Sleep, and the Downfall of Humanity

How much did you get last night? No, don’t tell me, I don’t actually care; this was simply a better way of starting this post than ‘Now I am going to tell you about sleep’.  If I was really creative, this post would be about sleepers, that is, spies who are hiding as normal people, but I have been sworn to secrecy by the seventeen sleepers at my school (turns out that each language club is a conspiracy).

Scientists like to study sleep a lot.  You’d think they would spend more time studying humans while they were awake, but I suppose that otherwise no one would know what happens while they were asleep.  I can’t tell you how much I need someone to give me a report every time I wake up in the morning: “First you tossed to the left, then you did a spin-roll back to the right.  At this point, your left leg bent itself slightly.”  Definitely a worthwhile use of both the scientist’s and my time.

Recently, I read about a study in the Wall Street Journal that suggests high school students need 9-10 hours of sleep.  Otherwise, the article cheerfully informed me, anyone getting less sleep than that is more likely to develop depression, insomnia, stress disorders, and the bubonic plague.  At this point, I broke into a cold sweat.  I probably get around 6-8 hours of sleep weeknights, due to the dragon that lives in my closet and keeps me up all night.  Therefore, in the future, I will likely become depressed, contract insomnia (for slightly less than the professional athletes get), prominently show all of my disorders (‘stress’ disorders), and be the sole reason for the bubonic plague epidemic of 2017.

I have no good solution for this problem.  My school starts at 7:30, earlier than those 8-5 jobs, and then I have homework and extracurricular activities.  My only solution is to take all teenagers (because none of them get enough sleep), put them on a big boat, and ship them to Haiti, where at least they will be useful before whatever causes their downfall occurs.  Otherwise, I predict that the future generation will walk around like zombies, drooling out of their mouths.  The good news is that the zombie survivors will be immune to bubonic plague.

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