Every Argument (Ever) Against Finals

This one is not a masterpiece, so don't feel too bad that you can't see itWhat do smoking cigarettes and finals have in common, you ask? (Well, maybe I put the words in your mouth, but you asked it. Trust me on that).

The answer is: a lot of things. They both have dangerous health effects. They are both widespread epidemics across the world. And it doesn’t make sense to relate either finals or cigarettes to camels.

However, the most obvious thing in common is: people used to think that they were good for you. If you’ve ever watched “The King’s Speech,” a movie, if I remember correctly, about the famous “I have a dream” speech, you know that the doctor tells the king to smoke, because it will supposedly relax his lungs.

Now, I can’t tell you why people would think finals are good for teens, but they must have thought so at one point. I mean, society has never gone out of its way to make our lives miserable before*.

*For those geniuses* who missed it, that was sarcasm. Society hates us juvenile delinquents/juvenile delinquents in training/future juvenile delinquents in training.

*Also sarcasm.

However, this is no longer the case. In my unbiased and expert opinion, finals are nothing but a bad experience that you must try to pretend never happened (in doing so, ignore the scarring in your brain).

We Don’t Learn Anything

By definition, final exams are tests. They test our knowledge, which means that we must have already learned the material.

In fact, it’s the studying for finals that is when the real learning happens. So, all the teachers need to do is tell the students to study their notes for many hours each night to the point where they get very little/no/negative amounts of sleep, and the problem’s solved. Of course teens will do this simply because their teacher asked.

The Stress is Stressful

Finals are more stressful than, say, fighting he-who-must-not-be-named or competing in a hunger games. At least in those, you know it will end happily for you if you’re the main character.

This is not true for finals. There has been many a main character who has not survived finals, and thus did not get to star in the required subsequent sequel/trilogy/eighty thousand book series.

Just take William Jones, for example. I bet you’ve never heard of him before (and not because I just made him up*). That’s because, instead of killing the antagonist and getting the girl, he perished on page 36 of his novel (entitled “The Murder of the Gatekeeper of the Cave of Attractive Dragon Vampires on Planet Zorkylv” to encompass all possible customer demographics) after he was unable to answer the question “What is the standard deviation of the derived slopes of the equation 45×2+y3+13=z1423 on the domain of the dates of the birthdays of the students in the class?” during his math final.

*Which doesn’t mean that I didn’t just make him up.

Therefore, you get stressed when finals comes around (for example…). This stress causes more stress, because then you study for your health final and stress about the negative effects of stress. And then you go back to stressing about finals and then stress about the fact that you will never stop stressing about finals and thus start stressing about your stress and it’s health effects until you combust in a brilliant fireball of stress. Which will not even get you excused from taking your finals.

Finals Waste Resources

When you study for finals, you stay up all night. Thus, you use electricity all night. And you eat, all night. Not to mention, you probably use the bathroom a few times as well. All these actions waste resources.

Furthermore, the finals are usually on some sort of paper. More wasted resources. The paper was created using an industrial process, which has deadly pollutants that the company dumps in a national park. Even more waste.

The finals take the teacher time to grade. The teacher stays up late grading. More electricity use.

The finals keep the school open one extra week. More resource use.

Clearly, finals are basically single-handedly causing global warming. Which is quite a convenient truth for those who don’t like finals.

You’ve experienced ‘em. You’ve hopefully/probably/not really/haven’t/definitely haven’t/okay who are you kidding survived your finals. And now, you need to take on your finals. Obviously, finals are terrible for society. And I’m not just saying that as a finals-taking juvenile delinquent. I’m saying that as a finals-taking juvenile delinquent who hates studying for finals.

Last year, we brought you a fully interactive (meaning yes, it is coded and it works) quiz entitled “How Many Hours would you last during High School Finals?” It’s pretty awesome, and you should definitely take it if you have not already.

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