Everything You Need to Know to Pass the Written Driving Test

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One of the more brilliant ideas that our government has come up with over the years is the driver’s knowledge (written) test. If you are going to let someone drive a car, then half of their assessment should definitely be based on a multiple choice test.

This is absolutely genius. I mean, driving is exactly like sitting in front of a computer clicking the mouse. You’re staring straight ahead with a bored look on your face, moving your hands to make the pictures in front of you change.

But wait, it gets better. You need to get an 80% to pass the test! Talk about keeping our roads safe.

For example, let’s say some hypothetical bad driver (who is statistically probably a teen boy) is taking the test. He only misses one question, so he passes. However, that one very difficult question showed him a “DO NOT ENTER” sign and asked him what it meant.

He had four choices. It meant: a) the driver should enter the road; b) that the sign maker was supposed to type “Do Not” and then hit ‘enter,’ but he misread the directions; c) that the driver should not enter onto the road; or d) that the driver should never again enter anything, be it a building, contract, or road.

Now, this hypothetical teen boy didn’t know the answer, so he did the smart thing. He realized that most people will guess letter ‘c,’ and he figured that letter ‘c’ was the answer that made the most sense. Therefore, letter ‘c’ must be a trick answer, so he guessed ‘d.’

Nonetheless, he still passed. But he’s not a safe driver. The next time he sees a DO NOT ENTER sign, he’s going to ignore it. Let’s say it’s a freeway off ramp. In a best-case scenario, he causes a twenty-five mile long car pile-up and makes the road impassable for a week. If it was during rush hour, then the pile-up could stretch as far as all the way around the world, so he is hit from both the front and back.

Suddenly, because this teen didn’t get 100% on his driver’s knowledge test, he’s in a terrible situation. As unlikely as it seems, this could happen to you. So, I’m here to make sure you pass your driver’s knowledge test with a perfect score.

The Signs

Lots of times, you’ll be presented with a question along the lines of “What does this sign mean?” These questions are your friend, because they are easy.

If you’re stuck, look at the color of the sign. Each color means something different. Red is prohibitive, yellow is a warning, orange is road work, vomit green is a carsickness hazard, and if you see sky blue you’re probably looking in the wrong direction. (That’s why McDonald’s chose yellow for their ‘M;’ it’s a warning that it’s bad for your health).

Another thing you can look at is what’s on the sign. In school, if the question was “Does the sign saying ‘Right turn permitted without stopping’ mean you can make a right turn without stopping?” it’s obviously a trick question. On this test, the questions can be that easy.

If the sign has arrows, they usually denote the road’s path ahead. Therefore, a sign with an arrow tells you that the road does not abruptly come to a stop at a cliff edge, but rather continues ahead (regardless of the curves in the arrows present, this is true). If you don’t see an answer dealing with a sharp cliff drop, assume that the question was poorly written and choose any answer with “full speed ahead” (since you don’t have to worry about driving off the end of the road).

The Speeds

The nice thing about speed limits is that they aren’t secret. Otherwise, life would be much more difficult. “But officer, Haley said that John said that Stew said that Barbara said that she’d overheard someone whispering this speed limit was 45!”

Sadly, on the written test (which, remember, is a terrific indicator of real life performance), they’ll ask you questions like “How fast should you go on a two-lane road with a double yellow line that climbs a hill in the middle of a city block next to a coffee shop drive-thru?”

There is no way to study for these questions. The only thing you can do is remember some basic rules, such as the answer is rarely more than a three-digit speed limit.

The Right-of-Way

For some reason, many people like to talk about how difficult it is to learn who has the right of way. However, it’s very easy to learn.

Basically, if you’re on the right, and you both got to a stop sign at the same time, you have the right of way. It’s not called the left-of-way, or the straight ahead-of-way, or even the curds-of-whey. It’s the right-of-way.

The only other rule is that the right-of-way goes to whoever is already on the road. If you’re turning onto a road, anyone on that road already has the right-of-way. This can get confusing, because sometimes the people with the right-of-way will be on the left. While this seems like it would cause the universe to just instantly cease to exist, I assure you, it’s okay.

The exception to any of these rules is that monster trucks, tanks, and the President of the United States will always have the right of way.

Congratulations. You know now everything you need to know, save the stuff I left out, to pass the driver’s written test. If you are still unable to pass this test, well, let’s just say your grades are probably more of a concern then your driving ability.

Last year at this time we brought you, “Learning about the Middle Ages and Avoiding Depression.” Yes, both learning and the middle ages are very depressing.

Readers: As a heads up, this year is the infamous junior year for me. I’m going to continue posting as often as possible, but posts might be a little farther than 2 or 3 days apart (like they used to be). To make up for it, I’ll try to make the new posts a little longer, as this one was.

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Comments

  1. You had me in tears from laughing, as usual. Thanks, Phil! <3

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