How to win a Student Council Election

Funny Pic One of the more brilliant ideas that the great mind who thinks up all high school policies came up with is the idea of student governments. Obviously, you want to know how to improve the school from the point of view of those who would rather be anywhere in the world but school.

However, the first thing that must be done is electing these student council, student government, or student organized crime representatives. This is where you come in.

You see, at most schools, if you’re elected, you get put in the ‘leadership’ class. Sure, this boosts your college application, but it means something even more important: you now have a study hall that doesn’t say study hall on the transcript.

Sure, at some points you’ll have to actually work, but ‘leadership’ looks just as good and is one one-millionth of the work of, say, AP Biochemistry Physics Geology (or APBPG, for short).

Now, if you’re like any high school student, this almost sounds too good to be true. It’s not, I assure you. Only things like sleeping on a bed of gum are too good to be true.

So, then, the obvious question is: how can you win the elections? Should you pull a Watergate? Should you solicit donations? Should you solicit donations while Googling “Watergate”? (For those who don’t know, which is probably all of you, the Watergate scandal involved Mr. Nixon and a dam that he opened that flooded Washington D.C., making Congress mad at him).

Follow the Rules

You see, the first thing that every candidate gets is a packet with all of the rules for campaigning. The packet details procedures concerning what you hand out (such as buttons), when you can campaign, and which bank you are allowed to use when bribing voters. By not following the rules, you get disqualified, making it impossible to win.

For example, let’s say you are allowed exactly 1:00 to give your speech (that’s minute, not hour; this isn’t reality TV like C-SPAN) . You need to talk for exactly one minute, to the hundredth of a second. I find that the easiest way to do this is to train yourself using shock-therapy, opera singing, or both (such as: “[Singing] OOOOAOAHOAOOA-ouch!-OOOO”). Don’t ask me why that works.

Hand Out Awesome Stuff

Another part of the beloved campaigning is the the handing out of “awesome stuff,” such as buttons, pins, or things for people to wear on their shirt (such as pins or buttons). Obviously, handing out pins or buttons is not creative enough. Everyone will do that.

Instead, come up with awesome things to hand out, based on your first name so that people will be instantly reminded of who you are. If your name is Clay, for instance, hand out some aesthetically pleasing dried clay lumps. If your name is David, hand out some old VHS ‘vids’. And if your name is Jonathan, well, you’ll just have to tie up anyone named John or Nathan and hand those people out.

Make the Most of Your Speech

You will be given exactly 1:00 to make an impression on the rest of your peers. You want them to vote for you, so they need to feel like you are the best candidate around.

The easiest way is to be funny. Although your speech will be looked over by teachers, if you (assuming you are a teen boy) can slip by as many jokes like “— ——— —- —– ——? —– —- ——- — —-“* as you can, people will think you’re hilarious.

Another way is to change your personal appearance. Many people (teen boys) will shave their heads. You need to go a step further. Dye your hair blue, and then shave your head. You wouldn’t think that would make a difference, but trust me, people will know.

*note: this joke was censored to keep anyone who is not a male teenager from being offended, suing me, going blind, throwing up, and/or getting me banned from writing another word for the rest of my life. If you are a male teen, sorry. You would have found it hysterical.

After you’ve finished your campaign, the results will be announced. Assuming you did everything I instructed you to, you will have won by a landslide (literally: your sheer awesomeness will cause an earthquake, causing a landslide, which will bury all the people who weren’t going to vote for you). If you lose, it must be because fate was against you. And if fate is against you, well, let’s just say you should definitely go into politics when you grow up.

One thing that might get you more votes is if you give people rides. And you can’t give people rides unless you have a driver’s license. And you can’t get that unless you have driving lessons. Which brings me to “Learning To Drive: The Average Teenage Driving Lesson,” published this time last year. You should check it out; it’s a hundred times better than that strained transition.

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