Everything You Need to Know to Pass Science: Chemical Reactions

A dangerous reactionIn continuing the High School Humor Blog series of posts that teach you everything you need to know to pass your classes, cleverly titled “Everything You Need to Know To Pass [Class],” I’ve decided to cover Science/Chemistry Class (why do we bring you these informational posts? Read the first paragraph here).

One of the interesting things about science class is that science is generally the easiest class to fail. You use one milligram too much of a substance, and BOOOOOOM! Just like that, your results are ruined.

Plus, and worse, the classroom has turned into a charred skeleton of what it was merely seconds ago, with parts of it still on fire. And the FBI Anti-Terrorism task force shows up, and before you know it you’re spending the rest of the semester in a solitary confinement holding cell hoping that your lab partner will hurry up and get out of the ICU so that he/she can visit you and bring candy.

Therefore, the first thing to keep in mind when dealing with chemical reactions is: never be the one to blame. Have your partner measure the chemicals. Heck, have your partner do the whole lab – you can offer your valuable commentary (for added value, give the commentary in a British accent). Or, if you must do the lab, make sure that you get your partner’s fingerprints all over the test tubes first.

Another part of chemical reactions is the fact that many of them are actually supposed to go BOOOOM!, give off toxic fumes, or contain substances that, if you get them on your skin, will burn right through your bones until that section of your limb falls off. Therefore, in most chemistry classes, safety, or a lack of safety, also impacts your grades.

However, there is only one part to safety, and that is: wearing goggles. Sure, they might be uncomfortable, awkward, dumb-looking, and have mold growing on the nose piece, but rest assured, if your lab suddenly sends shattered glass towards your eyes, only the rest of your face will be harmed. Plus, you don’t have to worry about toxic fumes, because the smell of the shared goggles will have already done whatever damage the fumes might do to your brain.

But the central idea you must grasp, if you want to pass Chemistry, is: why are you doing chemical reactions? The answer to this is: because even chemistry teachers have a sense of humor. They purposefully choose dangerous or amusing reactions, just to see how the students react (pun intended).

I mean, given the option, which would you rather do, lecture on the properties of particles so small that you are actually allowed to take billions of these particles through airport security, or watch teens with no common sense handle dangerous, fuming, explosive chemicals that could end up altering their brain so that they start acting like a bird or even lead to the loss of their arm or torso?

Once you’ve grasped this, you can realize that the true way, and the easiest way, to pass Chemistry is to provide your teacher with as much lab entertainment as possible. Got a bologna sandwich for lunch? Toss it in with the copper oxide over the burner and see what happens. Is your lab partner trying to text in class? Drop their phone in some water and then add francium, or acid, or both.

Heck, take your whole chemical setup and toss it, burner, ring stand, test tube, and all, out the window to ‘test’ the effects of gravity on your reaction. You’ll even get extra credit for hitting a jock (with a brain the size of one of those yogurt-covered raisins, the ones that look appetizing until you actually try one) and making him/it think that the Russians are attacking.

Personally, I think the most vital part of Chemistry, regardless of the grade, is to make it out of the class in one piece. It is difficult to pass the class if you miss school for a hospital stay, solitary confinement imprisonment, or trip to a government lab because of an acquired mutation.

This is why, to ensure your safety, I recommend buying Kevlar clothing, treating it with flame-retardant, and then putting on one of those X-ray lead jackets you get at the doctor’s office. You should also wear a gas mask, hair net, football helmet, and, on top of that, a beekeeper’s hat. For certain labs, you may even want wool mittens or a hockey mask.

I’d love to give more advice, but my three remaining fingers are getting tired and the hole where my nose used to be needs to be drained. Also, my vision is still a little asfwe yaago qpeeee

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