It’s Forecasting Season, which means You Need to Beware of Fores

A Fore, a made up creatureDid you know that 1 out of every 1 high school student will have to forecast (plan/schedule) his/her classes for next year? I didn’t either.

I mean, I always figured that they would make exceptions for the kids who had lost both arms in freak teen sleep accidents (please, take my advice: don’t operate heavy machinery when asleep), but clearly, statistics don’t lie. I guess that they just have to bite on their pencil and write with their mouth, or maybe strap the pencil to their belly button and work their abs.

The significance of this statistic is that it shows how forecasting has become a high school epidemic, to the point where not even those who have lost their right to bear “arms” must take part.

But what is forecasting, really? That’s a good question. And like most good questions, it deserves an elusive answer that changes the subject at the same time: forecasting is the action of casting a fore.

Since I have absolutely no idea what a fore, as a noun, is, for the purposes of our combined sanity we’ll imagine it to be a little furry mammal with sharp pointed teeth, about the size and shape of a baseball. Often, your local country club uses packs of these vicious mammals to take care of obnoxious golfers who won’t stop shouting “FORE!”

Obviously, then, you’d want to stay away from fores, or, as I’ve decided to call them, land-piranhas, and if you did come upon one, you’d cast it away. Hence, forecasting.

Today, though, due to a number of environmental issues that can all be tied back to the BP CEO’s Hummer 3 (which gets 0.0031 miles per gallon, on the highway), fores have gone pretty much extinct (partly because they never actually existed), and so high school forecasting is only symbolic.

For example, you want to cast away all the bad classes you’d never want to take when choosing your classes. This means you should not just cross off, but burn off, the options of taking AP Micro History of 1673, English Grammar Explorations, and Advanced Conceptual Theoretical Astrology from your forecasting sheet.

However, you can’t just leave the sheet blank; you do actually have to schedule something. Otherwise, if left up to your counselor, you’ll be ‘randomly’ assigned to classes taught by the teachers who legally have to wear a metal muzzle during class hours (sort of like Hannibal Lecter).

Actually, this brings me to my first point. One should always consider which teachers teach which classes. After all, if the teacher is a criminal, lunatic, or European noble (meaning, due to inbreeding to preserve noble blood, that they have really do have eyes in the back of his/her head), you probably don’t want to take that class.

Another thing to consider is that you have to weigh your favorite options and decide which are the final ones to make it onto your forecasted schedule. If you were rich, you could film a reality TV series pitting one class title against another, but since reality TV only serves to show just how many advertisements for cars can air back-to-back in one commercial break, I suggest you just throw darts, flip a coin, or pick the class with the shorter title.

This means that it will save you work, because you don’t have to write as much when recording your choice. This is why I always pick AP Bio over a class like Physical Education; I don’t want to write two words when I can just write five letters.

It is important to remember, however, that whatever you forecast has very little effect on your actual schedule next year. We’ve all heard the horror stories of the kid who ended up with no lunch, seven Algebra classes, or, worst of all, six classes titled “History of the Cheerio.”

These occurrences are due to the fact that a computer program has the final say in your schedule, and schools, being under-funded, can only afford the version of the software with the intelligence of your average brussel sprout. Really, then, the best forecasting procedure is simply a prayer to whomever sells this poorly created program that if an error has to occur, you’ll end up with five early release periods.

All in all, it doesn’t really matter what you forecast, how you forecast, who does your forecasting, why you forecast, where you forecast, or when you forecast, because a computer gets the final say. So, I recommend you use your forecasting sheet to fend off any un-extinct fores that could attack you as you walk to school, because, as I forgot to mention, many of them have rabies.

At this time last year, we published a terrific illustrated post entitled “The 3 Ways Teenagers Keep a Poker Face.” In case you’re sick of all this text, you should check it out; it’s got 8 pictures. Or, if you want more text, well, it also has text in it.

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Comments

  1. It took me about an hour to read this article, because as soon as I read the part where it said “History of the Cheerio” I could not stop laughing for like forty minutes. Oh, and I’ve already “forecasted” my classes for next year. Among them are Financial Literary (fun… :P… it’s required), Introduction to Web Design (maybe I’ll be good at this), Honor English 2, Chinese 3, and… many more. Ha. Fun, huh? Hahaa.

    • Yes, sounds like a ton of fun, especially financial literary. As a general rule of thumb, if the course title has more than five syllables, it is great fun (so “History of the Cheerio” also falls in to this category).

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