According the national society of statistics that I just made up on the spot (NSSTIJMUOTS), 90% of American households with teens in them have 0 Thanksgiving leftovers.
I know what you’re thinking: “ .” You’re not thinking anything, because you are a teen (that’s why I am about to tell you what you should be thinking). You should be thinking (brains ready?): “How is it that most American houses have no leftovers? Most Turkeys are 9+ lbs!”
Well, the answer is simple: you forgot the part about “teens” being in those households. For those of you who don’t know, TEEN stands for Tirelessly and Effortlessly Eats until Nothing remains (or TAEEUNR in the long form, pronounced “teen-ager.” The ‘N’ is silent).
But even so, only teen boys truly have a stomach large enough for the entire Turkey. What about teen girls?
To answer that, I’ve illustrated a few possible thanksgiving scenes:
The Small Family Gathering Teen Example:
Chef (probably the mother, or grandmother, or aunt, or, if it is New Hampshire, a presidential candidate): Come to the table! The dinner is served!
Chef’s husband/wife/spouse/chandelier (from herein referred to as Parent 2): That looks delicious. Thanks for making such a nice dinner. What do you say, teen son/daughter/animal/robot?
Teen: Oarshgt outowetu! [Stuffing face]
Parent 2: Be polite! Where are your manners?
Cousin of Teen (also a teen): Probably left them inadadslhf aswwerfshshsresg! [Started stuffing face]
Father of Cousin: Johnny! Don’t be so rude. I apologize for my son’s rudeness.
Mother of Cousin: Yes, I apologize. He usually finishes his insults before he starts stuffing his face-I taught him too. [Proud smile]
Chandelier: I apologize too.
Parent 2: Did our chandelier just talk?
Teen: Woeroiush agoierwshb. Shwme thwyerme thhbnv vmlk. Qwyplnb? [Still stuffing face]
Chef: My work of art! [Turkey is half gone]
Cousin: Swrury. Ytwasdfwas gooeh, thowghe. [Still stuffing face]
[5 minutes later: meal is gone. Result: no leftovers.]
The High-Income (Read: Filthy Rich) Example:
Professional Chef: The Thanksgiving feast is served! Bon Appétit!
Chef’s employer/teen’s parent/CEO of some company: Wonderful. It looks good.
CEO’s wife: It’s exquisite! I can almost envision such a tasty turkey alive…with all those seasonings, stuffed with the gourmet garlic-rosemary stuffing…[Chef rolls eyes]
Teen son of CEO: [Hey! Writer! That’s my job! *smack*! Punches writer] [Rolls eyes also]
Teen: I’m gonna start eating.
CEO’s wife: Anything you want, son.
CEO: Sure, son. I am going to pause and be thankful that I get $5,000,000 a year for having nice hair and a deep commanding voice. [Short pause] Let’s eat. [Minor start as he sees that the turkey is half gone, already eaten by son]
CEO’s wife: It’s fine, honey, we can always afford to buy our neighbor’s dinner if we run out.
CEO: You’re right about that. [Laughs
[Teen finishes entire turkey. CEO orders another from his chef. Teen eats that one also. CEO walks across to his neighbor’s kitchen and buys his turkey for $10,000. Teen eats that one too. There are no leftovers. Teen eats professional chef.]
The Large Family Gathering Teen Example:
Chefs (Grandmas, aunts, moms, etc.) [in unison]: Dinner’s ready!
[Small stampede of dads, grandpas, kids, and most importantly, teens. One dad falls through the floorboards in his rush]
Male host: Let’s just pause a moment and go around to each of the 86 members of the Grabowski family we have here and ask for what everyone is thankful for. I’ll start: I am thankful that flight Delta-344, the one coming from New York carrying another 97 members of our family that were planning on coming tonight, was only delayed for three decades in O’Hare, and not for a whole century.
Female host: And I’m thankful that O’Hare has a Starbucks. [Nods to person on left]
Aunt, or cousin, or somehow related: I am thankful for this enormous meal, and that Marge managed to drive all 34 18-lb turkeys from the store to the kitchen in only two trips, before the snow started. [Nods to her left]
Teen nephew: Iamthankfulforfood. [Dives into nearest turkey and swallows it whole.]
Teen cousin, across the table: Hey, no fair starting yet! [Grabs two turkeys and swallows them whole.]
Female host: Now hold on, we can work this ou-
Teen sibling, at southeast end of table: Leave some for me! [Grabs turkey and gnaws away].
Teen (turned 13 two days ago): Wait up! [Grabs a smaller turkey, but chokes. Starts coughing].
Teen sitting next to choking teen: Hey, he’s choking!
Teen 3 seats down: More turkey for us! [Starts eating]
Teen who brought up the choking issue: [Silence, already eating].
[All other teens start eating. Choking kid slips under table, where he is saved from choking by the family dog, who sits on his back amiably. Parents try to control havoc and receive potatoes in the face in return. They run from room. 6 minutes later: no Thanksgiving leftovers.]
So, in recap: scene 1=no leftovers, scene 2=no leftovers, and scene 3=no leftovers. Also, there were no talking light fixtures in scenes two or three (for those filling out the advanced stat sheet).
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Great read and very well written!!!
Thanks, Sudhindra. I’m glad that you liked this post. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
– Phil