How many times have you been sitting in class, working furiously or taking notes, only to have your intense mental concentration interrupted by some nobody asking the teacher from across the room, “Can I go to the bathroom?”
And then, how many times has your teacher employed the ridiculously overused pun (of a quality so low I actually considered censoring it from this post) of “Can you? Do you possess the ability to go to the bathroom?”
And THEN, how many times has the student corrected him/herself and replied, “May I go to the bathroom?” And then you remember that you were concentrating until about thirty seconds ago, and it will take you, like most teens, approximately twenty-five minutes until you can re-concentrate.
Clearly, then, there is an easy solution to this problem: people need to stop having to use the bathroom. To do that, we basically need to stop eating or drinking. Which is why I propose all food be banned by the government and sent to less fortunate countries where the citizens don’t make a big deal about going to the bathroom anyway.
Sadly, that’s probably not a good solution, but it is filled with good intentions (similar to Rick Perry; you can see he’d be a terrible president, but he tries hard). However, occurrences like these do bring up a major issue in society (preceded only by things like death, cancer, or your phone’s autocorrecting habits): bathrooms and schools don’t mix.
There are a number of reasons for this, and while I could list them right now, I’d rather make you read the entire post.
Okay, I just laid out a situation where asking permission to use the bathroom is a problem. But let’s not examine just that situation; let’s look at all the illogical aspects of this basic concept.
First, verbal permission. Do our teachers actually have the power to regulate our ability to choose when to relieve ourselves? According to the Constitution, which we all have pretty much had it up to here with in history over the past decade of classes or so, nowhere are either teachers nor the federal government granted powers to regulate when we may (civilly) use the bathroom.
One solution, though, to avoid the disruption of having to ask, is the hall pass. Again, I cannot easily wrap my mind around this notion. We need a hall pass why? Oh, to show we have permission to use the bathroom, okay, got it. Please see the previous paragraph.
Therefore, the only reason for a hall pass is because our schools are so unsafe, so riddled with crime, that it acts as a helpful clue. When they find our body, they can figure out which class we came from and can try to pin down the location of the crime.
Clearly, the only ‘adult’ way to handle things is to let us use the bathroom when we need to; sadly, though, very few teachers allow this. I suppose it’s because they think that a few of us might use the bathroom as an excuse to get out of class. And that’s where they’re wrong; all of us would definitely use this as an excuse. However, that gets old after, oh, an hour or two, so it’s not like we wouldn’t return.
I use the word “Facilities” because I feel it is a nicer word for something that could also be called trash, garbage, junk, etc. Basically, the point I’m trying to make is, the bathrooms aren’t exactly furnished with furniture from the Macy “Showcase.”
And it would be an insult to Wal-Mart if I compared the quality of the bathroom furnishings with the general quality of Wal-Mart. So, I am going to make this comparison, because I, a) am a teen and thus like making insults, and, b) don’t like Wal-Mart. The quality of school bathrooms is as bad as that of Wal-Mart.
You see, even in the nicest of schools, something is wrong. Because even the nicest of schools can’t solve the issue of teen brains and/or lack of funding.
In the boys’ bathrooms, you’ve got the problems caused by the teen brain (note: the actual teens are not to blame). On the stalls you have beautiful modern impressionist black permanent marker drawings, often accompanied by captions such as “—-,” “—-,” or “—- a ——- —–.” The locks of the stalls are broken, of course, due to being kicked/punched/bitten off, so none of the doors actually close. And, in the urinals and sinks, you’ve got, at a minimum, paper towels clogging the pipes, and at a maximum, well, I don’t feel like throwing up right now so I’m not going to tell you.
I have considerably less (read: no) experience with the girls’ bathrooms, although I have heard that the stall locks are in equally poor condition. However, this is usually due to a lack of funding, as the locks naturally break over time. Therefore, considering that the girls’ bathrooms are in such better shape, I propose we make all school bathrooms girls’ bathrooms. It would certainly improve the quality.
Actually, the real point of this entire post was the bad pun in the title, which I haven’t even touched upon since then. So, in conclusion, for the entire month of May, I ask that whenever someone asks, “Can I go to the bathroom?”, you jump up, pull a calendar from your backpack (from a supply you obtained at the dollar store), and walk up to them, flipping to the current month. Shove it in their face, yelling, “WHAT MONTH IS IT!? IT’S MAY! MAY! MAY I go to the bathroom?!”
Then, since silence is generally considered agreement by those who want to be agreed with, you can take the shocked silence of the teacher as permission that you, yourself, having just asked, may go to the bathroom, and you can leave the class.
But perhaps bathroom humor isn’t what you like to read. In which case, it is highly unlikely you have read all the way down to this point. Anyways, this is supposed to be a transition to why you should check out, “100 Tips for the Substitute Teacher,” published this time last year. I’ll tell you why you need to read it: it’s our longest post ever, it’s got 20+ pictures, it’s hilarious, and it is our number 2 most popular post of all time. You can’t not read this essential part of High School Humor Blog.