Students Become Fungi as Finals Begin


MushroomBy: Gnott Mie-Reellnaim

Readers: I have written this as I assume it would appear in the NYT.  Apparently, the NYT doesn’t focus on these serious issues, instead spending time on more lighthearted issues.  For instance, yesterday’s online front-page headline was something like, “Fleeing Romney takes refuge on Turkey Syria border as FDA reveals new sunscreen regulations.”

A shocking new report has been published, telling how thousands of students will settle in to hard metal desks and be evaluated on their ability to bubble in circles this week.

The report comes from the trustworthy and exceedingly perfect, an expert on the topic.

Apparently, this week marks the end of school, or the start of finals.  Finals stands for Finally I’m Nearly Almost Leaving School, as school is almost over.  “I can practically taste the lemonade by the pool,” quoted one student, before the chains attached to his legs dragged him away.

Another student recalls the finals of last year: “They were very long, but we did well, as a school, I think.  That year, we only lost about 19 people.” As detailed in the shocking report, the students of America are forced to achieve a passing grade on the exams to move to the next grade (in numerical order ascending, except for kindergarten, where, instead of moving up to vegetablegarten, students go to first grade).

A few parents were “outraged” by the report.  One stated, in a call to the publisher, “I am OUTRAGED that my child actually has to receive a 70% or higher to move on.  I mean, not even the pros bat that average.  Tackle him! I ask that-somebody better guard that guy, guard that guy, c’mon now-the study be modifi-GOALLLL!-ed.” It is assumed that this parent was watching curling at the time, or maybe a Russian ballet, but the quote was included to give a fair and balanced analysis, and because we are paid by the inch.

Also, it could have given us an excuse to put in a picture of a Russian ballerina, which, like most pictures near newspaper articles (excluding the ones where the author drew a self-portrait using a pen that only works if you smack it against the paper and make a dot), would be extremely relevant.

According to the report, common tasks for finals include in-class essays, questions-and-answer type quizzes, math, and open-heart surgery with a mechanical pencil.  Sometimes, there is the unconventional true/false question.

Not many people at a nearby high school we ‘checked out’ (to give this article credibility) have any opinion on finals.  In fact, when asked why he looked like a train wreck that had been genetically modified, one student replied, “I…no sleepy last night.  My brain…oatmeal…didn’t breakfast…studying.”  This profound statement gives much insight to the findings of the report.

Now that you’ve read this far, we feel it is fair to actually tell you what the report says.  It states that, “The average health and function of a high school student deteriorates…until, after all of the finals are over, the student….will be not much more than a mushroom, the kind that look edible but aren’t actually so.”

Since us, at the news desk, didn’t quite understand what this conclusion meant, we e-mailed the report publisher.  In particular, we were stuck on words such as ‘student.’  After being assured that we would not reveal our source, the author of the report (who can be found, for those curious, at gave us the definition of student.

According to him, “student” is a non-gender-specific term used to refer to an unpaid laborer who has not yet learned time-management skills.  Also, our news staff went the extra mile to go the full nine yards with the story (although, for those math whizzes, we’ll tell you that yes, we understand a mile is actually only seven yards) and learned that a “mushroom” is a type of fungus similar to a newborn child, in that they both look innocent but aren’t actually so.

In fact, in a heroic act of superb investigative reporting, the vice-news-editor gave his life by eating a poisonous yet unassuming ‘mush-room’.

Regardless of our intelligence levels, though, we can rest assured that we are smarter than the author of the report, who trusted us not to reveal his location (  With that, we wish the “mushrooms” of America good luck in the next couple days of finals.

Readers: Summer is fast approaching (2 days, or less if I move to Australia) and I want to know if you have any opinion on what I should post over the summer.  Short stories? Regular posts, only about summer instead of school? Fake news articles, like this one? Personal narratives? An increase in illustrated posts (I’ll have more time)? An announcement that I am running for the 2012 Republican Nomination? Comment or e-mail me and let me know.

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  1. thinkellen says:

    HA! This was great!

    I write/edit for my student newspaper – this could have come straight out of the humour section. Nice work!

  2. Phil and Ted says:

    Thanks, Thinkellen. I want to write for my student newspaper, but I can't fit it into my schedule. Thankfully, I have a blog instead, where people can read my writing.

    - Phil

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