School Desks: 3 Lawsuits Waiting to Happen (Or, How to Pay for College)

Just a funny picturePaying for college has gotten increasingly expensive. It used to be that you could pick up a college education for a live hen and a bushel of nuts. Now, however, it costs anywhere from $80,000,000,000 to a small habitable planet.

So, that’s a problem. And like most problems, it has a solution. Notice I said “most;” I guarantee you will have or have had the opportunity to do one of those “Challenge” math “exploration” problems, where you go through the entire alphabet twice (you know: part a), part b), etc.), only to come to the end and learn that you were supposed to ‘explore’ why the problem you’ve been trying to solve has no solution. And then you will probably cry and smear the three hundred pages of work you’ve shown. But this problem, of paying for college, has an easy solution.

You have to get past the issue in your mind that you need to pay for college. Anybody can pay for your college. You just need some good lawyers. Or bad lawyers, depending on if we are looking at morals or skills.

There’s this thing called a lawsuit, which is basically the basis for the entire legal system, a system that was originally created back in the 17th century to keep nobles in line. Of course, after abolishing the torture aspect, it has worked considerably less efficiently, but most people think that torture is bad, as in, worse than trying to find the money to pay for college.

And with that clever transition, I’m now back to my original point: lawsuits can help you pay for college. Today (or tomorrow, if you’re reading this in Australia), we’re going to look at lawsuits that you could profit from. They all deal with: school desks.

The Sharp Thing on the Desk Poked Me

Whether your school desk is a table or an individual style desk straight from the 90s, or 80s, or 10s, it had a broken support bar. I don’t know why; my theory is that the pre-broken model costs less than the normal model.

Regardless, this broken bar will be SHARP. It will be so sharp that you may tear your clothes simply by brushing up against it. In extreme cases, you will tear your clothes by being in the same room.

This sharp point, though, is the key here. What if you got poked by it? What if you had ketchup packets (a crucial component in every personal-injury claim) right under your clothes? What if it crippled you for life and ruined your ability to wink? I think I’m going to cry.

I Fell off the Desk

This happens to everyone. At some point, especially with those individual-style desks with weird supports, you will sit on your desk only to be dumped faster than you can say, “I’m too young to die!” Your life will flash before your eyes, but the worst part is: when you pull yourself up, everyone will be laughing.

You will be the klutz of the school. People will do hilarious re-enactments (well, hilarious to everyone but you, and that’s including that one teacher who never laughs because people think he is a Chinese robot sent to take over the US) for months. And then, just when you think it’s over, someone else will fall off the desk. Then someone else will say, “Hey, remember when [your name] fell off a desk? That was so funny hahahahahaha…” and then they will laugh until they throw up.

To me, a legal expert based on the fact that I once was a fake-witness in mock trial, that sounds like excessive humiliation that could have been avoided if the school had kept their desks in good shape. Not to mention that your behind swelled up until you looked like Kim Kardashian.

I Got Crushed by a Desk

This is the most physically painful of the three scenarios. But nonetheless, if you survive, a lawsuit is the way to go. Although the hospital might be the way to go, first.

You see, although it is unlikely, due to the prankster nature of teens and the ‘safe’ nature of school windows, this is actually more likely than it seems.

The thing about school windows is that they usually only open a few inches out. I don’t know why; maybe it’s because the schools are worried about students jumping out them. From three stories up. Onto concrete or thorn bushes. Yeah, that’s probably why.

Regardless, as it gets closer to summer, students want to let in more of a breeze. So, to break the window-restraint that keeps the windows from opening, one might grab a desk and ram it against the window until it opens/shatters, letting in a breeze. Sometimes, intentionally or not, the student drops the desk out the window.

It is this that you need to be worried about. Desks are probably deadly. I wouldn’t know for sure, though, because this has only happened about a dozen times this year at my school and no one, save a car, has been hurt. If you get hit, though, well, you’ll now be able to pay for college.

And it is at this point I want to end on a serious note: Eb. Ha, no, actually, I do want to be serious. Rising college cost is a serious issue. Lawsuits are just one way to combat this. So, please, don’t hurt yourself badly in the hopes of suing. Extortion, bribery, bank robbery, petty theft, grand larceny, money laundering, or kidnapping for ransom are all viable options.

Last year at this time we offered you “3 Ways to Do Homework Faster,” so you’ll have more time. In line with the topic of this post, though, comes a hilarious legal disclaimer at the beginning. You should check it out. Or at least pretend to.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Additional Resources

Want more?

Like this post? Want more just like it? Have a strange rash on your arm that is slowly turning into an alien life form? Subscribe to get more-convenient and free (yes, that is even the solution to that last question).

Grab our Ebook!

Our ebook cover

Want more hilarious content? Get our ebook! It's 5,500+ words with 19 exclusive pictures. You can pick up your copy on our ebook page.

Grab the Badge!

my badgeIf you want to share this blog with your readers, you can copy and paste the html code below.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: