The Plague of Having No Time and its 3 Stages

If you frequently check this blog, you know I haven’t posted in a few days.  If you don’t frequently check this blog, then you probably aren’t even reading this right now, so I’m not sure why I’m addressing you at all.  Back to you other people, though: I have an excuse.  My dog ate my computer, seriously, and so-oh, wait, wrong post, sorry.  Frankly, it is because I have no excuse, but after missing one day, I spent the whole next day coming up with an excuse.  Actually, my real excuse is that I haven’t had much time to change into my alter-ego of Phil and fight the crime that is not frequently posting.

The medical symptoms of this not having any time flu are felt in three distinct stages for teenagers:

Stage 1-Realization

This is a stage, usually late at night, where we teens realize we have absolutely no time to do anything remotely amusing.  It results in panic, stress, insanity, and often hatred towards inanimate objects such as a clock or a pencil (for this reason, a pencil is not something I’d recommend as a career).  Generally, this stage appears in the end of the middle of the end of the end of the middle of the week.  Various prevention methods have different degrees of success, including procrastination, sleep, and asparagus extract.

Stage 2-Acceptance

This stage usually occurs even later at night on the day of stage one.  Its symptoms include calmness and apologies to inanimate objects such as a clock or pencil.  The acceptance is accepting that there is not enough time, there never will be enough time, and time does not fly no matter how high a building it jumps off of.  This stage has no effective cure, although a rare, endangered species of poisonous coral is undergoing possible tests as such.

Stage 3-Re-Realization

This stage occurs in the morning after the previous stages.  It is a re-realization that not only will there never be any time whatsoever, but that the effects of having no time, and, therefore, getting no sleep, still exist.  Identifying features include difficulty awakening, others misidentifying the teen as a mutation-mold of the mess that exists in the teen’s room, and an inability to remember that the cereal box does not go in the fridge, nor does the orange juice go in the cereal.  The cure is to do jumping jacks in a jellyfish tank, but as this is sometimes deadly, it is recommended to omit the jumping jacks and simply sit in the jellyfish tank.

There you are, reader: my excuse for not posting sooner in the week.  Because it appears I’ve discovered this disease, I’d like to call it Fibromyalgia.  What’s that-it’s already taken? What are the chances of that.  In that case let’s call it “Ihadnotimeosis”.  Actually, in case any of you readers are hypochondriacs, I’d like to mention that this is not an actual disease, so you needn’t worry about this (but I’m sure some pharmaceutical company will invent a drug for it regardless).  However, I just came down with “HowtheheckshouldIendthispostaria”, so I must leave you for today.

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