The Ultimate Guide to Summer Chores

Chores listHow many of you would like to go through life without doing any work whatsoever? Show of hands, please.  Hey! You in the back! Raise your hand-do it! Hmm.  All of you.  That’s what I thought.

Sadly, I can’t actually teach you to avoid all work, because one of the tricks to avoiding all possible work is getting someone else to do the work.  This could work for most of you readers, but it has the reminiscence of a pyramid scheme.  That could be a problem, unless you are an elected official or CEO of a large company, in which case you are expected to have one of those on your résumé.

I can, however, give you some quick tips to avoiding many of your summer chores.  I can also hit somebody across the room from me with an airborne pencil, but, apparently, some people don’t find that impressive (like, say, my teacher).

Back to the summer chores stuff, though.  Since this an “Ultimate” guide, and not just a “Complete” guide, or “Dummy’s” guide (or, even more insulting, “Idiot’s” guide), I’m going to start by giving you a list of some common chores.

The first one I think you should be aware of is “Dishes.”  Dishes, depending on the context used, can apply to many things.  For instance, if your parents are nowhere near the kitchen, this means empty the dishwasher.  However, if an earthquake occurs, “Dishes” mean that you should sacrifice yourself and save the falling dishes.

You may think I’m joking, but I promise you, I’m not.  I don’t joke about serious matters like “Dishes.”

Another chore that I recently became aware of is “Weeding.”  Apparently, if you have a lawn, there are actually unfriendly plants.  I didn’t even know about this until last summer.  So, after you spend all winter and spring trying to get things to grow by dumping toxic chemicals on the plants, chemicals that would kill just about any human except maybe a pro football player, you need to kill some of the plants.

Actually, you can get the extra-toxic chemicals (harvested from nuclear sludge), these ones being powerful enough to kill some of the lesser-known Greek Gods, and these chemicals will kill the weeds for you.  However, since I prefer not to wear a gas mask when leaving my house, I (and you, unless you want to look like a sci-fi character from some movie with commercials that tell you nothing except that they spent a lot of money on special effects) am forced to weed by hand.

Weeding, alone, is bad enough, but sometimes your taskmaster will decide that, “While you’re outside…” you could do something else, like, say, clean up dead birds.  Again, I am still deadly serious; I have had the true experience of being outside weeding only to be asked to clean up dead birds.

I suppose I ought to give some background, because a few of you concerned readers are about to call the child health services department (I’ll bet none of you were; I threw that in there to make you all feel guilty).  Firstly, you should know that dead birds are really bad.  If you come upon a dead bird, with no sign of obvious cause for its death (like being run over by a semi-truck), then you should definitely call your local ‘wildlife people.’  This is urgent enough that if they are busy, you should call child health services.  If you get put on hold there, then call your senator.

The thing is, a dead bird signifies a disease of some sort, usually one with a non-obvious name, such us the “Bird flu,” “Avian flu,” or “H239N342.”  Now, I’m sure you’re worried, so here is how to test if you have contracted a disease: close your eyes, breath deeply, and see if you can remember where the nearest fast food joint is.

If you can, you are an American citizen, so your chances are 50/50 depending on a lot of things, including whether or not your health insurance provider ate his Wheaties that morning.  If you can’t, the media won’t broadcast your story, so I have no idea how things turn out for you.

Thankfully, in my case, it was different.  A hawk, or hungry redneck, had mostly eaten the dead bird I was hosing off our property.  Regardless, I still had to clean it up, including the blood on the fence from where the hawk (or redneck) had been perching/sitting.

Wow, I really got sidetracked.  Sorry about that.  I should have just put that into a sentence, albeit a multi-paragraph sentence.  Anyways, I think I’ve covered the most important and well-known chores you will be asked to do: “Dishes”, “Weeding,” and “Dead Bird Cleanup Duty.”

The question now becomes: how is it possible to avoid all this work? (For those of you keeping track, the question was previously, “Will I ever shut up?”, and, next, I think it will become “Is violence the answer?”, or “Does this nail polish make me look fat?”).

Since, as you can see, there is a wide range of chores (Dishes to Dead Birds), rather than coming up with chore specific methods, I have come up with general methods that I believe should work on most chores.

Fire is Your Friend

Yes, that’s right, reader: fire is your friend in these situations.  Before starting any chore, ask yourself this: Can I set [subject of chore] on fire?  Just think of how easy it would be to burn the dishes rather than put them away.  You could be seen as caring, cremating that dead bird rather than hosing it away.  Fire is your friend.

Get a Cast

Or another medical brace.  Everyone, including whoever may be assigning you work, understands that it is practically impossible to wash dishes with a jammed finger.  You could even take this a step farther and clothe the object of your labor in a sling.  You shouldn’t be expected to ruthlessly kill the weeds if half of them (the weeds) have sprained shoulders.

Make a Speech

Honestly, I think today’s society could prioritize more logically.  For instance, why am I expected to learn the formula for the volume of an isohectaseptquadrillelohedron before I can watch “Blues Clues?” That show teaches me real-life deduction skills, while I will probably never need to figure out the area of that shape unless I go into the field of Modern Furniture Design.

You can capitalize on these facts.  Make a heart-warming, emotionally charged speech to your parent/taskmaster as to why you should not have to complete your chores.  Assuming you follow and adapt my above example flawlessly, your parents will be too busy laughing at you to remember to ask you to do your chores.


Chances are, you have expertise in some field, probably in “social media marketing,” also known as “I have a bigger friend count than you (nah-nah-na-nah-nah).”  Make an offer your parents can’t refuse, such as offering to “optimize” their Facebook page.  This gets you out of the chores, and allows you to further enjoy summer (“Yes, mother, I’m positive these pictures from your college days will add to the feel of professionalism”).

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list (is that the right word? What I mean to say is, don’t sue me).  Feel free to test the results and adapt these methods to whatever it is you are supposed to do.  Currently, the only problem that I can see is if your chores covered one of these tricks; for example, if you were asked to light a fire in the fireplace.  However, if that problem arises, simply use another trick; here, I would make a speech about why we don’t actually need the warmth from a fire in the summer, or I would bargain and offer to set fire to the curtains.  Either one works.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Additional Resources

Want more?

Like this post? Want more just like it? Have a strange rash on your arm that is slowly turning into an alien life form? Subscribe to get more-convenient and free (yes, that is even the solution to that last question).

Grab our Ebook!

Our ebook cover

Want more hilarious content? Get our ebook! It's 5,500+ words with 19 exclusive pictures. You can pick up your copy on our ebook page.

Grab the Badge!

my badgeIf you want to share this blog with your readers, you can copy and paste the html code below.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: