How to Get to the Airport on Time

Plane WatchReaders: Since it is summer, I can’t really write about school, so I have decided to cover something more important for the next couple posts: summer vacations.

Yes, yes, I know that everyone makes fun of airports/airplanes/Disney child stars.  That’s all right, though, because I’m going to make fun of getting to the airport.  The difference between getting to the airport and actually being there is that at the airport, you can blame someone else for your problems, but before you get there you can only blame yourself.  Obviously, this is why people love flying so much.

Now, I could just tell you what it’s like, but I’d rather show you.  So, without further ado, I offer: Google Maps.  Haha, just kidding.  Oh, by the way, it is rumored that along with invading, owning, and dominating many of the internet industries, most recently social networking, Google is going to start their own airline company.

The trick to getting to the airport stress-free involves three things: planning ahead, a car, and car-mounted tactical field missiles.  No, sorry, it only involves two things: a car and car-mounted tactical field missiles.  If you’ve got the missiles, you don’t need to plan ahead.  I’m sure you can use your imagination, so I’m going to skip these instructions (for legal reasons).

The first sign of arrival at the airport appears with a long line of cars, but, since you should have saved a couple military-grade projectiles, you don’t need to worry about this line.

As soon as you reach the drop-off point, you will begin to hear the classic soundtrack (classic because it hasn’t been changed since 1968).  “Please do not leave baggage unattended.  Unattended baggage will be auctioned to the highest bidder,” “If you see unattended baggage, please grab it and take it with you,” and “This area is for loading and unloading passengers only.  Please, no stopping and starting.  Grab those passengers on the fly.”

You will also notice the signs, many of which say things like “United Airways,” “STOP,” and “Welcome home, Smith.”

After the rest of your party is dropped off, someone still needs to park the car.  There are many terrific and time-tested strategies to park the car in the space where it is least likely to be stolen, but my personal favorite is driving the car into a street lamp.  This way, it is not only inseparable from the lamp, but it is also ticketed for reckless parking (which may or may not be a valid offense, depending on the mood of the policeman).

Who would steal a car and either pay an expensive ticket or break the law? Most car thieves don’t want to do either, so they won’t take your car.

The person who parked still needs to get back to the airport, of course, and they can do this one of two ways.  You can steal a car or you can hitch a ride on the shuttle.  Personally, I’d recommend the shuttle, because they usually have a luggage rack where you can stash a stolen car (for when you need to get back from the airport to your car), so you’re less conspicuous.

That’s just about it; all you need to know to arrive at the airport on time.  For you experienced travelers, I offer a challenge: get there on time, but with no car-mounted missiles.  This means you will have to resort to your car horn, bad language, and a rubber-band slingshot to get there on time, because without that, we all know it is impossible.

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