The Invaluable Guide to 5 Spring Sports

A funny punIf you took my advice, which is something you should always do, with a grain of salt, of course (because that way I can blame your consequences on you being mentally impaired by extreme sodium intake as opposed to you having followed my terrible advice), then for the past few months you’ve been walking around with your Invaluable Guide to 5 High School Winter Sports.

However, winter is ending soon, which means, among other things, that this guide is about to become more outdated than a Model-T Ford (especially considering that my parents have kept a Model-T Ford in just-barely-working condition for me so that when I get my driver’s license they won’t care if I wreck my car). In that case, I recommend you replace it with our invaluable guide to spring sports.

After all, more teens generally do spring sports than winter sports. This is because most teens, having procrastinated long enough that they missed the winter sports’ registration deadline, decide that they will turn in their athletic clearance in time to do spring sports. And you, as a teen/parent/child/politician, probably need to know a few things about these sports to avoid embarrassing yourself.

Trust me, you don’t want to be the teen who opens their mouth and blurts: “Hey, guys, did you see how many points our school scored at the Track game yesterday? We had at least three grand slams and two aces. And we had a goal with only 59:23:10 left in the third half.” You don’t want to be this person, because it’s people like this who contribute to the problem of litter on public property. By noon the next day after saying something like that, I guarantee your body will be littered amongst the monkey-bars and ominously creaking swing set.

So, without further ado, mostly because I don’t know what ado is, so I can’t further it (not to mention I don’t know how to ‘further’ something, either), here is your invaluable guide to high school spring sports:

Baseball

Often called “America’s Pastime,” as in “In past times, America used to watch baseball until they discovered football and basketball,” this sport is the most jock-heavy sport in the spring. By jock-heavy, I mean that baseball players will make sure that you know they play baseball. To do so, they’ll use tactics such as wearing their baseball uniform to school, playing catch with their gloves (or “Mitts,” as baseball insiders and republicans call them), and walking up to you and saying, “Yo, dude, I play baseball.”

Baseball games are often unexciting. Of course, this is a relative statement. When I say the games are unexciting, I mean that they appear boring when compared to such fascinating things as brushing one’s teeth and the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

This is why the object of the game is to get a ‘home run,’ which, if it happens late enough in the game, ends the game and allows everyone to run home so they can do something more interesting, like knitting. (One study, which took place three seconds ago in my imagination, found that 95% of all teens who knit do so purely because it will set them apart when applying to college).

If you go to a baseball game it is proper to cheer for some violence, which adds interest, by shouting “Hit!”, or cheer for an end to the collective bargaining agreement of baseball players, which would end the game and relieve the boredom, by yelling “Strike!”

Track and Field

Track and Field is a tricky sport to sum up in a few paragraphs, mostly because Track and Field stands for about 600 smaller sub-sports. You’ve got the pole-vault, 100 meter spring, shot-put, 200 meter sprint, hurdles, 400 meter almost-sprint, javelin throw, 1500 meter run, long jump, 4×100 meter relay, high jump, 196000 meter hobble, jump backwards over the pit of lava, 10 meter sneeze, and, the most impressive event of all, the 1400 meter karaoke step while dodging shot puts and javelins.

This wide variety makes Track and Field somewhat more interesting to watch than Baseball, especially if someone gets hit with a thrown object or two runners smack into each other at high speed. To determine who wins a track meet, taking into account every event, the official scorer rolls a dice and/or officiates a rock-paper-scissors tournament between the two teams.

If you go to a track meet, it is proper to cheer things such as “Run!”, “Jump!”, “Throw!”, or “Duck!” I’d also advise wearing a bicycle helmet in case a javelin or shot put hits you and looking both ways before crossing the track.

Tennis

Tennis is a sport for two types of people: the people who are really good at tennis and the people who want to play a sport without having to be incredibly athletically talented or fit. Obviously, the first type of people generally makes up the Varsity team, while the second type of people end up holding umbrellas over the Varsity team so they don’t get rained out.

Tennis is scored using a simple system of counting by 15 twice, and then counting by 10, and then, if needed, using numbers that are actually words, like “ad in,” “ad out,” or “I don’t remember what the score is, do you?” Then, you repeat that at least six times and repeat all of that at least twice. And then you multiply by the combined ages of yourself and your opponent and divide that by the amount of money you both have in your wallets.

You don’t really need to cheer at tennis matches, because most really good players cheer for themselves using a language as simple as the scoring system (so to our complex human ears, it just sounds like grunts and moan-screams). If you want, you can shout out random numbers during the match to mess up the people keeping score.

Lacross

This sport, known as the ‘snowboarding’ of the spring because of the similar injury rates and coolness factors, involves running around with butterfly nets trying to get a super-bounce ball into a goal.

Lacross is scored by counting the number of goals. At a Lacross match, one should cheer things such as “Ouch!” or “Foul?! Are you blind?!”

Softball

Contrary to it’s name, a softball is actually heavier and larger than a baseball, and does more damage when it hits a window than a baseball does (I’m not speaking from experience, of course. I plead the fifth). This is the girl’s equivalent sport to baseball.

Softball is probably just as boring as baseball, except that instead of pitching overhand, one pitches underhand. This is because people needed a way to keep softball and baseball straight.

Again, as I conclude this ultimate invaluable guide, I recommend you print it and save it for any future use it may have. After all, you don’t know the next time someone will ask you “What’s the infield fly ball rule in baseball?” In which case, you can hand them this guide. They’ll start laughing too hard to remember that they asked you a question, and you’ll be off the hook. (FYI: the rule is that if a fruit fly hits the ball in the air when the ball is in the field, or infield, it doesn’t count and the pitch must be re-pitched).

This being one of our longer posts, I’d really appreciate it if you shared it with others you think might enjoy it (if you liked it yourself, of course).

At this point last year, we were warning you about “3 Common Causes of Phone Death.” If you have a phone, have ever used a phone, or know what a phone is, then you should read that post.

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