Super Bowl Commercials: What’s for us Teens? (And a Fake Gum Commercial)

The gum packetThe Super Bowl aired recently. I believe the statistic is that something like 8-9 billion people watch it every year. Of course, that isn’t counting the people in the stadium, so the number is probably closer to 10 billion-it gets pretty cramped in there.

There are three parts to the Super Bowl that we are all familiar with. The game, which is stressful if your team is playing or entertaining if your team isn’t; the halftime show, which is a music act; and the commercials, or the pinnacle of advertising on TV for the whole year (indicated by the fact that you did not see one commercial selling “Clean my PC” software). This means that the commercials are usually pretty good, aside from the few flops put on by the life insurance companies and accountants.

However, there is one audience the commercials utterly fail to cater to, and that is, not counting the young child, retired women, broke couple, and schizophrenic male demographics, the teen audience. Yes, these commercials fail to target teens. Probably because teens have shown so much consumer intelligence in recent years, being willing to buy things such as rubber bands shaped like Justin Bieber’s hairline, pre-torn jeans, and metal loops for various body parts.

I mean, really, what are we supposed to buy, after watching the Super Bowl commercials? We’re too young to buy beer. We probably don’t have any need for tax agents/software. Most of us can’t drive, and those of us that can don’t even have enough money to pay for the gas/bus ticket to get to the car dealership. All that leaves us is fast food and Doritos. Maybe that’s why America has an obesity problem.

Seriously, though, there is one product I wish I could have seen a Superbowl commercial for.


Yes, there were some gum commercials that were running recently, but I saw none at the Super Bowl. I think that gum commercials should go like this:

[Opening: a brain surgeon’s workroom. On the metal table in the middle is a patient, whose brain is undergoing an operation.]

Surgeon: Alright people, almost done. This is only my eighteenth surgery in 31 hours. I’m tired, but I think I’ll make it. Can somebody please hand me the thing-a-ma-bob?

Nurse: You mean the the micro-tweezers? Here. [Nurse pulls out a pair of 3-foot long tweezers].

Surgeon: NO! The other thing-a-ma-bob! Hurry!

Nurse: Oh, you mean the precision tool. [Nurse pulls out a replica lightsaber].

Surgeon: No, that thing! Right there! [He points to a walkman lying on the operating cart]. I need it NOW!

Nurse: Gotcha. Here you…zzzzzzzz. [Nurse falls asleep, and a smack is heard as she hits the floor].

Surgeon: Geez! They don’t make nurses like they used to. [He tries to stretch and grab the walkman, but he can’t make it without taking his other hand and its tool away from the patient. Finally, he gives up straining and slowly begins to extract his hand from the patients skull, almost reaching the walkman, but falls asleep at the last second. The patient’s brain starts to smoke, and then melt in a brilliant fireball].

[In walks: Genial Charismatic Gum Salesman. He says nothing, shoots a knowing smile at the camera, and then bends down. He forces gum between the teeth of the nurse and surgeon, and moves their jaws until they start chewing. They miraculously wake up and get the patient’s brain under control].

Surgeon: I feel so, energized! I feel like I don’t even need sleep anymore! [Surgeon looks around in wonder, pausing in his operation, until the patient slaps the surgeon to get back to work].

[Camera cuts to the hallway. We see Genial Charismatic Gum Salesman (with good hair and teeth) walking until he comes to a door that says: Coma Wing. He goes in. A few seconds pass. He comes out. Behind him come people in hospital gowns, walking about unsteadily, mentioning things like, “It’s so good to be out of that coma!” or “I’m fully conscious again!” They are all chewing gum.]

[Cut to white screen, with the necessary brand information and logo animated across. End commercial].

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  1. You should be an advertisement creator. Seriously.

  2. Haha that commercial would be hilarious. Hahahahaha. And if that gum really existed, I would be the happiest person on the planet. And guess what? My best friend’s dad works for Trident (I think it was Trident… or Orbit. I don’t know) so I get free boxes of gum all the time! HA. It’s like. I would die without it. Gum is so vital…

    • Here’s the recipe for that gum, then, so you can make it. Sugar, Caffeine, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Artificial Sugar, Medium Fructose Corn Syrup, Caffeinated Sugar, Low Fructose Corn Syrup, and Artificial Fruit Extract. Oh, and also whatever the substance is that makes gum behave like…gum.

      • HAHAHA! I just noticed your picture and how it said “No additives! …of horse manure” Hahaha! Does that mean that this gum has some other stuff…? Like, refrigerators? …That was really random. You should give me the COMPLETE recipe, so it’s completely awesome.

        • Can’t do that, I’m afraid. Not only would the FDA, CIA, FBI, DEA, NSA, and ABCDEF come after me, but it’s a trade secret. Of course, having said that, the whole alphabet will probably come after me anyway…

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