Modern-Day Teen Athlete Concussions

ConcussionsNote to readers: I originally wrote this for the high school football season, but I forgot to post it. I figured I could either wait until next fall or post it right after the Superbowl. Because teens are so patient, you can guess what I chose to do. I don’t intend to come across, though, as one of those people who want an end to football. I enjoyed the Superbowl just as much as you.

Thanks to modern medicine, you know that concussions can be a serious issue. For example, concussions can be hard to spell, which could make you look uneducated. And it’s even harder to spell if you are actually concussed, so you’d have a tough time communicating your injury by text. (“i cant go 2 party, have conkushen.” “wats dat? u get a new pet?”).

So, then, while we’re thanking modern medicine for the knowledge of concussions, we should also thank modern technology for spell-check features.

But back to concussions = serious issue. You see, my theory is that concussions are really no more harmful, than, say, getting hit by a falling piano, mostly because getting hit by a falling piano will give you a concussion. Unless it is a cheap electric keyboard, in which case we should again thank modern technology for warning us, in the user’s manual, not to drop keyboard out window.

Now that you understand that concussions are a serious issue, let’s examine who, among teens, going from greatest to least, is most at-risk for concussions (known as the “concussion-prone demographic” for you business professionals out there who aren’t allowed to use monosyllable words if longer words are available, as it says so on your diploma):

  • Football players (on the field)
  • Football players (on the bench)
  • Football players (on the sideline but not on the bench)
  • Football players (in the locker room)
  • Football players (being carted, immobilized, off the field on a golf cart)
  • Other sports’ athletes (on the field/track)

Clearly, a disturbing pattern emerges: if you play football, it is actually better to be carted off immobilized than stay in the locker room. Also, sometimes people in other sports get concussions (like cross country, if you run too close to a low tree branch and you don’t see it and you have a soft skull and people step on you as they pass you). Mostly, though, it looks like football players have the most concussions, which could explain the stereotype that football players get lots of concussions.

So, then, if you do get a concussion, what happens next? Well, first you black out, and if you are two-dimensional, you may also see stars or birds around your head.

Seriously, though, a few things occur. The first is that you visit a doctor who wants to drop a cat on your head, or scare the cat with a scan, or do a cat scan, whatever that is. This tells you if your brain is still inside your head or if it got dislodged and fell down into your small intestine (this has happened to such bright people as Plaxico Burres, Michael Vick, etc. so believe me).

If you are eventually proclaimed healthy to play again (for football players, the estimated recovery time is thirteen minutes or three “You ready to go back in yet?”s from the coach), you also have to re-pass your concussion baseline test.

For those of you who’ve never heard of this, it is a computerized test that you took at the beginning of the season, the idea being that after a concussion you have to re-pass the same test at the same level to show you are fully recovered. That is, unless your brain actually fell into your intestine, in which case you only need to knock on your head to prove it is now hollow so that getting hit on the head again won’t re-concuss you.

The concussion test asks you a number of questions, many of which have terrific job-training skills value, such as, “Where is the x?” Honestly, the test has many obscure questions which may test your brain’s health but don’t show that you know anything more than how to read and/or click the mouse randomly.

Sadly, colleges, sensing that this, too, is a standardized test, require your results. I’ve heard that top colleges now consider your initial score as well as how fast you recover from a concussion in determining acceptance.

Once you’re back in good health, though, you can re-join your teammates and continue giving other people concussions instead. If you think that concussions sound unpleasant, well, I hear they are hard to get bowling, unless somebody accidentally bowls your skull instead of the ball.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Additional Resources

Want more?

Like this post? Want more just like it? Have a strange rash on your arm that is slowly turning into an alien life form? Subscribe to get more-convenient and free (yes, that is even the solution to that last question).

Grab our Ebook!

Our ebook cover

Want more hilarious content? Get our ebook! It's 5,500+ words with 19 exclusive pictures. You can pick up your copy on our ebook page.

Grab the Badge!

my badgeIf you want to share this blog with your readers, you can copy and paste the html code below.

Comments

  1. Hahahhaha! I was on cross country last season with my boyfriend, and he was running really fast and he fell and actually got a conkushen. I showed him this post and he laughed and he was like “This post is kind of my life…” I’m on track now and some people trip sometimes (it’s kind of hilarious) and then they get conkushens too. Track really involves lots of conkushens. Isn’t that weird? Well, in my school it does. Or maybe it’s just my team and we’re just really uncoordinated (or is it dis-coordinated? I’m sorry I don’t even know.) And I love that picture of the different brains. Great post.

    • Thanks, Natalia. I had to be careful when I posted it last night, because I was so tired that there was a risk of falling asleep and hitting my head on the computer. And that would have just been so ironic, getting a concussion posting about connckooshuns, that I’m pretty sure the universe would have ended.

  2. burstoutinsong!!! says:

    I think the diagram of the “Concussed Brain” is what my brain normally looks like anyway…I’m a pretty scatter brained person cuz I’m usually running on 2 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee and gum. Great post!!!!!!
    ~Abbey

    • Well, actually, if you run on gum, the gum slowly replaces your brain, so yes, I guess you would look like that diagram, except that instead of brain tissue you (and many other teens) probably have a mass of gum (including, possibly, myself, but I haven’t verified this yet). I bet if you used flavor-changing gum, the brain/gum mass might even change colors. And that would be awesome.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: