Take Some Life Advice From Your Planner

a meditating plannerNow, while I’ve already mentioned how you should avoid appearing in planners at all costs, I didn’t actually cover the real advantage to owning a school planner (or calendar, for those who don’t know the current word of the street.  Actually, the word on the street for planner is known as ‘litter,’ but you know what I meant).

See, not only is a planner a valuable asset in terms of the fact that seeing how much work you have to do will instantly cause a nervous breakdown (helpful for avoiding jury duty, if you aren’t a teen, so I’d save my old planners for those calls of civic duty), but also because the planner gives terrific life advice.

One lesson you can take from your planner is that no, the weekends don’t actually seem to go faster, they actually are shorter.  This is indicated by the fact that your planner includes a smaller box for both Saturday and Sunday.

The largest lesson you can take from your planner, though, is the motivating message of “You are a complete organizational failure who will never amount to anything, along with having poor handwriting.”

There are a few things that send this message, and if you can realize what they are, than I’m sure there are some valuable life lessons to be learned.  I must be too cynical, though, because I don’t take any of this seriously.


Honestly, quotes aren’t too bad in other contexts.  They are an easy way to start essays, an easy way to sound profound, and an easy way to make money with the quotes in the public domain slapped on adsense websites.  However, in a planner, they are brutal.

Take this one, for instance: “The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” –Chinese proverb

This quote from my planner is stressful, depressing, and offensive to those who can’t walk due to physical disabilities.

Basically, this quote tells me that in 10th grade, at age 16, by the month of September, I am at the point were I am now just finishing my first step.  By my calculations, that means I won’t go more than four steps before I will reach retirement age, which doesn’t even amount to 1% of a thousand miles.

(After I retire, though, I plan to get a fancy wheelchair that can go 100+ plus miles per hour, so I should be able to cover at least two more steps before I die).


Often found in places where the planner production company couldn’t find stress-inducing quotes are blurbs of advice.

Now, to start with, this advice has no attributed author.  That means you have absolutely no idea how valuable the advice is.  Heck, you’re taking advice from (try not to snicker) someone who takes your planner and its many messages seriously.  Never mind, that’s too much to ask-go ahead and laugh.

Thus, the people you are taking advice from have absolutely no idea how things are in the real world outside of fuzzy planner quotes.  Which means when they offer advice such as, “Do something unusual to give your brain a boost.  Try brushing your teeth,” they are really telling you that if you live in a world of proverbs, there is no need to brush your teeth.  However, if you follow this advice only half-heartedly, and make brushing your teeth an unusual occurrence, than you will definitely die of tooth decay before you even reach three steps of a 1,000 miles.

Boxes Galore

The main purpose of your planner is boxes, which make sense; a box for each day keeps the conspiracy-theorists* at bay.  But then they go overboard (cue scary music).

*For example, the Mayan school-supplies manufacturer accidentally left off the box for December 21st, 2012, and just look at how many people took that overboard.

There are boxes at the end of each line inside your date boxes for checkmarks when you get something done, and even more small boxes for you to carry over last week’s unfinished items.  If you actually used these, then by the end of the year you would need at least three acres of valuable Amazon rainforest trees just to make enough paper to hold all of your carried-over tasks.

Throughout these boxes, advice-blurbs, and stressful quotes, though, there is a common theme.  This is the theme of “vomit” green, “80s photos” yellow, and “Chemical” white.

On that note (or color), I end this passage.  Just remember that “A humor article of a thousand words starts with 760 words.”

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  1. you two are hilarious! love your blogs!

  2. DUDE. You guys are hilariousss. I love reading everything from you guys.

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