The 5 Real Reasons to Take AP Classes

Funny Ap textbookSure, we’ve all heard the arguments for AP classes. They can get you college credit. They can offer you a more in-depth coverage of a subject. They will instantly turn you into Albert Einstein. The list goes on and on.

But while these arguments are true, they are not the main reasons you should take AP classes. I mean, get college credit before college? Please. That’s what junior high school was for. You need a break before entering college, not more college credits. Heck, college is so cheap nowadays there’s absolutely no reason why shouldn’t be able to afford at least a few days of college and pick up some credits.

As a brilliant investigative reporter—because no one ever suspects the gum-chewing, half asleep, walking into walls, grammatically erroneous teen to be anything but a source of comedic relief—I can tell you that there are actually other, better reasons to take AP classes.

1. Get Less Sleep

Many studies have shown that teens need 8+ hours of sleep every night. These incredibly scientific studies argue that a lack of sleep leads to depression, anxiety disorders, and zombification of teens into stumbling green undead creatures.

But let me ask you something: when’s the last time anyone ever sponsored a study examining the consequences of getting enough sleep every night? It’s never happened, because people are too afraid to find out what getting enough sleep could mean. For all we know, sleep can cause death, just like it’s been found that various amounts of sitting, standing, running, swimming, breathing, and eating can. Obviously, no one knows for sure, but to make sure you’re not getting too much sleep, you should definitely take some AP classes.

2. Learn More Useless Information

The purpose of our education system is to teach us stuff that we’ll never need to know, so that when we finally need to know something, we will have spent so much time Googling useless stuff that the useful stuff will be easy to find on Google. And, since education is often lauded for its effects on knowledge, the economy, politics, and social mobility, one can only conclude that more education is a good thing.

With that in mind, why take regular US History, when there’s an AP US History? It is clearly better to stay up until 3:00 AM learning about the Women’s Christian Temperance Union than it is to stay up until only 5:00 PM. Sure, in regular US History you might know the names of the leaders of the movement, but in AP US History you’ll learn so much that you can tell people whether the leaders preferred hot dogs or hamburgers.

3. It’s An Easy A

Colleges prefer A’s to B’s, or C’s, or even, believe it or not, D’s. But as the number of applicants to various colleges have skyrocketed, college admissions departments have had to adjust by spending less time on each applicant (although the popular alternative being considered is simply moving college application deadlines to the spring of your 6th grade year, to give the admissions officers enough time to really assess your “diversity”).

So, currently, college admissions officers only quickly glance at your transcript, trying to mentally tally the number of A’s. What this means is that the more AP classes you have, the more capital “A”s you have on that transcript. Thus, even taking an AP class adds an A to your transcript. And if it’s, say, AP Computer Science A, that’s even better. (For this reason, I’d recommend avoiding AP Calculus BC. Colleges hate C’s).

4. Awful Tests

Thanks to modern tech advancements, many of the old hardships of your parents’ days are over. You no longer need to walk five miles to school in the freezing cold with a warm potato in your pocket for lunch and warmth. You no longer need to sweep the school house or kill snakes on the playground. Heck, you don’t even have to churn butter!

Sure, this is mostly a good thing, but think about it: what are you going to tell your kids? Currently, your parents can make you grateful you have to wake up at 4:00 AM to catch the bus just by telling you about their own past.

Well, AP classes solve this problem. So, in the future, when you have kids, you can mention that you used to be locked in a room for four hours and forced to write essays about events that happened 300 years ago, by hand.

5. Never Worry about Social Status

It’s no secret that high school is a time of shifting social relationships, which can get pretty stressful. The best way to avoid this stress is simply to avoid people. And, the best way to avoid people is to take AP classes.

With AP classes, you’ll have 28 hours of homework every night, ensuring that you don’t have time to hang out with friends. Thus, you’re less likely to be betrayed or hurt by your friends, since you don’t have any.

Overall, there’s really no reason not to take AP classes. Heck, I’ll bet that in fifteen years taking AP classes will do more for your high school status than playing on the varsity football team. But don’t wait: take the number of APs that you can handle, multiply it by five, and then take that many AP classes. You’ll be astounded at how much your life improves.

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Comments

  1. Stunning read!

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