The Essential Guide to 4 Common P.E. Sports

A dangerous situation in P.E.Sure, we’ve covered sports before on this blog, but there are two differences between P.E. sports and regular sports: first, that all teens have to take P.E., even though not all teens have to play high school sports; and second, all P.E. sports have been specially thought up to make jocks look good and make everyone else look, well, to put it kindly, like they are a bunch of chickens trying to swim in oatmeal.

(You can find spring sports here and winter sports here).

Why? I don’t know why. It’s certainly not the fact that most P.E. teachers are football coaches. Nor the fact that it’s hard to avoid looking like a chicken trying to swim in oatmeal when you’ve just been trampled by a 400-lb teen and are still trying to run in a straight line.

Maybe it’s because there’s a certain gene that is either jock persona or drowning chicken, depending on which form you get.

Regardless of the reason, knowledge of the sports that are involved can certainly help you, even if you’ve already taken P.E., to remember what sports were played in P.E. (otherwise, after that concussion you got, it’s going to be tough to remember what you were actually doing when you got the concussion).

Dodgeball

This is such a classic P.E. game that it’s not even funny. And I mean that truly. You won’t be laughing after a round of dodge ball. The first problem you have is ensuring you are on the same team as all of the football players. This rarely happens, especially if it is girl vs boy (and you’re a girl), sophomore vs freshman, a random division of people, or, worst of all, jocks vs all.

The next problem you have is avoiding actually getting hit with a ball. Thus, the name ‘dodge ball.’ You can dive, you can duck, you can jump, and you can do the Macarena, but the truth is, if you aren’t already a jock, you are going to get hit. So, you should focus all your efforts on getting hit in the least painful place possible, such as the calf.

You might think that dodge balls, being mostly air, can’t possibly hurt that much. I can tell you from personal experience that the last guy I knew who was this careless ended up needing a torso transplant. That’s right; he didn’t just need another heart or a new lung. They had to replace his entire torso.

Volleyball

Volleyball probably has a higher injury rate than dodgeball. With dodgeball, one or two people get totally flattened, but the rest of the group escapes fairly unharmed (this is because after the first person goes down, lying on the ground in pain, he/she becomes an instant easy target). In volleyball, everyone has to hit the ball at some point.

Not only are the volleyballs harder than dodge balls, you are supposed to hit them with the sides of your wrists, where you have approximately 0.00003 inches of muscle to cushion the blow. Imagine someone taking a baseball and whacking you again and again on your bone, and you’ve got the basic problem with volleyball.

To score in volleyball, one gets the ball to land on the other side without it being hit back. So, it is generally a good idea, if you want to win, to hit the ball over and then tackle whoever is about to hit it back.

Sure, while you might end up crammed in a P.E. locker, especially if you tackled a jock, you’ll have won the game, which is all that anyone cares about in P.E. anyways. And I hear that the P.E. lockers get cleaned once a month, so you can’t have more than a 30-day wait.

Touch Football

Once upon a time, one football coach/P.E. teacher decided that he could make football ‘legal’ for P.E. by removing the tackle part. However, as this coach obviously knew, if you ‘touch’ someone too hard, you can basically tackle them.

Therefore, to avoid death, or, worse, humiliation in front of your peers, you need to avoid ever coming close to the football. Offering to be the center is usually a good choice, because no one really touches the center in touch football. Plus, you can pretty much do anything after snapping the ball, including running down the street to the nearest 7-Eleven, if you’re fast, and nobody will notice.

Ultimate Frisbee

To do well in ultimate frisbee, you need to be able to predict random movements of a plastic disk that doesn’t even look like it should be able to fly while factoring in wind speed, wind direction, Frisbee spin, and the cloud of small gnats. Or you could just be a jock.

Otherwise, while you might be directly under the Frisbee the whole time, you will never be able to catch it. Ever. You might get lucky, and manage to touch it, by, say, getting hit in the nose, but a catch won’t happen. The best thing to do is wait for someone else to catch it, and then grab it right before their hand has completely closed.

When it comes to throwing the Frisbee, you need to remember two things. One, you throw it with a wrist snap, not a wrist twist (which sends the Frisbee to the ground faster than a falling satellite). Two, the 330lb (high school) football linebacker in front of you can, somehow, jump seven feet vertically and swat the Frisbee down.

Now that you know what’s played in P.E., the logical next step is either:
• If you’ve already taken P.E.: call up the doctor and tell him you figured out what you were doing when your head became two dimensional, or
• If you’ve yet to take P.E.: practice. But don’t practice these sports; if you’re not already a jock, it’s too late for you. Instead, practice dodging, hiding, running away, and being invisible.

Last year, we broke things up with a much shorter post entitled “A Practice ‘Safe Driving’ Test,” where we brought you a driver’s knowledge test to help you prepare for the real thing. Want to know what the two pedals in every car are? (The answer is not what you might have been told).

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