The Periodic Table of the Elements-and You!

Periodic Table of TablesWith the recent discovery concerning neutrino particles, it is clear that science is changing and advancing at a rapid speed (faster than light, one might say).

For those of you who are just joining us on the Internet, neutrinos particles were ‘witnessed’ travelling about 0.[lot of zeros][# that isn’t a zero] seconds faster than the speed of light, meaning that not only is time travel now more feasible, but that you could, if you are lucky, actually travel back in time and tell Einstein that his theory of relativity is wrong.

Which means he would probably come up with a new theory and we would never question it, meaning we would never discover the neutrinos to go back in time in the first place; but I’ll let you wrap your head around that paradox. (Myself, well, I hear the price of neutrinos per ounce is still pretty low-I’d look into investing in those).

In all honesty, though, I don’t have time to worry about the neutrinos and other faster-than-light possibly radioactive cancer-causing brain-damaging particles that are probably shooting through my body fast enough to rip my liver to shreds if they so choose as I write this, because- sorry, just ran off to put on a lead-insulated jacket -because I need to worry about the periodic table of the elements.

This periodic table is very useful.

For example, when I want to know something basic about one of the elements I look to the periodic table, on which I’ve scrawled in big black permanent marker: “Just use Google.” Thus, Google is helpful too, but not as much as the periodic table, without which I’d be lost (I don’t want to even think about accidentally going to Yahoo, or, God forbid, Bing).  Google has shown me useful information over the years, including that there is something called ‘lead poisoning’ and now I’m stuck debating whether or not to risk those particles or the lead jacket (caught between a ‘rock’ and invisible particles).

But don’t let that worry you! Gosh, I’m sure if I sacrifice my old lemon torture science kit (the one that has the alligator clips and the light that you can power with a lemon) (and the one that used to be used to make the lemons confess to eating my homework) to the science gods, those particles will miss me-right?

It’s too Periodic

The thing about the periodic table that really bothers me is, well, the periodic-ness of it.  Periodic, for those that don’t know, means “occasional” or “regular”, which is why it is so boring to use.  I think that those scientists could really benefit from putting some random elements inside, such as ‘Mb’ (Monopoly board), ‘Dd’ (Doggy-doo), and ‘Ab’ ($29.99-and you only need to exercise that six-pack for four minutes a day!).

This could lead to some really groundbreaking discoveries and new compounds.  A compound is something like salt (sodium and chloride, or NaCl), so scientists could now discover the compounds crying children (Dd and Mb) and Crap (Dd and Ab).

The Symbols Make No Sense

While we’re thinking about it, you ought to examine the letter symbols that are used.  Some make sense, such as O for Oxygen, but others seem to have been thought up when a scientist spent too much time experimenting on himself.  For instance, ‘K’ stands for potassium, which means that conversations often go like this, in today’s shorthand communications:

“Meet me at the party @ 5, potassium?”
“Potassium, can do.”

When you consider Uranium is ‘U’, you would think that the federal government would be a lot more worried about today’s youth coordinating the development of weapons of mass destruction on Facebook and by text:

“ill pic uranium up at the bac of the gym”
“uranium’ll be there at 5, rite?”

And, when you consider that these jokes are easy to make using the hundred some abbreviations on the table and get old really fast, you end up with a bunch of angry readers who are not above sneaking into your house and changing your alphabet noodle soup to all “As” (symbol for arsenic).


So, before I make the mistake of including one-too-many bad jokes (with bad jokes, literally, one is too many) I want to mention the numbers in the boxes of the periodic table as well.  Actually, I don’t want to, but I feel I am morally obligated to, because how would you feel if you got stuck on a chart next to 117 other people with your weight and name clearly displayed?

Thus, I advocate that somebody needs to start a PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Elements) organization, or at least get some guy named Pete to join another equally important cause like the Occupy Wall Street cause or the LIP-ART cause (Legally Insane People Advocating for Regulation of Tyrannosaurus-rex’s).

With that, I must leave you, because in all seriousness, I should really just do my periodic table of the elements homework already.

Also, apparently the neighbor’s dog chewed my lead jacket up (and my neighbor won’t be too happy when he finds out), so not only am I very vulnerable right now to neutrino damage, but I also need to make a quick trip to REI and pick up some T-Rex repellent.  Apparently, my state still doesn’t regulate who is allowed to own those beasts, and, as fate would have it, my neighbor’s got three.

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  1. This piece of writing is amazing..
    Hilarious :D

  2. I wish your commenters were more enthusiastic. Perfectly imperfect sounds on the fence.

    • At least my commenters aren’t hypocrites (oh, except your comment-unless you are seriously enthusiastic about these comments :) ).
      – Phil

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