How to Properly Understand Class Acceptance Letters

If you’ve followed my advice, and filled out your advanced class applications correctly, then you should be getting back class acceptance letters (or notes to go to the counselor/psychologist’s office.  My advice could have been misinterpreted by the school administration).

Let’s stay on the positive side, though, and focus on the acceptance letters.  If you didn’t get an acceptance letter, ask yourself this soul-searching question: is there any basis for a possible lawsuit? If so, act upon it.  I’ll still be here when you get the acceptance letter.

Generally, the letter goes something like this:

Dear Person/Mindless Slave/Deranged Organism/Student,

You knocked our socks off by being good enough to be approved for AP Advanced Class with TONS of Homework (taught by Mr. Ur-Doomed).  This is for the 2011-12 school year.

IMPORTANT: Your attendance is mandatory at the after-school meeting on May 25^th, where you will receive a summer reading, writing, and spirit-summoning assignment.  Please come prepared with a wheelbarrow, shovel, and/or a large car trunk to carry the materials for this assignment.  The questions, as you will learn, can be found at http://www.ur-doomed.com/summer/torture_assignment/questions/#s=1-34,953/.

If, for some mysterious and obscure reason, you have changed your mind at would like to not enroll in AP ACwToH, please tell your counselor this as soon as possible, but no later than: August 4^th, 1974.

Congratulations on being accepted.  This letter is almost over, but I am being paid by the word, so I’d like to thank you again.  I wish you good luck in your attempt to survive this class with fully functioning organ systems, because God knows that you will need it.

In fact, the administration has asked me if I will compound the luck I am wishing you quarterly, so that you will have enough to survive the summer and to pay your tuition fees.  The equation for the luck I am sending you is Total Luck=Luck(1.03)⁴.  If you did not understand that, I’d advise you to un-enroll from AP ACwToH, unless, of course, it is later than August 4^th, 1974.

Happily signing off,

Didimention Ur-Doomed

AP ACwToH Professor

After reading your letter, you’re probably a little overwhelmed.  So I’ll help you through it.  The first paragraph says you’ve been accepted, the second paragraph tells you that you need to show up at x time to receive the fuel for your fireplace next winter, the third paragraph hasn’t been changed since 1975 (yes, I mean 75, not 74), and the fourth paragraph exists because the teacher gets paid per word (so the luck compounding was just an example.  Yours could have a haiku, a statement about how excited the teacher is for next year, or an advertisement for life insurance).

At this point, you understand the letter.  Now the question becomes: what should you do next?  The way I see it, you have three options.  Number one, you could reset your watch so it said the date was sometime in 1973 and try to switch out of the AP class.  Option two is changing your name so that the letter isn’t actually addressed to you, and returning it to the office under the guise of it being erroneously delivered to the wrong person.  Choice three is dropping out of school and selling watches on the corner of a busy street.

However, I would not recommend option three.  Although there are many people advocating for the education of the “future generations”, and will be against you dropping out of school, these people are actually trying to cover up the fact that they are extremely bad drivers, and will likely run you over if you stand, stationary, on a corner for more than two seconds (unless, of course, you live in New York, where they allow the taxi drivers to triple the speed limit so that they keep the corners free of high-school drop-outs).

With that said, I leave you with this famous quote (by the frequently quoted and extremely famous Anonymous): “Wise men learn from other people’s mistakes.  Average men learn from their own mistakes.  Fools, however, take AP classes all four years of high school.”