Printers: Enemies of All but One

A hateful printerNow, after reading that title, you might think I am about to argue that printers are enemies of everyone but teens. However, the last time I checked, teens≠one.  There are many teens, or at least enough teens that Sillybandz don’t actually go out of business the second they open up (don’t try to tell me adults would wear shape-holding rubber bands.  We all know adults don’t have the self-restraint needed for that.  Adults just can’t resist shooting any form of rubber band across the room at someone).

However, “all” looks like it would include teens for sure (unless you try to argue that teens are “none” because that is how many it takes to change a light bulb-as teens would just infinitely procrastinate), and, in fact, it does.

Why should everyone hate printers? Don’t you hate it when I use a poor rhetorical question as a transition to the rest of the post? You know you don’t actually need to answer these, right, but that you should just continue reading? What did you have for breakfast this morning?-Don’t answer that.

Teachers

We all know the number one reason teachers hate printers: they ‘break,’ thus causing their students to not have their homework.

However, I’ll bet you didn’t know that printing 30 copies of each worksheet per class can be pretty stressful; as that is the number two reason teachers hate printers.  After all, you know what kind of mess us teens can creat-I mean, witness, when the teacher is unprepared.

Because of this, teachers spend much time in front of a printer, praying that their papers for the day will print.  Each sputter/odd noise is just another spike in blood pressure.

Teacher: “Wait-this is only 23 of the 28 copies I need! I guess the printer isn’t done yet.”

[Puts papers back on desk. Printer makes a noise as if it is about to start printing.]

Teacher: “Please…come on, printer.”

[Printer prints two more copies. Stops printing.]

Teacher: “Three more [nervously wringing hands], come on…Maybe I could just copy them by hand…”

[Printer prints a half of a page-you can see it sticking out of the printer.]

Teacher: “Please, printer! For crying out loud!” [Teacher hits printer.]

[Printer rewinds and pulls the half-page back inside of it.]

Teacher: “No, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, printer.  Just print.  Look, uhm, hitting is a sign of love.  I hit things only if I love them.  See?” [Teacher hits “Teacher of the Year: 1999” award and it falls off of her desk and breaks.  She starts to cry.]

Teacher: “Now you’ve got me all choked up, printer. *Sob* Please print the last three copies. I love you.”

[Printer prints one more copy.]

Teacher: “Yessss! I love this! Happy day!” [Teacher jumps up for joy, but forgets to push her chair back.  She knocks her computer off of her desk.  A pile of smoke starts rising from the broken remains on the floor. The printer, on a rolling cart, is fine.]

Teacher: “Who needs that, anyway? I just need two copies…please…just two…I’ll never give any student an ‘F’ again, I promise…well, except maybe [in a low, contempt-filled hiss] Butch…but no one else…”

[Printer prints one more sheet.]

Teacher: “Now we’re talking! Just one more, please! Please! You can do it!” [Teacher gets up and starts dancing around the printer.]

[Printer makes noises, and then goes dark.]

Teacher: “Nooooo….” [Teacher sinks to knees.]

[Printer prints half of the worksheet.]

Teacher: “Come on…”

[Printer starts beeping and reads: “Error 425: The signal from the computer is no longer being received.”]

Teacher: “Wait, I’ll fix that, wait one second!” [Teacher scrambles around on floor and tries to hold the broken bits of computer together.]

[The teacher from the next classroom over walks in, having smelled the smoke from the computer. He surveys the mess, the broken computer, the crying teacher on the floor trying to hold the computer together, the printer in the center of the room, and the broken award.  He mumbles something about “sorry..didn’t know you were busy…” and walks out quickly.]

[Teacher, in despair, gives up.  She claws the half of the worksheet out, planning to finish it by hand.  Then, she takes printer over to the window and drops it three stories.  The printer crashes to the ground, amazingly unharmed.  Then it starts to print copies of the worksheet.  Soon the printer is buried under printed worksheets. ]

Parents

I couldn’t tell you why parents hate printers, because I have no idea how their minds work. If I had to guess, though, I’d say it is because the ink is repeatedly replaced, and almost as expensive as the first two seconds of my future college education.

Toddlers

Toddlers hate printers mostly because they can’t put them in their mouth, as they are slightly too large.  This should be solved when the new ‘tablet’ printers come out in 2012 (similar to the ‘tablet’ computers such as the iPad).  Then, the printers will just be a set of chisels that a) will fit in any baby’s mouth, and b) will etch your printed document into tablets of stone.

Other Adults

If the adult in question is generally normal, see reason for “Parents.”  If the adult was caught going in to see the new Muppet Movie, see “Toddlers.”

Banana Slugs

I’m sorry, but I don’t know why Banana slugs hate printers, as I don’t know how their minds work.  Or if they even have minds, or just simply a group of five brain cells that they share amongst those in the slug colony.

Teens

We all know your printer never breaks when you need it to (when you didn’t do your homework). Therefore, the night before the one project that WILL NOT be accepted late is due, your printer breaks (for real, not just ‘breaks’).  But that’s only one reason.

Another is the fact that most of us teens don’t have “fully developed” brains, which is the reason we can’t vote or drink (although we are allowed to take a series of Standardized tests that determine our future, oddly enough.  That makes no sense to me, but I’ll just blame it on my underdeveloped cranium).  Therefore, when the printer jams, we don’t do the logical thing, which is to open it up and fix the problem, but rather the ‘teen’ thing, which is to threaten the printer with violence/peer pressure until it releases our paper.  Needless to say, this rarely works (unless your printer is running SIRI and understands you), so we just get more frustrated.

Clearly, everyone hates printers. Oh, wait, everyone but one.  Who is this one, you may ask? Why, Lassie, of course.

After all, Tim’s (or was his name Tom?) parents got so sick of him falling down wells that they started to make him carry an iPhone and printer around, so that he could hand a printed note with directions to the ‘well of the day’ to Lassie, thus cutting the length of each episode by 40 minutes (or the amount of time in which Lassie could normally lead the parents to the well).

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