The Search for the Best School Project Adhesive

AIIIIIiiiiiiiiieieeeee! Ouchouchouchouchouch ouch!

[Insert Discovery Channel Nature Show Narrator] Narrator: These are human cries of distress.  What could be wrong? Is it the failed quest to find a mate? A predator’s ambush? Or simply physical pain caused by the alpha male of the food chain: hot glue? We’ll find out-right after this commercial break.

[Insert Commercial Break Promoting Highly Targeted Products, such as “Clean My PC” cd-roms].

[Cut Scene]

All right, so maybe that exclamation was a teeny-bit not based on fact; we all know that a hot glue burn would cause your exclamation of “AIIIIIIiiiiiiieieieieeeeee!” to be in all caps, not just some caps.

But this scene brings up an issue so important that it ought to have a congressional subcommittee dedicated to it: adhesives.  By adhesives, I mean tape, glue, hot glue, double sided tape, glue stick, staples, and, in a pinch, buffalo lard.

You see, the adhesive market is so full of options that it is difficult to decide upon just one when the need arises in order to complete a school project.  That means the question is: which is best?

The answer is complex: whichever adhesive company will pay me the most to promote them.  But, upon examination, patterns do arise.

The first pattern, or ‘motif’ in English-Teacher-Speak, is one of pain.  All forms of adhesive products (from herein referred to as “sticky things”) can inflict severe harm.

Hot glue burns.  Tape can remove both hair and skin, and, in extreme cases, tendons as well.  When wet glue gets on your hands, it causes a condition known as “AAHHHH! My skin is PEELING OFF! I’m going to be PEELED TO DEATH! Oh-ha ha, my bad, it’s just dried glue.” And, of course, there is the classic staple through the finger (“classic” because Shakespeare, in trying to staple his 2,000,000 page “Shakespeare: the Complete Collection” got many a staple through his finger).

Another thing one realizes about sticky things, after spending an all-nighter furiously trying to finish a project with them, is that they make a mess (in English Teacher Speak, this is known as an “abstract concept” from which one can draw “metaphors” about “life”).

Glue is incredibly difficult to get out of the carpet, unless you have a flamethrower and your parents were “planning to get hardwood floors anyways.” Tape is a bit easier, but tape has a nasty habit of ripping up the carpet, giving your floor a “70’s Bachelor Pad Shag” look, known today as the “My Barber doesn’t know English” look. Staples make the least amount of mess, but they aren’t too useful when it comes to assembling your scale model of a famous building (insert bad joke about the leaning tower of Pisa).

A final thing to consider is dependability.  For example, staplers are not dependable, as they are liable to jam, in which case you should be willing to lose three fingernails in an attempt to fix this.  Glue and glue sticks* can run out, or the cap can get filled with dry glue.  Tape can get stuck to itself, in which case you should still have two fingernails left with which to try to fix this.

In conclusion, after evaluating the three main types of sticky things, one thing becomes clear: I have too much spare time.  Well, obviously, but I meant the other “One thing” that becomes clear: you also have too much spare time  there is no perfect choice amongst tape, glue, or staples.  With that in mind, I propose the GluStapleTape.

Yes, that’s right, the GluStapleTape, which is essentially a roll of tape that is also covered on one side by glue, and every two inches there is a staple attached as well.  Functionally, I’m pretty sure this has all the problems mentioned above of every sticky thing, but in practice, it would be worth it just to see if anybody bought it (they’d have to have the intelligence level of Internet Explorer).

Wait, did somebody say there is a combination glue, staples, and tape product? No way! I’m totally going to buy that!

*Note: if you ever find a glue stick in your supply drawer that has been previously opened but still works, don’t use it.  Glue sticks are manufactured to be first-time-use only, and any ones you try to use the next day will be completely dried out and jammed due to some obscure law of physics.  So, if you find one that still works, yours is likely defective and has lead in it/will give you cancer.

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  1. They should totally create that though. It would be the product of the 21st century and an IQ test all in one.

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