A Better Set of Halloween Pranks

It’s terrible being a teen on Halloween. You aren’t supposed to trick or treat, while the little kids can, and you can’t just buy big bags of candy under the premise of passing it out to little children, while adults can.

So, teens have had to find a new way to celebrate Halloween. These days, we celebrate by pulling pranks. And if you’re not the prankster, you’re the victim. Which means most people simply don’t appreciate the entertainment value of these pranks. Recently, however, pranks seem to have gone from hilarious and good-humored to stupid and pointless.

Forking a Lawn

For those of you who don’t know, forking a lawn is exactly that: placing thousands of plastic forks in someone’s lawn. But if you think about this, you can see that this isn’t too high on the scale of the best pranks.

First of all, forking a lawn is the number three cause of global warming, right behind deforestation for paper production to use for homework and the noise emissions of high school pep assemblies. You’re wasting a bunch of non-decomposable forks, and you’re killing some grass.

Secondly, you’re actually helping out the victim of the prank. Apparently, it’s important to aerate a lawn, and the prongs of the forks do just that.

Finally, forking takes a lot of time. Not only do you have to push in each fork, but you also have to make sure that the bigger forks are placed in the center of the lawn, as per good table setting guidelines.

TP’ing A Tree

Covering a tree in toilet paper is also not a great prank, especially on Halloween. On Halloween, toilet paper can be confused for a very poorly made ghost decoration. Or, it might be confused for a badly made spider web decoration. Heck, with the size of the holes in Halloween masks nowadays, your toilet paper masterpiece could even be mistaken for an albino weeping willow.

Plus, it’s just generally bad to TP a tree, because toilet paper is known to attract grizzly bears. Just look to the Charmin’ Ultra commercials. Do you really want to attract these dangerous predators to your community? Furthermore, do you really want them to be encouraged to leave their feces? Probably not.

Covering a Car

Any car parked on the street on Halloween is in a perilous position. Oftentimes, teens decide to cover it in kitchen supplies, such as cellophane wrap and peanut butter. And yet again, we can clearly see why this isn’t a good idea.

The first concern is E. coli contamination. Nuts can often carry this bacteria, and it’s often very hard to treat cars for it. Usually, they have to stay for extended periods at the mechanics until they’ve been cured with antibiotics.

Secondly, you’ve got to worry about peanut allergies. It’d be terrible for someone walking down the sidewalk to suddenly swell up and break into hives as they passed the car. While teens have brilliantly started adding cellophane wrap to prevent people near the car from contacting any peanut butter, with today’s severe allergies the only way to be safe is to use sheets of lead. And let’s face it, at that point the prank becomes way too expensive to pull off.

Better Pranks

Now, if anyone else read the above descriptions of pranks, he/she might think, “Gee, maybe I won’t use those pranks this year. There have got to be better, less harmful pranks.” However, since mostly teens read this blog, a majority of you are probably thinking things along the lines of, “Oh, peanut butter on a car! I’d forgotten about that prank. Halloween is going to be AWESOME.”

So, the most convincing form of action would be to offer you better, funnier, substitute pranks.

Trick or Treat for Real

If you’re really focused on getting candy, and giving people a little excitement on Halloween, then here’s what you need to do: take an old, too-small costume and sew/glue some small shoes to the bottom of the feet. Then, wear all black clothing and sew/glue/tape the costume to your front, starting right under your chin.

Next, just find some dark doorsteps and get on your knees. If you wear enough makeup, people will think you’re a toddler right up until the moment you stand up with your “feet” now dangling above the ground (after collecting candy, of course). At that point, it’s a good time to make some witty comment and run away, such as “Wow, kids grow up fast these days,” or “I wondered what the effects of all that radiation exposure would be.”

TP a Person

Generally, you should always avoid young children and their overprotective parents, many of whom carry pepper spray, heavy flashlights, or tactical nuclear weapons to defend against the riffraff like you. However, if you see another teen that you know, this is a terrific prank.

Rather than TP’ing a tree, stand with the person between your friend and you, separated by ten feet. Then quickly throw the toilet paper back and forth, wrapping the person. Sure, this prank may not have a lasting impact, but think about it: how many roaming teens have ever worried about being TP’ed? Exactly.

Halloween pranks may be a tradition, but just remember: he who laughs last, laughs best. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but, aside from the fact that it perpetuates gender stereotypes (“he”), it seemed like a fitting quote to end with.

In all seriousness, remember that it’s wise to only prank your closest friends, any nearby family, or Joe Biden, because judging from the VP debates, he has a great sense of humor. Otherwise, you might end up in court on 2 counts of impersonating a floating toddler dressed as a skeleton.

If your focus is less on teen activities, and more on getting that holy substance known as candy, then you’ll definitely want to check out, “3 Ways Teens Can Get Candy on Halloween,” published this time last year.