The Movie Industry’s War on Teen Books

A funny movie posterWith the release of “The Lorax” this past week*, this marks the 549,786,235 movie that Hollywood has taken straight from a book. As far as I can tell, the number is probably actually ten digits, but I don’t want to be seen as sensationalizing things.

*At least I think it was this past week. Obviously, being a teen, I’m not going to go check. If it wasn’t last week, let’s just blame the whole thing on daylight savings time for messing up our lives for a SECOND time in twelve months.

But this movie isn’t the only culprit. Oh, no. In a few weeks, you’ll be watching “The Hunger Games.” Also supposed to be released this year are various Batman, Spiderman, and Lord of the Rings rehashings, which, may I remind you, all originated in books.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: are these really unique to teens? Shouldn’t the rest of society be included? The answer to that is probably yes. But this blog is a humor blog dealing with high school, so I’m going to limit this to teens.

After all, it is teens that have more recently read all these books; adults have had years to forget the books and focus on the movies. And after all, the most hated book-to-movie ever, “Twilight,” started with a teen novel.

This is not just a coincidence. The next thing you know, some other terrible book like “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” will become a movie. Oh wait. It already has.

If that’s not mind-blowing enough, know that it won’t stop here. There are more bad books than good books, so there are going to be more bad movies made than good movies made. Heck, they’ll probably turn your calculus textbook into a movie, and call it “Useless Math: A Journey to find Purpose.” The sequel will be called “AP Useless Math: And You Thought the First One had No Plot.”

This leaves us teenagers two choices when faced with this attack. We can respond diplomatically, or we can respond with our own war on the movie industry.

The diplomatic response would be to fly to LA and talk to anyone who’ll listen. However, this too often turns into an “Occupy” movement, although we know that LA has many less tanks than Syria. Besides, the only people who will listen will be the lower status movie workers, such as the actors’ aides and makeup artists.

Assuming they do listen and take action, we’ll just end up with badly adapted movies featuring actors with sloppy makeup, hair in their eyes, and who are falling asleep, as their assistants got them decaf on purpose. Although in some instances, like the “Twilight” one, this would have definitely been an improvement.

Personally, the teen in me (which is about 99% of me, the other 1% being the end of my dinner that isn’t totally digested yet), likes the war idea better. I propose that we take drastic action.

We need to hold every author hostage until they sign an agreement stating that they won’t sell their book rights to the movie industry. However, with the rise of self-publishing, we’ll probably need some help in the manpower department (or womanpower, or humanpower, or corporationpower, or whatever is politically correct right now).

Therefore, I think we should enlist the help of the communists, Arabs, and occupiers, as they’ve got some vital mass uprising experience. Sure, to date, none of these movements have worked as planned, but, hey, at least they’ve worked out better than any French Revolution (yes, singular; pick any one of the seven revolutions that you prefer).

However, carrying on this scenario, I suppose the movie industry will retaliate with Titans, Transformers, Superheroes, Zombies, General Destruction, Talking Animals, Sparkling Vampires, and, worst of all, People with Refined British Accents. Meaning that we’d probably lose.

But then, if you take the scenario even farther, real life, during this epic battle, has become more interesting than the movies, and, having lived every movie ever made, no one will be willing to buy or watch movies any more. Thus, the movie industry loses.

Of course, that isn’t to say we don’t lose also, as even just the cute Talking Animals are probably enough to end society as we know it. But at least we could fake winning, and make the movie industry angry.

For example, you could wake up every morning and say: “Oh boy, am I looking forward to today. A breakfast of frozen waffles salvaged from the still-burning store, then a grueling hunt to find other survivors in the radioactive once-city, then a quick detour around the Zombie Robot den, and then a dinner at the bomb shelter on second street, of talking fish.”

Whereas the movie industry must say: “Oh boy, I am not looking forward to today. Nobody is buying our movies. Also, my house was destroyed when we had that tornado felled that skyscraper. And my imaginary friends have turned into horror movie villains. Darn.”

With this situation in mind, I guess that war is probably not the best solution, in this case. But neither is diplomacy. I think the ideal solution, then, is to force the movie industry to constantly watch their own book-to-movie movies after making them read the original, well-written book. If they don’t fall into depression/regurgitating meals/schizophrenia and stop making movies like these, then I don’t know what will work.

Last year at this time we focused a bit more on daylight savings time, with a post entitled “The 5 Types of Morning Teenagers.” Since you lost an hour this weekend, you now need to procrastinate even more intensely to make up the lost time. I recommend you start there.

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  1. vilite246 says:

    Let’s face it: The only reason people actually watch the Twilight movies (if you would like to call them movies. I would call them badly acted home videos) is because of Jacob’s abs (the ones girly girls drool over and guys stare at in disbelief), Bella’s “death” (I cried…when she came back to ‘life’), and Edward’s nose (it was fine until after the 1st movie, when it got mushed on his face and made him look even weirder than before. My friends like watch it in obvious amusement.). Abs, fake deaths and smushed noses are all Twilight has to offer. That’s pathetic.

    All my guy friends read the entire series. Why? Because they wanted to be able to enter a girl’s mind and really be able to understand girls. Most of them ended up burning the books after being dumped by their disgusted girlfriends. The rest of them? They didn’t survive.

  2. burstoutinsong!!! says:

    k quick-kinda-off-subject-question….are you gonna see the hunger games movie? i am but…im kinda scared that i might be mauled and/or trampled by crazed fans especially cuz im going to the midnite showing…do you think i would be better off staying in my secure home?

    • I may see the movie, if I have time. Or, I might just go into the wilderness in Northern Canada somewhere and live the movie. Which might be safer than a brush with crazed fans of the books.

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