How to Be Sick

FunnyVirusYou might think that’s a dumb title. You might think that you would know how to be sick. Heck, you’ve been sick lots of times before. But, let me ask you this: were you ever sick in such a way that it was, y’know, like, sick?

Probably not. Most people are under the impression that catching a cold is an unpleasant experience. They’re right, of course, which is why I’m not advocating for you to go out and try to get sick.

But it happens, and when it does, there’s no reason why it needs to be as unpleasant as many people make it out to be. In fact, being sick creates lots of opportunity.

Are You Contagious?

You will inevitably be asked this question by every friend, acquaintance, enemy, and potted plant that you meet throughout your day. They really don’t care that you’re sick; what they want to know is, can they get sick?

In fact, that’s what you need to tell yourself: people who ask this are selfish. Thus, you can justify lying to them.

The first way to go about it is explain that you are incredibly contagious: “Yeah, I am contagious. I have something called the um, oh shoot, the, um, the black something. Let’s see…it wasn’t the black life…oh, I remember: I have this minor thing called the Black Death. Apparently it’s like super contagious and super deadly; as we speak, the government is building a concrete fence enclosing the entire state, and Hollywood has already undergone plans to fly Will Smith in here and get a movie going. But it’s probably nothing to worry about.”

But, if you don’t want the person to spend the rest of the day reflecting on his/her life that is about to end, you can also play a pitiful victim: “Contagious? No. I’ve got some sort of genetic thing that is just now manifesting, where my nose tissue slowly dissolves into mucus and my lungs are coughed out of my body, cell by cell. The doctors say I’ve got at least a year to live, though.”

Vomiting

Aside from dogs, no one really likes to hurl. Unfortunately, throwing up is a common syptom of your average stomach flu.

So, let’s say you’ve got the stomach flu. You know you’re going to barf. What you need to do is consider the very best or most comical time to vomit.

In case you aren’t sure what I mean by that, here are some ideas:

  • As soon as your classmates have finished lunch
  • All over that homework you didn’t really put effort into, right before you turn it in.
  • Right after your dog vomits for the tenth time that day
  • When your parent/friend takes a bend in the road too fast
  • When your name is called on the attendance list

A Runny Nose

The most widely spread symptom of any virus seems to be a runny nose. Now, many people like to make jokes about just how much their nose is running, but since you’re being sick the “sick” way, you’re going to go above and beyond.

The first thing you should do is go out and buy some expensive Nike running gear tailored to fit on your nose. If your nose is going to undertake the initiative to start running, it deserves only the very best.

The next thing you should do is hook up a hydro-electric power plant to your nose. That way, when someone tells you, “Dude, I went through five Costco-sized pallets of tissue boxes yesterday,” you can reply, “Man, that’s nothing: my nose powered my laptop, charged my phone, and kept my 80-watt lamp burning all night.”

A Cough

We all know that you can get away with saying almost anything if you say it while faking a cough. So, if you actually have real coughs, take it as an indication that you need to go around spouting the truth. For every single cough, you should have some other statement that you exclaim.

Some starting ideas for what to say include:

  • Answers to a test you’re taking in class
  • Names of random celebrities/political figures
  • Good-humored insults
  • SAT words

Thus, a conversation with a friend might go like this:

Friend: “Hey, you wanna hang after school’s out?”

You: “Yeah man, totally.”

Friend: “Cool. So how about we-“

You: *Cough* *Cough* Sarah Palin *Cough*

Friend: “What?”

You: “I didn’t say anything. What were you gonna say?”

Friend: “Oh, just that we could probably go to-“

You: *Cough* Ubiquitous *Cough*

Friend: “I’m sorry? Dude, what does that even mean?”

You: “What? I have no idea what you are talking about.” *Cough* Your hair *Cough* looks ridiculous *cough*

Friend: “Okay, that’s it. I’m done with this. See ya some other time.”

You: “Dude, what the heck? Just ‘cause I’m sick you don’t want to hang out with me?”

Friend: “Yeah, you’re right. Fine. I think we could go to that pizza place like at 4:00 if you’re up for it.”

You: “Cool. See you then.” *Cough* Gullible *Cough*

All things considered, even if you’re sick, it isn’t all bad. Sure, you might feel worse than that piece of gum you’ve been chewing since 8:00 AM this morning, but at least you can have some fun along the way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go jump over the concrete “Quarantine” barrier around my house and evade a couple CDC soldiers to get to the park to meet some friends.

If you’ve been lucky enough to stay healthy so far in this flu season, you might be more interested in our “Invaluable Guide to 5 High School Winter Sports,” published at this time last year. If you’ve ever wondered what to yell at a wrestling match or if the point of skiing is simply to break bones, then this post is for you.

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Comments

  1. Oustanding read, loved it.

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