Everything You Need to Know to Pass History: The Civil War

A map of the civil warAt High School Humor Blog, we’re deeply concerned with your grades. We figure that if you get bad grades, that means less competition for college and job spots (although we needn’t be worried, because we all know that writing at a mediocre level yields more income per year than, say, top-performing dust mites).

With this in mind, we are starting a new ‘series’ that may make appearances every now and then, with the aim of helping you get better grades.

Today’s topic will be the Civil War. Named for John D. Civil, it took place at some point between the birth of the United States and your birth. It is required curriculum in almost every history class, because the guy who comes up with the curriculum was related to John D. Civil (although his name is I. Doo Da-Kericulum; the relation is from his mother’s grandmother’s husband).

Events Leading Up to the Civil War

This is always when your teacher tells you “Oh boy, class, we’re starting the civil war unit today. It’s so exciting-you’ll really like it.” You’ll “really like it” as much as you “really liked” the unit on Hobbes and Locke, and the unit on the Declaration of Independence, and the unit on the Constitution, and the unit on worms that lived in the peat bog outside the Founding Fathers’ homes and did nothing but eat, poop, reproduce, and die.

To save you the trouble of listening, here’s what you need to know. First, there were a number of compromises that occurred, such as the Missouri Compromise (which created the official spelling of the word “Missouri”), the Compromise of 1850 (when people agreed to say “eighteen-fifty” instead of “one-hundred-and-eighty-five-zero”), and the Compromise of the Compromise (when people agreed to stop coming up with stupid compromises for minor things and instead create a curriculum that would require people to study these compromises).

Furthermore, there were tensions between the North and South regions of the United States. This was because people in the south had slaves and the people in the north tried not to have slaves except when necessary (such as when one’s income rose to a level where they could afford slaves). There were also things like economic factors (like taxes/tariffs), cultural factors, and prime factors (like 3, 2, or 7).

The Civil War

The actual war started when one of the states, probably Canada, decided to secede from the union, as in “the farmers woke up one day and pointed to the freshly-sown fields, shouting, ‘Secede (See, Seed)!’, which started the civil war.” From there, things got worse, as the Southern states all followed Canada’s lead by also seceding.

There were notable battles that occurred, such as the Battle of Getty’s Burger, the Battle of Aunty Em, and General Sherman’s March to the Sea. There were also important people that liked to hang around the battle scenes in the hopes that they’d get mentioned by a history textbook, such as Robert “E” Lee, Ulysses “S” Grant, and George “ ” Pickett.

The greatest mis-information to be found in a history textbook deals with Stonewall Jackson; he was not actually a great general. Rather, he was an actual stone wall somebody started calling Jackson when they’d had a little too much to drink, and the actual General of the battle used this joke as a morale booster for his troops.

The life of the common man was terrible on the battlefield. There were many ways to die, all of them horrible, and in addition people had to watch out for Russians. If one was injured, they’d usually get an amputation, and then die a few months later, unless they were Canadian, as the Canadians have always had better healthcare. In that case, they would be given an amputation and die a few years later.

After the Civil War

After the Civil War, an era known as the “reconstruction” era began, as in “Let’s reconstruct the border between us and the aliens that got destroyed during the war!” It was characterized by a lot of amendments to the constitution by Northern republicans to ensure that if the aliens did arrive, they’d at least be able to vote.

Also after the Civil War, the South said, “Okay, sorry, we were wrong about slavery and all the other complex causes of the war.” I’m just joking. Of course they didn’t. Instead, they said something like, “No comment.”

Other important things I might have missed include the mentioning of Frederick “Dred Scott” Stephen-Douglas-Lincoln-Davis, the Battle of Bull Run (where they all traveled to France to fight for animals’ rights), and the Government.

If you can master this material, I guarantee that you will get a history class grade that is so unusual your parents will personally take you to the amusement park of your choice. Then, they will leave you on a ride and drive away as fast as they can.

What were we up to last year at this time? Well, Ted wrote his most popular post to date, entitled “Beware of the ‘K’ Text.” It explains what that text saying ‘K’ really means.

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  1. You know what’s really weird? My substitute history teacher, who’s like 1 year out of high school, actually told us stuff exactly like this, when she was “teaching” us. It took my class (including me) didn’t realize she was being sarcastic, until she started talking about aliens working for evil corporate companies that used slaves for their own diabolical ends. Which is a complete lie, because we all know aliens were busy inventing the iPhone for Steve Jobs back then. Anyway. She had us fooled.

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