Torturous Eye Doctor Examinations

A picture of a damaged eyeAs a follow up to my well-received (read: nobody threatened to cut off my internet access or my head) “The Torturous Dental Examination,” I thought that I would deal with the doctor who examines those two things you are using right now, known as eyes.

You see, as a general rule, doctors don’t have a great reputation among teens/kids.  This could be because:

  • The doctor does something weird, awkward, and painful
  • There are stories of the doctor doing something weird, awkward, and painful
  • The doctor alerts you to something you didn’t know exists but will probably kill you, your third cousin, and your pet rat, along with possibly sparking the next “Plague/Epidemic” movie
  • The doctor doesn’t use regular English, but instead of mix of Latin and deadly-sounding words

These are all valid reasons, especially the stories, which can be found on any respectable site filled with trash and non-truth.   There is the theory that doctors actually keep you healthy, but, let me ask you this, reader: who propagates those theories? THE DOCTORS! Yep, you can file that under ‘conspiracy theories,’ aka absolute facts (the file ‘conspiracy theories’ can be found right between ‘UFO sightings’ and ‘World is Round’).

So, back to eye doctors.  Rather than walk you through the whole exam (which can take upwards of eighty years, depending on what needs to be done), I’m just going to hit on some highlights (read: I’m too lazy to explain everything).

The Letters

The classic essential to every eye-doctor’s arsenal, mostly because it is the one part of the examination that other people understand the purpose of: to show just how small the font size can get when it comes to fitting your test notes on one 3×5 note card.

The doctor will cover your eye with a black patch and ask you to use your other eye to read the letters.  As the letters, past a certain size, become indistinguishable, you should definitely guess, as colleges are now also requesting your eye-exam results when determining how “diverse” you are (which leads to acceptance).  So, if your eyes get a score of 3/19ths Icelandic-Botswanan-Albanian, that’s a good thing.

When it comes to good guesses, they are usually letters, so “Abcdefghi…” really fast is the way to go.  Also, you could just try to distract the eye doctor so that they forget to check their answer key (I’d try asking them about complicated dental procedures, which they may know nothing about, but may try to bluff their way through anyways).

The Big Scary Machine

I’m referring, of course, to the big scary spooky horror-movie-esque machine.  The one that they put in front of your face which looks like it could suck out your soul and maybe also a confession for the Jack the Ripper murders.

But, really, there’s no reason to be scared (unless the machine falls off its precariously flexible and skinny stand and crushes you to death).  All that will happen is the doctor will do a little black magic, mess with your sight, and ask which is better, 1 or 2? If you are unsure, guess “C)”.

Taking Your Eye Pressure

Apparently, your eyes have pressure.  Now, if you’ve got one of those free pressure-checkers from Les Schwab you can do this yourself, but chances are you forgot to bring one.

So, instead, the eye doctor is going to numb up your eyes using eyedrops.  To avoid grossing/freaking you out, I won’t describe what this feels like (just imagine that you’ve got some peeled grapes where your eyes should be except that they are tingling as if they had a bunch of fruit-eating gnats all over them-oops, my bad.  Forget I described it).

Then, now that you can’t feel your eyes (it only feels as if you’ve got some large heavy marbles that react to air and are slimy), the doctor will attempt to touch them with a pen-like implement.  While they tell you this takes the pressure, in reality they are just fooling with you, and are writing “Dr. Bob Robertson was here” on the back of your retina.

The Dilation Process

Yes, you knew it was coming. The dreaded part where your pupils grow large and you can’t read/see anything too well up close.

Obviously, then, after your eyes are dilated they ask you to sign the check to pay them (which you can’t read the amount of), the liability waiver, and the iTunes terms of service agreement (has anybody ever read that?) just for kicks.

Another side effect of this is that you have to wear sunglasses if the sun is out, which can make you look cool.  However, it will probably just make you look like a dork, because, chances are, you already wear glasses if you get this treatment, and are now a six-eyes.

It’s pretty clear to me that the eye doctor is not a fun place to visit, especially if you have to finish your homework with your eyes dilated.  Also, when the sun comes through the window and you’re at the computer (and have dilated eyes), I hear the double-reflection will permanently blaoa yqpi ad adfow.

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  1. Yeah. My eye doctor was looking into my eyes once, and was so close up to my face that i could feel her breath on my face. She was literally 1 inch from my face, concentrating on the serious matter at hand which was, my eye’s health. It was veeerry awkward.
    And so, naturally. I got uncontrollable giggles. The worst i have ever had in my life.
    But i felt it inappropriate to make them audible, so, i made them as silent as possible – leading me to have some weird body spasm, resulting in watery eyes, a red face, and the loss of my Doctor’s temper.
    The joys of being a teenager, eh?

    • Ha. Yeah, it can be pretty weird sometimes. And I always worry about angering my doctor-“accidents” happen, possibly even during procedures involving a drill/scalpel.

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