The Only Guide to Summer Movies You’ll Need

Funny Movie TitlesOkay, ladies and gentle-teens*, listen up. There are these things called movies, and they’re actually pretty cool. You see, you put this ‘movie’ into a machine and it plays a story for you. Plus each movie has a guaranteed: damsel in distress, animal character, middle, action scene, credit roll, end, soundtrack, male character, and beginning.

*This is an expression. Do not sue me if you discover that male teens are not so gentle the hard way.

And this summer, during which you’re busy procrastinating until you have to do absolutely nothing, is a great time to watch the new movies that are coming out.

You see, originally movies only featured close-up shots of cow eyes. Thus, they were called Moo Eyes, and that was shortened to movies (the ‘v’ was added because mooeyes was too awkward to say).

Now, thankfully, although the acting has arguably declined, movies feature lots of interesting plotlines and special effects. Such as “127 Hours”, a movie with a beginning (a guy trying to cut off his own arm with a smattering of fake blood), a middle (a guy cutting off his own arm while you see fake blood), and an end (a guy who cut off his own arm with lots more fake blood).

This summer, a number of new movies are premiering, whatever that verb means, and I’ve nicely decided to compile a guide to the greatest movies coming out based only on their titles.

The Amazing Spider-Man

Hold on to your popcorn; I’m sure you’ve seen all 300 other Spiderman movies, but this one’s special. Why? Because this one is the AMAZING Spiderman.

Previously, Spiderman’s movie appearances were clearly mediocre, average, and okay. Now, though, he’s back, and he’s actually amazing this time. Maybe that means he’ll save somebody and defeat the evil super-villain, because we all know the only things that have happened so far in the Spiderman movies are not very amazing. I mean, a guy made of sand? A green goblin that can fly? Please. I’d rather be watching the History Channel. At least that stuff isn’t nonfiction.

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

If you thought that the Spiderman movie defied expectations, wait until you hear about this one. Being a Madagascar movie, you’ve got your favorite cast of characters returning: the lion, the zebra, the hippo, the giraffe, the penguins, the monkeys, and that saber-toothed squirrel who can never seem to get to the acorn in time.

Additionally, you’ve got what Europe Most Wants, so to speak: a solution to the debt crisis. Travel with your realistically-rendered but somehow-talking animal buddies as you visit places such as the central bank of Greece, an Italian government building, and a foreclosed zoo.

The Dark Knight Rises

Batman. Apparently, he’s not as amazing as his other animal-superhero friend, Spiderman, but he is dark and he does rise. In theory, since bats can eat spiders, he’d be more powerful, but then again there are also those gigantic bird-eating spiders that are large enough to legally drive in some states, and I’m sure they could eat bats.

Regardless, this is a gripping tale about the rise of the dark knight. While the plot may be unoriginal, and the characters may seem familiar (Batman, his butler, and that saber-toothed squirrel), it’s sure to be a great movie to watch during those dark nights.

Ice Age: Continental Drift

The second third fourth movie in the it-is-slowly-losing-all-resemblance-to-the-greatness-that-was-ice-age-1 series, this movie is about a Continental Airlines 747 that gets caught by strong drift of wind. Ultimately, it hits a time-wormhole and then crashes amongst talking animals.

However, since you’ve already gotten used to the fact that the animals can talk, except for that saber-toothed squirrel, who can only chitter, instead you should focus on the plot. Will Manny the Mammoth and Sid the Sloth be able to cope with Perry the Plane Pilot and his planeload of humans, or will they all freeze to death?

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

The only documentary on this list so far, this movie details Abraham Lincoln’s days as a Vampire Hunter. Originally a Swedish monk living in the French Pyrenees Mountains in a humble Mongolian hut, Abraham Lincoln became a legendary vampire hunter after he accidentally landed on a vampire during one of his cross-country skiing marathons. Then the snow sort of hit a rough patch of vampires, and before you could say “Stephanie Meyer,” he’d accidentally crushed 23 more under his skis.

Now, while a largely unremarkable story at first, the movie producers realized this might be box office gold. After all, it dealt with vampires, which have become quite popular. Also, the main character shared a name with a famous American President, and, while not associated in any way with him, also wore a top hat while skiing.

While all of these summer movies sound great, I personally think that it would be really cool if they came out with them in 1D. I mean, we’ve seen 2D, we’ve seen 3D, and some of us have seen 4D (at amusement parks), not to mention that half of the movies themselves operate on the premise of 5 dimensions. But 1D is the ultimate experience. Since that doesn’t seem likely to happen in the near future, I’m just going to have to premier (I think that’s how to use it) myself some popcorn and wait.

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