Everything You Need to Know to Pass History Class: WWI

WWIIt’s been a little while since our last “Everything you need to know” post, mostly because we wanted you to realize how much your grades would change without our constant help (we’re not going to classify whether it was “bad” change or “good” change; you should be able to figure that out. It may have even been “pocket” change).

However, in the spirit of the April is Awesome campaign, which I just created to raise awareness about how un-awesome April is in the hopes that that will change (start by closing school for another week and adding in nightly meteor showers/fireworks shows/alien visits), I figured I’d make your April awesome by explaining WWI.

Sure, that alone might not seem like an awesome thing. But when you consider that you will, I assure you, have at least forty test questions on WWI throughout your lifetime, you can see that I’m basically giving you six answers on a silver platter (although this blog is neither silver nor a platter, meaning that this is an imaginary silver platter. Which just makes it more awesome, because then you can do all sorts of things with it in your imagination, like make it a 4-D silver platter or give it eyes and legs. April is just so awesome).

Of course, as I have before, I advise you not to unquestionably trust this information. You should always be allowed to question things. For example, by the end of this post, you’ll probably be wondering, “Phil, how is it that you are so absolutely insanely smart?”

Causes:

The biggest cause of WWI was undoubtedly the fact that this blog didn’t exist yet. So, no one had any way to release tensions through laughter, because, let’s face it, the early 1900s were not all fun and games. I mean, would you be having fun if you knew that not only would the next 30 years bring a world war, but a major economic collapse as well? I don’t think so. Plus, as illustrated by the movies of the era, everything was in black and white.

There were other causes, though. Skype wasn’t invented, so it was hard for national leaders to use diplomacy. Also a problem was the fact that the European nations had decided to grab as much land and build as many guns as they could as fast as they could, which, surprisingly, did not end up leading to global peace.

Other factors include something called nationalism, which involves a ‘nation’ and an ‘alism,’ and alliances, which were sort of like student-council elections (“I’ll vote for you, you’ll vote for me, and then we’ll go invade that country over there and dig some trenches,” is a common phrase overheard during the high school election season).

The War:

Moving right along, because I know this is cutting into valuable procrastination/sleep/eating time, let’s start with the spark that ignited the war. It was not a very bright spark, of yellow-orange color, but unluckily for Europe it happened in the blimp-chamber where all the flammable gasses were hel-oh, sorry, that’s the Hindenburg. Yet another reason why people alive in the early 1900s were constantly breaking into tears in the street; they all just knew the Hindenburg would happen in 1937.

The actual start of the war occurred with the assassination of ‘the Duke,’ meaning that North Carolina retaliated by declaring war on Europe. Then Europe became split over whether to fight, laugh at, or throw exotic travel brochures at North Carolina. So, they decided to fight amongst each other to decide, and by the end of the war no one remembered to deal with North Carolina.

The war was fought using trenches, guns, and, in the Russian case, hammers and sickles. Millions died on all sides, tragically, until Russia decided it was difficult to compete using only farm tools. After they dropped out of the war, millions more died, until the United States decided that they needed to intervene to protect the dignity of North Carolina. Eventually, in 19-something, most of the dying stopped (although it could have been 20-something or even 30-something, although one of these three dates is a TV show. I forget which).

Consequences:

There were a lot of important consequences, so I’m just going to list them:

  • Germany lost
  • France, Great Britain, and the US won
  • Russia lost
  • Danzig, a town so small that if you lie down to sleep your head or legs leaves the town boundaries, won
  • North Carolina could go back to focusing on basketball, now that they didn’t need to worry about being attacked by the entire European continent plus Russia which isn’t really in Europe but whatever
  • Germany broke up with Russia although Germany said “I still like you, as a friend. So please don’t get mad. There’s no reason to, like, take our Eastern section”

One thing that did not happen, though, was that no one was able to deal with the problems this war created well enough to avoid another war. This led to WWII, which, in turn, led to other wars, which, in turn, led to the wars that exist today.

Which will, I’m sure, eventually lead to the Great Depression, which is why the early 2000s are not all fun and games. This is also why there is a great need for at least one month of awesomeness in the year, hence the “April is/needs to be (or else) Awesome” idea.

If it just so happens that you want to take a WWI test while chewing gum, then perhaps you’d better read “5 Ways to Avoid Being Caught with Gum.” Want to know why Shakespeare can actually help you hide your gum? Read on.

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Comments

  1. interesting way to interpret war but this does not sound like grade 10 war to me. Good effort though, but considering the amount of things you missed, not so sure.

  2. you will not pass history class with this half assed knowledge

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