Our Thanksgiving Traditions Come From Teens

A teenage pilgrimThanksgiving will soon be upon us. You know what that means-it’s time to run around like a chicken with its head cut off.  Or rather, chase a turkey while trying to cut off its head.

But do you know why we celebrate Thanksgiving? What’s the reason we gobble down turkey, stuff ourselves with stuffing, bury (‘berry’) ourselves in cranberry sauce, and potato-a ourselves with mashed potatoes*?

*I’ll admit the last phrase was a bit forced, but I had to be consistent.  What, you’ve never potato-a-ed before? You’re missing out. (It means to throw a potato at someone’s head with the sole intent of giving them a black eye.  And yes, I just made that up-I needed a word to explain to my parents why I got detention at lunch today).

Well, I don’t know either.  However, I can tell you that teens played a vital role in establishing our current traditions.

The Turkey

Apparently, the pilgrims decided to have a meal one day.  So, like all pilgrim meal-preparations, the dirty work was passed down as a ‘chore’ to the teens at the time (but don’t feel too sorry for them.  You need to remember that these were bowl-cut wearing, goody-two-buckle-shoes teens.  Also, they had not yet devolved to the point where they had no brains, as the internet would not be invented until 1832, so the task was not too difficult).

Because the teens had to get dinner, they naturally chose the easiest catch: a fat bird that couldn’t fly.  Of course, there were those exceptionally stupid who thought that going after something impressive, like a dinosaur (I’m pretty sure dinosaurs were still around at the time of the first thanksgiving, but if they weren’t, then just insert “woolly mammoth” instead-I know for sure that they were still around), but after the first few violent encounters the teens realized that turkeys were definitely the best bet.

The Stuffing

After catching the Turkey, the teenagers of the pilgrims realized that the turkey looked a lot smaller with it’s head and feathers off. Thus, they shoved various grasses, wheat, small fruits, flour, and an iPhone 1 (yes, it was that long ago, back when the iPhone 1 was the newest model) inside to make the turkey look more substantial. It is this kind of work ethic that lead to the ‘shove-it-under-the-bed’ method of cleaning.

The pilgrim parents were quite impressed with the meal that the teens had returned with, so they praised the teens by saying “Squanto!” (Which was pilgrim-slang for “right on!”). This got confusing when it turned out that one of the Native Americans nearby was also named Squanto, and I forget what part he played in this, other than the fact that my brain wants to associate him with corn.

When the parents asked for the delicious turkey recipe, the teens replied, “Oh, you know, we just put some, uh…stuff-yeah, stuff-inside,” which is why we call it stuffing.

The Cranberries

Teens, being pranksters, thought it would be funny to make it appear as if the turkey was still bleeding when it was served, so a few of them crushed some cranberries (as there was no ketchup) and made fake blood.  This backfired when everyone realized that this actually tasted good, and the prank was no longer funny.

The Mashed Potatoes

As you probably know, it is impossible to have a peaceful meal if both teens and adults are eating at the same table. This was the case at the first thanksgiving.

Halfway through the meal, one parent suggested that one of the gorging teens, “cometh up for air every now and then-eth,” and another teen snickered.  This caused the first teen to threateningly wield a potato.  Next the parent said, “Thou shalt not-eth throw-eth thy potato-eth or thou shalt be fed-eth to the bobcats-eth as a peace-eth offering.” So the teen, being a good listener, nailed the parent with a potato, leading to a massive food fight in which the potatoes became mashed.

The Pumpkin Pies

This one ties back to teen laziness.  You see, the teens had also been asked to prepare dessert.  Nearby, there were some leftover rotting pumpkins from Halloween (a holiday established in 1326, I believe).  Naturally, then, the teens scooped out the remaining pumpkin guts and wrapped it in bread.  They passed the fuzzy white mold/fungus off as ‘whipped-eth cream.’

Until you read this, I’ll bet you had no idea teens played such a vital part in the making of the first Thanksgiving.  They had a vital part in religious holidays, too, but I’m not going there.  So, I’ll leave you with this: if you share this post, then “Squanto!” for you.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Additional Resources

Want more?

Like this post? Want more just like it? Have a strange rash on your arm that is slowly turning into an alien life form? Subscribe to get more-convenient and free (yes, that is even the solution to that last question).

Grab our Ebook!

Our ebook cover

Want more hilarious content? Get our ebook! It's 5,500+ words with 19 exclusive pictures. You can pick up your copy on our ebook page.

Grab the Badge!

my badgeIf you want to share this blog with your readers, you can copy and paste the html code below.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: