How Teachers should Introduce Tests

Each teacher of mine gives a different introduction to tests, but I figured if things were standardized the whole system would work better (and I predict this will happen in the future, so note the futuristic influences).  Therefore, in the spirit of the standard flight attendant dialogue one experiences at the beginning of every flight, here is my contribution.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the bell has now rung.  If you haven’t already done so, please take your seats and place all backpacks under the seat in front of you.  And also make sure that your pencil and eraser are easily accessible.

If you are seated next to a door, window, filing cabinet, or someone who is attempting to read your mind for the answers, please read the special instructions located on page 43 of your student handbook.  Please remember that in the event of an emergency, the test becomes invalid and simply another thing to further raise your stress levels.

At this time, we request that all mobile phones, iphones, droids, ipods, and any other noise making device be turned off for the full duration of the test, as these items will otherwise be confiscated and listed on ebay to further increase profits. We will notify you when it is safe to sigh, chew on your pencil, and count the dots on the ceiling.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mr./Mrs./Ms. ___ and I will be your chief test administrator.  On behalf of your future and the school district, I’d like to welcome you to today’s test on ________.  Our timeframe will be one hour and twenty minutes.

At this time, make sure your pencil has been sharpened at least three times so you can have a peace of mind that yes, you sharpened your pencil before the test.  Also, make sure that you are sitting upright at all times; slouchers will be removed and placed in an undisclosed location.  Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d now like to direct your attention to the board.  We will be showing our safety demonstration and would like the next few minutes to consist of the most possible attention teenagers are capable of giving.

When I pass the tests out, you may start.  Fill out each bubble correctly, entirely, and darkly.  There are four exits from this room, one door and three third-story windows.  Please count the desks to locate which is your best option.  If we need to evacuate, mass hysteria and high-pitched screams will be your indicator.  Doors can be opened by turning the handle; windows, by diving out headfirst.  Each door is equipped with a handle, which may also be detached and used to beat senseless anyone in your way of escape.

Oxygen usage is always being monitored and you are charged by the liter.  In the event of a gas attack by ______ [rival school], and oxygen mask will automatically fall from the ceiling in front of you.  To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you.  Place it firmly over you nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally.  Although the bag does not inflate, hopefully oxygen is flowing to the mask. If you have a friend or someone near you who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then take his or her oxygen mask. Because of the new budget cuts, each mask is only good for five minutes, so keep your mask on until I advise you to remove it or five minutes is up.

In the event of an emergency, please turn your tests over and run for your life.

A life vest is located at the supermarket three blocks away.  In the event of flooding, run as fast as you can. Use the whistle on the life vests to play Beethoven’s ninth symphony while waiting for help.  If you aren’t athletic, climb to the roof and pray.

We remind you that this is a non-smoking, non-cheating test.  Cheating off of your neighbors is prohibited and enforced by violence.

You can find this and all other safety and test-taking information on page 44 of your student handbook.  We strongly suggest you read the 109-page handbook before each test.  If you have questions, keep them to yourself.  We wish you an enjoyable experience, and I hope you will come to ____ class again some time.

Ladies and gentlemen, the test has now been passed out.  You may now begin.  May we remind you that talkers will be interrogated, tortured, and given a zero.

Ladies and gentlemen, there are five minutes left in the test.  Please make sure you have answered every question to the best of your ability.  In keeping with my polite tone, I cannot actually tell you what happens if you have failed to do so.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of the test.  For your safety and comfort, we ask that you please remain seated until the bell rings.  This will indicate that the hall’s laser security system has been turned off.  Please check around your seat for any personal belongings you may have brought onboard with you, and please use caution when opening the door, as someone may be leaning on it.

If you require assistance, please scream for help and break into tears.  I’d like to thank you for regurgitating your knowledge and I am looking forward to going home and destroying your tests with a red pen.  I hope to see you again in the future, preferably tomorrow.  Have a nice day!”

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  1. I read this because of your one-year anniversary post (for blogging…I hope) and frankly, all the people who haven’t read this are idiots. This was hilarious, not as funny as some of your rather…interesting…ones, but definitely worth waiting for. I don’t know if that’s due to your creativity or the Oompah-Loompah’s editing. Then again, they are addicted to candy, so that probably boosts their mind’s…intelligence. If they have one. I don’t know (or care), but the point is, this one deserves some comments.

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