The Only Thank-You Note Formula You’ll Ever Need

A Birthday GiftHopefully, you have a birthday.  If you don’t, you probably either have an odd mark where your belly button should be or a very advanced watch.  I’m going to assume you have a birthday.

Now I’ll drag out the dirty truth: that the best part of a birthday, aside from the actual party (which could include skateboarding, hanging out, or strapping a firework to a cardboard box and trying to reach the International Space Station), is the presents.

Being teens, presents aren’t as clear-cut as they used to be.  For boys, it used to be obvious; you either wanted something you could hurt people with (like a Nerf gun), something you could pretend to shoot people with (a sound/light-up model gun), something you could make shoot other things (action figures), or something you could shoot (action figures or a long-lost cousin).  For girls, (this is a guess) you wanted something that involved pretending to have responsibility (kitchen set, baby dolls), or, for the unlucky ones, a bunch of pillows to hide behind when your brother had his birthday.

But now, of course, you’re adult–especially according to most ticket prices, which now say that if you’ve had your first haircut, you are no longer a child (this was half of the reasoning for the hippie movement).

Teen boys simply want more harmful toys (a rocket launcher/flamethrower mix will do).  The problem here is that most relatives, neighbors, guys from Macedonia who’ve friended you on Facebook, and other prospective present buyers don’t feel right about buying you a present that will probably lead to at least one of your insurance rates going up (and possibly the death of the family pet).

Teen girls, from my point of view, just want useless junk, usually cosmetics of some sort (useless because you can’t shoot somebody with it.  Teen girls, I ask you this: if a man came into your room through the window with a crowbar, what are you going to do, put mascara on him? At least us boys asked for the rocket launcher/flamethrower, so when we got polo shirts instead it wasn’t our fault we were kidnapped).

Regardless, enough about gifts.  I’m sure you’ll get some.  You should know that each gift from a relative, though, is cursed.  It is known as the Thank-You-Note curse.

We’ve all had to write them.  There’s no avoiding them (unless you are lucky enough to get the flame thrower/rocket launcher combo, in which case there are a few ways). The question is, how do you do them most efficiently?

The answer, my friend, is a formula.  And I’ve created the best formula of them all, which I will share with you-although I do require a thank-you note in return for sharing.  Just joking.  If you really want to thank me, pop into your nearest Wal-Mart, where the FlameRocketThrowerLauncher (FRTL) should be on sale for around $29.99 (the price is thanks to our dear friends in China, whom we have no scruples sharing the military technology with.  If the US F-16s are anything like my models, they say “Made in China” on the bottom).

Anyways, without further ado, I give you my terrific:

Thank You Note Formula

Dear [Name of relative]

Thank you lots of so very insane amount much for the [gift title-(don’t forget any TM’s if applicable.  Don’t want to get sued by Uncle Korupt, the Lawyer)] example: Ridiculously Slow Growing Plant-Thing (TM).

[New Paragraph-so it looks longer.]

I really enjoyed [Make up some non-violent answer for how you benefited from the gift] example: setting it on fire and launching it off my catapult watering it yesterday.  [Another compliment about the gift] Also, I like to watch it grow (coincidentally, ridiculously slow).  [Make a comment about the cost/effort] I am so glad that you traveled all the way to China to get the pot, and all the way to Africa to get the African plant.

[Thank them again] Thanks again for the plant.  It’s exactly what I wanted. [Now the tricky part–plant the seed for next year] The only thing that could possible make it even more fun is if I got a chainsaw/bazooka so I could wreak destruction on the plant.

[Worst part of all: the ending.  Sincerely sounds formal, “With Love” can be awkward, “Thanks Again” makes you sound like a broken record, “Your Nephew” is obvious-why else would they waste money on a gift?, and “Hope to See You Soon” is probably a lie, so it’s your choice.]

Thanks again with sincere love from your nephew who hopes to see you soon,

[Your Name] Phil DaBlogger

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  1. Dear blogger Phil,

    Thank you lots of so very insane amount much for the “You are never going to get birthday gift again from aunt Emma” post.

    I really enjoyed (skimming through this post) reading this post. Also, I like the fact that it’s going to help me get better gifts for my next birthday. My aunt emma, who is going to read my Thank You Note, for sure, is going to gift me a fully grown tree for my next birthday, as the one she gifted this birthday will still be growing next year or possibly, in the next decade. I am so glad that you learnt English to write such an amazing post, which is not only going to help the teens, but also no one.

    Thanks again for this post. It’s exactly what I’ve been looking for in the last 230 days 17 hrs. The only thing that could possibly make it even more fun is if I got 51% market shares of WordPress blog so I could wreak destruction on this blog.

    Thanks again with sincere love from your reader who hopes to see more posts like this.


    (btw, i liked this post; the Thank You Note above says it all :p )

    • Very clever, Bala (not to mention funny). I see what you did there. I almost wrote a whole thank-you note in reply, but I figured that this could go on forever. Thanks for the great compliment.
      – Phil

      • Phil,

        Yeah, writing a thank-you note for a thank-you note sounds weird. If we start doing that, we’ll end up writing each other thank-you note for the rest of our lives. Moreover, I have more people to annoy: My aunt, Emma.


        • Okay Phil, I think you went a little too far here. Cosmetics for girls? I got a skateboard for my birthday! And I happen to be a girl! You wanna know what else I got? (Yes, you do) A camera and cello lessons. No cosmetics involved!

          I hope you know I am kidding. I mean, I really did get that stuff for my birthday, but I would never seriously bash this blog…its too cool for that.

          Also, I couldn’t find the stupid comment button (Ted!) so I was forced to reply to this poor persons comment and now they will be confused and wondering what this has to do with what they said.

          Anyhow, nice blog, bad assumptions, you get the point.

          — Banana

          • I apologize then, Banana (this is a “kidding” apology). However, I will draw your attention to the fact that no boys have complained about being portrayed as violent children (so draw your own conclusions :) ). So glad to know this blog is cool.

            As for the comment issue, if you want to comment you just scroll to the bottom and type in the “Speak your mind” box, and then hit comment. If you want to cancel your reply and make it a regular comment, there is a hard to see link that appears right next to “Speak your mind” that says “cancel reply” (it is the same color as the background).

            – Phil

  2. This is great. I graduated this year and just a few weeks ago finally finished writing 100+ thank you notes. You’ve pretty much nailed it.

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