If Teachers Ran the US Federal Government…

Teacher at chiefs of staff

(Click to zoom)

I don’t know where you are at the moment, but here in the US we are rearing up for another election, when Americans will exercise their rights of democracy to elect a president who is the “least bad”.

One of the issues right now with the US Government is that, to put it in layman’s terms, it is a representative body reflecting the demography of the citizens of the union who choose to follow civic humanism.  To put it in candidate’s terms, “Our country’s government needs a leader who is [describes self].” And, to put it in terms you will understand, the US government is both broke and broken.

Because of this, many people are convinced that things can’t get much worse.  However, in the interest of upholding the (self-bestowed) title of ‘humor blogger,’ I am going to show you that things could be much, much, much worse.

How? By portraying a federal government run entirely by teachers, or the people you spend your time at school listening to.

The Executive Branch

The president would be, logically, a political/history teacher.  However, they would not be a politician, only a history teacher.

This means that all of their policies would spring directly from those lovely history textbooks.

Healthcare would be similar to that present during the civil war; it would cost the federal government practically nothing, because there is exactly one cure for any ailment.  This cure is simple and easy to remember in one word: hack.  If you have any problem, the doctor will listen with a concerned face and then remove the limb closest to the problem.

Foreign relations would also be simplified.  The President would just use the foreign relation strategy found in Europe in the 14-15th century, which was essentially the idea that you could go to war with anybody for any reason, and forever (100 years war, for example).

Even our economy would be booming-we’d just colonize some undiscovered place and take its resources.  I mean, why do you think we are so interested in going to Mars?

Policemen (not really part of the executive branch, but they do enforce laws), though, could be any sort of teacher.  You might get pulled over and told, “Well, sir, I’m sorry to say that you were going e4+π miles above the speed limit,” or “If you can tell me the chemical formula for sodium phosphate, I’ll let you off with a warning.”

The Legislative branch

If you think congressmen are dysfunctional now, imagine if they were all teachers. You’d have utter chaos, with each teacher pushing for their own bill:

“…thus, the ‘Make the first monday of every month ‘Math’ Monday should pas-”

“Whoa, there, I’d like to propose an amendment that every other Wednesday be called ‘History of Western Civilizations Wednesday,’ because I thin-”

“Wait just one participle-filled minute! What about literature, the most important subject! I propose that-hey, no days start with ‘L’! Partisanship, I say, Partisan-”

“No me gusta la ‘Lunes Matematicas’ idea. Es mal.  Por qué noso-”

“Silence! We need to focus on the more important issue at hand: education funding.  Do we increase it from 96% of our budget to 99%?”

The Judicial Branch

Most teachers would likely run their courts just like they run their classrooms: no gum, show up on time, and no bathroom breaks (you should have done that in your passing time, which is 6.5 seconds)

“All rise for the honorable judge Mrs. Smith!”

“Thank you. Let’s see-who’s absent!? I see Mr. Gregory and his six attorneys of the prosecution, but where is Mr. Humphrey’s wife of the defendant? Is she ‘sick’ again?”

“Your honor, she was the one hit by the truck.”

“Oh. Please raise your hand next time you want to speak.  I will now hear the opening remarks-please make them at least 300 words but no more than two pages, single spaced-and good eye contact is a must.”

[Time Passes]

“…because they were found ‘guilty’ by Jury, I proclaim that the defendant be required to complete a forty-page analytical essay on a poem of the state’s choosing.”

Taxes

No, taxes are not a branch of the US government, but people focus much time and energy on why and how they are being taxed.  If teachers ran our tax system, then education for everyone would dramatically improve.

A tax code might be something like this:

  • 3.14159% sales tax.
  • 17.76% income tax.
  • A $50 fine from the author for every written grammatical or spelling error accessible to the general public (including Facebook)
  • A 2% additional income tax if you incorrectly answer the question: “Who was Neils Bohr.”

This would pay our federal deficit off in about 3 years (mostly because of the third bullet point).  And the best part is, you wouldn’t even need to worry about the ‘occupy Wall Street’ people, because a pepper-spray-wielding math teacher would complete a proof showing that, no, they are not exactly the 99%, but something like the 2.43%.

But, while there may be many positives to having teachers run the government, I’d have to vote against this idea.  I’d like to retain the privileges of using the bathroom whenever I need to, chewing gum, and watching ‘brain-melting’ TV.

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