Teenage Communication and Cows

Did you ever wonder how cows managed to converse using only a couple of sounds? Regardless of whatever sarcastic answer you probably came up with, guess what? Today’s modern teenager has managed to do the same thing.  For example:

Cow 1 (probably named Brown, but I won’t make that assumption): Moo-ooo.  Mooooooo.  Mooooo.

Cow 2 (probably named Yohannes, but again, I’ll avoid rash assumptions): Moooo.  Moo.  Moo.  Mooo-ooo.

Cow 1: Moo.  Moooo-moo.

Juxtaposed with:

Teen 1 (probably named dude): Yo.  Dude. ‘Tsup.

Teen 2 (also likely named dude): Mmm-mm.  Na’much. Mmm?

Teen 1: Mmm-m.  Same.

Let’s examine what was actually said:

Cow 1: Did you hear about the new growth hormone they’ve been giving us?  It’s got all sorts of unusual side effects.

Cow 2: Yes, I read about it the other day in the morning paper.

Cow 1: Yep.  Well, back to that nutrient-rich grass.


Teen 1: Hey, how are you doing?

Teen 2: I’m fine. Not much is happening.  How about you?

Teen 1: I’m also fine.  Not much is going on with me, either.

It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?  Even disregarding the fact that the cows managed to have a more intelligent conversation, both animals-I mean, both the cows and the humans-managed to convey much information in very few noises.  For those not fluent in these noises, they can be a problem to decipher.

There are a few clues to use, though (in the spirit of 4th grade vocabulary lessons, I’ll call these context clues).  The first is to examine the facial expression.  Dead eyes, flat mouths, and blank faces are the default setting on most teenagers; anything different gives you a hint at the meaning of the ‘mmm’.

The second is how far the third hair right behind the left ear is sticking up.  The farther it is from the head, the happier the teen is.  The third clue is gathered by examining the pitch of the ‘mmm’, but this only works if you have some other statement to reference it with.

The only possible long-term problem with this form of communication is if the phase doesn’t fade.  Then, I would recommend moving to Switzerland so you can laugh out of joy instead of extreme fear when the President of the United States goes up to give the State of the Union Address and starts it with: “Mmmm-mm.  Mmmm-mm.  Mm, mmMmm, mm, mmm.”

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