Snow Days FAQ: Frosty Answers Common Misconceptions

Weather PredictionsApparently, as Global Warming increases, parts of the world are supposed to get…colder [source].  Don’t ask me to explain it, because I am not a scientist (although I did once use the words “conclusive” and “data” in the same sentence, something I’m quite proud of).  What this means for you is that you can now start referring to this phenomenon as “Global Temperature Change” instead of “Global Warming.” Yes, I know that the bit about parts of the world getting colder is an inconvenient truth if you consider the name.

Regardless, this means that those of us lucky enough to live in the parts of the world that are cooling off will have, theoretically (hey! I used another word you might find in a science paper), more snow days.  Essentially, these areas are just stealing the snow days from the parts of the world that are heating up, which I believe is an act of war according to the Geneva convention.

So, then, many concerns may be brought up about snow days, since they directly affect those of us who attend school. In order to address your concerns, I’ve brought in an expert from Iran, who will censor all facts until you are presented with a fabricated truth (one which no concerns can be had about).  Oh, wait, sorry, that’s my backup plan. I brought in Frosty the Snowman, whose official job description is “JHC (Jolly Happy Soul) of Corncob Pipes Inc.”

Concerned Parent: Don’t Snow Days Take Away From My Child’s Education?

Frosty: Well, no, actually.  See, in an average day of school, your child will learn the casualty count of the 30 Years’ War, how to transform quadratic equations, and a couple words in French.  However, the average snow day will teach your child Newton’s 3 laws of motion (1. objects that are cold hurt more when they stop than objects that are room-temp; 2. Sleds in motion stay in motion until they crash into a car/brick wall/strolling velociraptor; 3. Unlike cartoons, it is almost impossible to actually roll a snowball down a hill and watch it get larger), plus many survival skills dealing with the cold.  The only way a school day is more valuable is if your child is planning on calculating, using quadratic equations, just how many corpses from the 30 Years’ War he will need to stack in a military formation before he can successfully ask the French to surrender their nation.

Concerned Teacher: Don’t Snow Days Disrupt My Lesson Plan?

Frosty: That may be the case, but I want you to consider one thing: would you rather allow your students to enjoy the snow or lecture a class while it is snowing outside? If you choose the second option, realize that every time you turn around you will have fewer students left and the 2nd story windows will be slightly swinging.

Genetics Scientist: Is Your Nose Really Made of Carrot?

Frosty: I usually wear the carrot one, yes. Sometimes, when it’s at the cleaner’s place, though, I use a potato instead.

Concerned Senator: How many people are in favor of me supporting snow days, and how many people are in favor of me supporting snow plows? Which is more bi-partisan?

Frosty: Well, 83% of voters support snow plows.  However, 100% of people who resort to underhand political messages, such as egging, Tp’ing, or defenestrating your house, car, or wife are for snow days. There is no bi-partisan stance on them, though, because only senators who lose elections have time to worry about snow days.

Concerned Student: Aren’t Snow Days The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread?

Frosty: Yes, I believe they are.  Studies may even show snow days to be more beneficial to a child’s/teen’s growth than graphically violent videogames.

Concerned Senator: What does “Defenestrating” Mean?

Frosty: It means to throw something out of a window.  However, the politically correct term is “Wow.  I didn’t think the window was so far off the ground. Oops.”

Concerned Superintendant: How Do I Know if I should Declare a Snow Day?

Frosty: If you can answer yes to any of the following statements:

  • There is snow on the ground.
  • It is snowing.
  • It is raining, but it could be snowing if you tilt your head sideways and watch the raindrops fall in slow-motion.
  • It is cloudy and below 40o.
  • There is a protest going on about Russian democracy, the euro, or the “99%.”
  • Google is not down.
  • The electricity starts talking to you.
  • You woke up and immediately started using oxygen.

Concerned Squirrel: Chirrp Chatter Chatter Chatter Chirp-irp?

Frosty: I’m sorry to hear that.  Can I interest you in a premium corncob pipe? It’s only $19.95.

Concerned Victim of a Snowball: What should I do if a Snowball hit me?

Frosty: First, are you above or below 18 years of age?

Concerned Victim: I don’t believe in the standard theory of time. However, let’s say I’m less than 18 years old.

Frosty: In that case, locate the snowball thrower and sneak up on them from behind. Grab two humongous fistfuls of snow and stuff them down the hood of the thrower.  Then, hold the writhing person from their ankles, swing around once, and heave them into a snow-bank.  If there are no snow banks nearby, then a regular bank’s drive-thru window also works quite well in terms of ‘message.’

Thanks for that vital information, Frosty.  I’m so glad I managed to get a hold of him-you have no idea how long I have been on his waiting list (I think I was just under the choir, the little child, and the Nissan representative who wants him to do a car commercial).

I hope that I have answered all of your Frivolous Aunt’s Questions about snow days.  If I didn’t, then you should definitely move to a planet where “Global Warming” actually means, universally, “Global Warming.”

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  1. burstoutinsong!!! says:

    i wanna snow day so bad especially during this next exam week :P but the chances of that are pretty much zero here in alabama :'( last year was the first white christmas ive had seen i lived in texas. when it does snow the whole city freaks out and shuts down though (cuz my city only owns two snow plows)…thnx for the posts and responding to everyones comments. keep doin whachya do!

    • Yea, I’ve also lived in places with <10 plows. It’s pretty amusing – there’ll be maybe .5 inches of snow on the ground and the local news will mention how you should stock up on food (it might be a long city closure), how you need to avoid going outside unless you are properly equipped, and how you might want to start building an igloo (just in case).

      I wish you luck with your snow days (although I won’t wish you all my luck-I’ve also got a big test on Monday). I will always do my best to respond to every comment as soon as possible; it’s the least I can do for someone who takes the time to comment.
      – Phil

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