The Perfect Back To School Shopping List Supplement

Gum for saleIt’s late enough in August that I think I am now allowed to say the word “school.”  [Cringing, braced for mighty metal fist from above].  Well, I’m still alive enough to write this next sentence, so I guess I was ri

Sorry, sorry, I’m fine, I’m just trying to give you, my reader, a heart attack.  You know what they say: “A Dead Reader Tells No Tales,” and I really want to limit my blogging competition.  Actually, bring on the competition, but only if you believe that promoting this blog throughout your blog is the way to go.

Anyways, back to the post (from that semi-reality where I break character and go off on a too personal and slightly awkward tangent).  You need to go school supply shopping this year, as the schools definitely can’t afford the supplies.  In fact, if you see any teachers for sale, grab those, because many schools can’t afford those either now.

As I don’t have the official list (which is purposeful; I’ll avoid that till 2:00 AM the day school starts), I can’t just pick out the items and make fun of them.  Besides, that would be too easy.  However, now that I’ve survived my first year of high school (physically, not sure about my brain), I can tell you what the schools won’t.  I call it, “School Supplies: The Missing List.  The list that should have been on the shelf.” (This is an entertainment blog, Missing Manual Company.  No need to sue, the most you’ll get is $0.08-$0.23).

Gum

Do I even need to mention it? You need at least enough for yourself, your friends, any teen within 5 miles who will ask for some (probably because they’ve read “5 Brilliant Ways to Ask for Gum”), and the bottom of every single desk, shelf, or table (because they’ve cleaned up last year’s art).  Then, take that amount and triple it.

A Super-Large Backpack

You can’t just settle for something that will fit one or two textbooks.  You need the heavy-duty sack that could handle a few of your smaller friends.  Also, reinforcing it with metal plates, the type that they use on tanks, is probably a good idea as well. 

A Mirror

This has roles that are different depending on your gender.  Girls will use this mirror to look at their faces.  Guys should have a mirror so they can constantly check their back for “Kick me” signs. 

A Hood

At some point, you will get a bad haircut.  Unless you want to be laughed at all day, or fix it by getting a buzz cut, a hood is definitely your best option.  However, this is only inconspicuous in the cold months, so I’d recommend avoiding the barber starting in September.  Sure, your hair will get really long, but it’s doable; why do you think they invented “No Shave November?” Obviously, people started to notice something.

A Full Suit

This is one of the things that the schools mistakenly assume teens just “have.”  I don’t know any teen who frequently buys suits, unless they had to go to a funeral over the summer.  There will be a week when you need to dress nicely for a class, and you’ll have about a 1 day warning.  Which means you’ll have to rush to buy a suit, as your old one makes you look like you belong in the NBA.

Extra Pencils

You will lose all your pencils at some point.  However, you will also find lots of pencils on the ground.  If you’re lucky, you can surf the constant cycle of lost and found until the end of the year, and then miraculously have your complete set of pencils back.  I wouldn’t count on it, though, so you should get at least twice as many pencils as you think you’ll need (if you want to know about mechanical vs regular pencils, you could check out “The Great Pencil Debate”). 

Calculator Batteries

Just like everything else unpleasant about school, it is unavoidable that your calculator will die on the day of the test.   Even if you have a solar-powered calculator, bring something.  Maybe a car battery and jumper cables, or a 5-hour-energy drink that you can pour in the back. 

A Broken Printer

-for the classic homework excuse.  That way, you can bring it in, and your printer appears to actually be broken.  You can look for an old printer on Craigslist, Ebay, or in all that space junk orbiting earth, and then smash it with a hammer, drop it out a 2nd-story window, or run over it with your car. 

I believe I’ve covered the important stuff (heck, I know I have, all you really need is gum.  Sounds like a Beatles album: “All You Need is Gum,” “Can Buy Me Gum,” and “I Wanna Hold Your Gum.”).  If I’ve left anything out, though, feel free to add to this list in the comments.

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Comments

  1. Brilliant.

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