3 Sections of the Driver’s Manual That You Need To Know

Teens have a reputation for being good drivers.  After all, if you look at the stats, teens are less likely to accidentally hit their own children pulling out of the garage, less likely to forget where they parked (in the fire lane), and more likely to take shortcuts through agricultural fields in 4-wheel-drives (thereby saving the taxpayers the average cost of road repair/per usage).

However, in recent years (starting in 1912 with Model T Fords), teens have somehow failed to make the rest of the population realize just how awesome our driving skills are (“Look, Papa! I fixed the ox’s ribs right up! Almost like the Ford never hit ‘im!”).

In an effort to remedy this, and possibly get banned from driving for the rest of my life, I figured I would draw to your attention some very useful and interesting tips I found in my State’s driver’s manual.

The first point I think doesn’t receive enough attention is:

Weapons

In a direct quote, here is what you need to know:

“Never discharge a firearm, bow and arrow, or other weapon on or across a highway.  Only police officers in the line of duty are exempted from this law.”

First, obviously, is the really important part about the bow and arrow.  I think that is a warning of a nearby escapee, because if I saw somebody with a legitimate bow and arrow shooting at cars on the highway, I would assume the nearby asylum had a jailbreak.

It doesn’t matter, though, because if you read the whole two-line paragraph there is no penalty, aside from the fact that it says never and you could be shot from the other side of the highway by a police officer.

The second thing I want to bring to your attention is:

Overlength and Overwidth Loads

Overlength and overwidth loads have become an increasing problem due to a rise in obesity rates, which is why I would like to highlight this passage:

“A red flag, at least 12 inches square, must be shown at the end of any load that extends four feet or more beyond the rear of the bed or body of a vehicle.

Loads may not extend more than…six inches beyond the sides of the right fenders…[or] more than four feet in front.”

To start, I don’t understand the red flag law.  It seems that adding a square foot of red cloth to the end of a load makes it even longer and more unbalanced.  In fact, this is likely the reason, if the load overbalances, that it falls off and causes an accident.

Also, I think that we should ‘learn from history,’ as somebody put it, and make regulations to solve obesity (especially childhood obesity).  I’ve no idea what the penalty would be, but I imagine that the rules would be: “The stomach/belly may not extend six inches beyond the sides of the right fenders or more than four feet in front.”

Then all we have to do is convince people to buy smart cars, killing two birds with one stone!  The thinking is that smart cars have smaller fenders, forcing people to lose weight, and they are also good for the environment (so maybe killing birds was the wrong expression-I really meant to say two birds in the bush is better than one in the hand, environmentally, unless a stone falls on the bush, in which case you should bash whoever came up with those sayings over the head with a carved-stone bird).

Another vital section of the Driver’s manual is the part about:

Freeway Vehicle Trouble

As quoted:

“If you have vehicle trouble on a freeway, move to the right shoulder or emergency stopping area as soon as you can…If you stay with your vehicle, a police patrol will stop to help you when they come by if they are not on another call.”

The reason I pulled out this section for your notice is because it plain and simple makes about as much sense as my history textbook.

If you have vehicle trouble, how are you supposed to get to the right shoulder? The only reason you’d ever stop on a freeway is for something serious enough that you wouldn’t be able to move the car at all.

I suppose this, just like my history textbook, hasn’t been updated since 1905, so back in ‘the day’ you could just borrow the donkey of the person passing you on your left and tow your car over to the side of the road (donkeys, like your grandparents, were faster in 1905 then they are now, so it is plausible a donkey was passing on the left).

Secondly, if you do make it to the right shoulder, you’re doomed anyway.  A police patrol will not stop to help you ever, because they will always be on another call, namely the “Required Freeway Accident to Hold Up Traffic and Fill Up the Evening News so You Don’t Get There On Time.”  This is why all the abandoned cars you see on the side of the road are from at least the 80’s, as people lose patience after 23 years.

With these three sections in mind, along with some advice from my English teacher, who said, “Always look for connections,” I’ve got one more piece of information for you:

“If you have an oversized load of bow-and-arrows marked with a red flag and there are no bad jokes in sight, then you can certainly dump your load and give somebody else freeway vehicle trouble thus causing you to be shot by a donkey from the other side of the road who is exempted from sticking six inches over his fender.”

So, if you’ve had your driving lessons and passed the driver’s quiz then I highly encourage you to keep these four things in mind to make for safer driving.

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Comments

  1. Hilarious. Hi from Sydney

  2. Hi Phil ! Your narration is very hilarious and at the same time you touched the right points for safety.You have very good knowledge of what is what about the rules of safe driving.I enjoyed the entire narration and had read it thrice.
    Nice narration..keep it up.

    • Thanks, “edeals365.” Although I really hope you don’t think I “touched the right points for safety.” If you want to drive safely, do the opposite from whatever I suggest; this is a humor blog, not a bunch of safe-driving tips (sorry).

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