Phil

4 Hip Summer Styles

You, rocking those stylesIt’s a fact: emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards. Additionally, the facts on Snapple caps have nothing to do with this post.

Anyway, I’ll get a little straighter to the point. First of all, long introductions are overrated (not really, but I’m lazy so I’d rather not write one). Second, here are some great styles you need to try out this summer:

1. Rock that Hat*

Over the years, certain trends have caused the “wearing-direction” of hats to evolve. Originally, hats were meant to be worn pointing forward, yet things such as hip-hop music, deformed heads, California Condors, and the Phil+Ted blogging duo (yes, we are huge trend starters) caused hat-wearing styles to change.

On any given street (between Interstate 12.7 and The Yellow Brick Road), one will see countless pedestrians wearing hats backwards, sideways, diagonally, and all angles in between. But the next time you are about to put on your hat, you should rethink your actions. All those styles are so old; you should be unique.

So here is my advice: (assuming all of your hats have brims made out of stainless-steel like mine) file the brim into a sharp, pointed shape. Then, with the help of your fashion assistant, push the brim of your hat into the top of your head!

Now, instead of pointing forwards, backwards, sideways, or diagonally, your hat will point straight down – how cool, bro! It is likely you may experience a traumatic brain injury and/or death, but you’ll get used to it. So what are you waiting for? Finish writing your will, then rock that hat like a superstar!

2. Go Out in Underwear*

Teachers and parents are always telling teenagers to start reading/watching the news. Recently, I was watching the news when I saw something very interesting. The headlines were all about the Congressman Weiner Scandal.

You can learn one thing from this important news story: if a smart and sensible person (all politicians are geniuses, right?) can be on television wearing nothing but underwear, then everyone should follow his fashion-sense. At first glance, you might think this sounds crazy. But don’t worry, I tried it out and everything went smoothly. I walked through my closet, a locker room, and an Abercrombie and Fitch store in nothing but my boxers. Nobody even noticed! So I suggest you do the same and rock that underwear – it’s the hottest new style.

3. Even Better – Sag that Underwear*

One trend that swept across the nation was the ‘Sag my pants and look like a gangsta’ trend. That’s so 1700s, so I suggest you combine that old trend with my previous fashion suggestion. The product of that combination is to sag your underwear – wait, no…actually, don’t do that. Yeah, that wouldn’t be good. Well, maybe if you’re in an Abercrombie and Fitch store, but otherwise don’t.

4. Look like an Accordion*

According to reliable sources (ie: cartoon shows Tom and Jerry and Looney Tunes), if something very heavy (typically a piano) falls on you, you will survive and come out looking like an accordion. Well, how cool would it be if you walked into the movie theater/shopping mall/Bloggers Anonymous meeting in that hip accordion-style! Your friends would be sooooo jealous.

Although a piano may be destroyed in order to make you look cool, you do receive a new human-instrument in return.

For some reason, those who rock the accordion-style are often found hanging out in underground wooden boxes with people who wear their hats pointing down, yet some things may never be explained. But forget about petty mysteries and think about what we do know for sure: accordions are no doubt the coolest people around.

*should not be tried outside of an Abercrombie and Fitch store.