The Real Meaning of the PG-13 Rating

PG 13 ratingThe movie industry has many problems, not the least of which is the fact that they are now out of Harry Potter movies from which to make enough money to pay for all the losses from all the bad movies.

You may think that’s not how it works, but, take my word for it (this being a fact that I have completely made up under the guise of ‘creative expression’), those directors are real buddy-buddy.

It’s almost like a group of communists, except that they’ve been able to sustain themselves longer.  That and the fact that, the last time I checked, both East and West California were still united (and not separated by a large wall), although some theories detail that global warming/flooding/earthquakes/alien invasion will lead to California becoming an island.

Regardless, another shame in the Harry Potter conclusion is that the characters will no longer age faster than themselves.  I was looking forward to watching 74-year-old Daniel Radcliffe convincingly play a 23-year-old Harry Potter on a broom, all from a wheelchair (though some critics would argue that would be no less convincing than his current acting).

The real issue is, of course, that the final Harry Potter movie was Rated PG-13.  I’m pretty sure it was a mistake.  Actually, I’m pretty sure all PG-13 ratings are mistakes.

The idea behind PG-13 is that children under twelve should avoid the movie.  This means that children age 13 to 19 are still allowed to see the movie, which is, quite simply, illogical.

This means that immature teens are allowed to witness things that mature children are not.  Which means that, being immature, the teens actually take movies as real life, as opposed the children who understand movies aren’t the same as real life.  So, that means you can expect to see a number of teens die in accidents involving a broom, a roof, or a snake in the next few months.  I expect you’ll see headlines (very minor spoiler) such as “Teen dies in Zoo accident; Pulling Not Machine Washable Tag out of Baseball Cap Fails to Kill Escaped Anaconda.”

If you’re a teen, though, you’re undoubtedly questioning my above reasoning.  How is it that I can claim a 3 year old is more mature than, say, a 16 year old? Well, let’s examine the basic marshmallow experiment.

This experiment tests patience/reward capabilities, because, if the test subject waits long enough before eating their marshmallow, they will get a second marshmallow to complement the first.

One out of every-so-many three year olds receives the second marshmallow, but, to date, no teens have made it to that reward. Mostly because, as the findings are disclosed, it becomes apparent that the teen either fell asleep, and ate neither marshmallow, or ate the marshmallow in record time, and then fell asleep.

If you need further evidence, look at the famous e-trade commercials.  They use babies as stock-traders for two reasons: believability and relate-ability.  It’s believable because we all know young children are terrific market predictors. It’s relatable because most parents (of the type who used to play their children Mozart and feed them only organic lettuce for meals) now allow their children to trade stocks, to help with their development.

So, now that we understand why PG-13 is such an irrational rating, let’s clear things up for the rest of the world.  PG should stand for “Parents’re Gullible,” because any parent who allows their teen to see a PG-13 rating has obviously not read this blog post.  And the only possible reason I can come up with for not reading this blog is if you were too busy examining the ceiling for the word gullible.

13 should stand for 4, which is what you get after adding the digits together.  This is simply based off of the reasoning that after age 4, a child has enough physical self-control to sit through the movie without kicking the seat in front of him.

Personally, I think the Movie Industry could use a new rating: SPIT.  It stands for “Supposed’t Purposefully Influence Teens.” This would do as the rating says; it would influence teens in a good way.

The only problem with this rating is that I can’t come up with more than three movies that are safe for teens to watch.  The first is “Safe Driving-A How-To Video” (Starring all the big names, such as Johnny Depp, Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford, etc., most of whom will play injured pedestrians), the second is “School House Rock” (grammar edition), and the last is…I can’t even think of three movies, I guess.

My next proposal, then, is that society influences teens by locking them in a wrestling cage with Barney.

After that, my proposals transcend a few laws into the world of “questionable legality”.  For that reason, I’m going to stop this here, before I anger a hoard of teens that would find me, chase me, and brandish small twigs while shouting Latin.

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  1. “…both East and West California were still united”

    Minor correction…the desired divide is North from South California

    • Of course. That makes sense, seeing that Russia is closer to Northern California overall. But, hey, that’s why we purchased Alaska.

  2. I haven’t read any of the Harry Potter books, but based on the two movies I saw, I have to say that they have many adult themes. But hey, Disney picked it up for its theme parks, so it’s fine! I’d rather have kids seeing Harry than Mean Girls or its variants; at least they can enjoy reading Harry.

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