Returning One’s Textbook gives the same benefits as Dead Fish

Inside Cover of TextbookI’ve heard that a number of things can teach you how to say goodbye for good.  The worst argument I’ve ever heard in favor of buying a child a fish, for example.  This opinion is that fish are good because when they die (which fish are known for doing), the child will learn to say goodbye.

Whenever I hear that, I know I’m in the presence of one of those people who is convinced that Global Warming is a conspiracy theory propagated by rich oil companies as an advertising campaign (I’m sorry so many of my political jokes are about the environment lately, but it is one political issue I think that most of you will agree needs fixing.  I couldn’t use abortion the same way, because some of you are in favor, some of you are against, and some of you get abortion and abstinence mixed up).

Basically, this argument says that there are actually benefits to young children crying over dead fish.  The only benefit I can think of is that the pet stores sure make a killing with repeat customers.

Another way I suppose someone could learn to say goodbye is by watching sappy movies.  Then, when their spouse/friend/partner/accountant leaves them due to their poor taste in movies, they will learn to say goodbye.

More personally, though, I think that the returning of textbooks is an emotional subject, at least for myself.  I mean, I’ve been with the same four textbooks all year, and we’ve really bonded.  Therefore, I’ve drafted some goodbye letters that I would like you to see before I send them; feedback is welcome.


Dear Math Textbook,

Do you remember all of those fun times we had in class, with you as my pillow?  I will certainly miss those.  You were a great friend in times of need, and, although you caused my back to require insert-a-metal-rod-oscopy surgery, you were genuinely fun loving.

I especially love your cover illustration.  It is very creative of your publishers to have somehow tied a soccer ball, the great pyramids, and the Golden-Gate Bridge all to math; while I don’t see the connection, I’m sure it increased the interest level most people have in math.

I am sorry for that one time I dropped you.  The fact that your condition went from “New” to “Thank-God-for-duct-tape” shows how much fun we had together.

I’ll miss you,



Dear Science Textbook,

I would like to apologize for almost setting you on fire, but aren’t you glad you’re not John’s textbook? Ha ha.  I would like to thank you for having so much useless information; you made a great scavenger hunt out of finding the title of each chapter.

One of these days I will try to come back and visit.  I heard rumors that they might replace the science textbooks next year, so I wish you luck in your future career (can I recommend speech-writer?).

I appreciate that you stood firm against those who wanted to remove certain parts of you (such as your evolution chapters), although, seeing as you are pretty much an unbendable pile of thick paper and cardboard, I don’t see how you couldn’t have stood firm.

Miss you,



Dear Spanish Textbook,

You were, by far, my least favorite textbook, because you had the fewest pages (I love learning).  Thus, it is your fault I almost left you on the plane (which was next going to France, by the way.  Let’s see you learn a new language; it’s harder than it looks).

We had a great time conjugating those verbs, except for the irregular ones.  It is a shame that you will be slowly and steadily replaced by things such as Google Translate, but that’s the “Name of the Game,” or the “Llama del Partido.”

I would like to thank you for having best-of-the-90’s graphics.  Your colorful page borders and shadowed pictures made it seem as if your publishers were almost eager to show off (“Look! I can make a yellow swirly!”).

Miss you (but not as much as some others),



Dear History Textbook,

I never really used you for more than an hour a week, and I apologize.  Talk to my teacher, it’s not my fault.  I’d like to thank you for having so much misinformation, according to my teacher and other authorities.  You must have been the Wikipedia of your day.

I enjoyed thumbing through your maps; I learned that the United States is located in the northern hemisphere.  I’m sure that will help me later in life, especially if I apply for a job at Hank’s auto repair (“What type of wrench would you use for small engine repair?” “Well, I think it would be a wrench from the northern hemisphere, but it could also be from other places, like the Southern Hemisphere, etc.”).

Miss you (not really),


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  1. Aaaaahhhhh!!! Your posts are so textual and long! Hahaha they're good, don't get me wrong! Just so much text it hurts my eyes haha. I like the blog though.

    Feel free to check me out at (also a highschool blog!)

  2. Phil and Ted says:

    Yes, this post had a lot of text. I'll try to get some more illustrated posts done soon, with a few more pictures.

    Thanks for the feedback,


  3. burstoutinsong!!! says:

    this post made my day like a ton better!!!! at my school we dont like hand down our books we have to buy them all new which is utter crap! but sometimes we sell them the jr.highers so i like to leave funny notes in my books for them plus its i just cant keep myself from drawing beards on the people

    • Ha, that’s pretty cool. I’d love to be able to leave all of my funny thoughts and doodles in the books, but we don’t buy our own copies (which is probably better). Thanks for taking the time to comment, by the way.
      – Phil

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