We Need More “Snow” Days

Snow day

It's all about perspective

It’s January.  Do you know what that means? It means we have approximately a million days until spring break, not to mention a bagajitrillion days until summer vacation.  You see, the schools didn’t just wake up one day and decide to offer randomly interspersed vacations.  No, they sent the top science teachers to a mountain retreat and did not feed them until they determined exactly how long each student could survive in peak work condition without a break. (Although there are many other conspiracy theories).

Then, they doubled that time and set up spring break, winter break, and summer break. Fall, feeling shortchanged, decided to remove itself from the seasons in protest, which is why nobody really ever thinks of it being ‘fall’ anymore; we go right from warm summer to cold winter.  (Moral of the story: protesting by ‘leaf-ing’, or leaving, doesn’t always work).

However, right about now you should begin to feel the strain, because winter break has been over for weeks.  You are probably contemplating throwing your books at the wall in frustration and then dropping out of school, willing to take your chances in the organ and uranium trade that happens in crime-ridden northern Canada.  Although that is a bad idea, because most textbooks are heavy enough to smash through your walls, your neighbor’s walls, and the walls of the house down the block, all in one throw.

The solution, of course, lies in the thing known as ‘snow days.’ They are, essentially, one-day winter breaks that can happen at any time, often in a row.  I expect them to become more common in September, what with the global climate change, but right now, January is prime time for snow days.  I should know; I have almost had 40 snow days since the start of January (although I’ve actually had 0).

So why don’t schools give us more snow days? Well, it’s because Hollywood has a deal with the schools to keep them open. Hollywood, currently out of plot ideas, is hoping that a school bus will some day get stranded in the snow, so they can make a movie about a school bus full of multi-cultural, multi-racial, multi-eyed innocent school children that get stranded in the snow on top of a cliff that is about to collapse (in the middle of some terrible third-world communist cannibalistic country) for 6.34 days that is “based on a touching true story.”

Ha ha. No, schools aren’t even that smart; rather than milking their policies of ‘no snow days-I don’t care if the weatherman just got hit by a car that skidded on ice into the studio-ever, and that’s FINAL’ for money from Hollywood, they listen to the interests of ‘the people.’  Here, the ‘people’ refers to a very, very small population of about 6 single moms, all of whom coincidently live in South Florida, where it never snows anyway.

These moms hate snow days.  If school closes, then they have to stay home from work, meaning they don’t go to work, meaning “ARE YOU MOCKING ME, YOUNG MAN?” they don’t go to work, which, of course, is bad, because then they don’t go to work.  “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?” Which is really bad, because then the global economy collapses and the Canadians, Mexicans, and “all the little islands that we were supposed to memorize in 7th grade that I never bothered to memorize”-ians invade the US and take it over.

No, that doesn’t happen, but, as you can see, I had to throw that in to appease the 6 moms who are, well, incredibly vocal when it comes to snow days.  The schools also have to appease these moms, which is why we don’t have enough snow days, especially when there is actually snow on the ground, and not just morning dew.

But really, I think schools should consider the dangers of not having enough snow days. For instance, let’s say that there is even a little bit of snow on the ground.  Schools should close, because otherwise:

  • You could slip and hit your head.
  • A snowball could hit you in the leg, making you go “Hey!”
  • The school bus could actually get stranded, meaning you would have to fight your way to school amongst a swarm of Hollywood writers.
  • Icicles could fall from the school’s overhang, harming students.
  • The school’s roof could collapse due to the increased weight of .3 inches of snow, crushing everybody inside and forever immortalizing that school as the place where “School roof Colapeses-LOL so funny” on YouTube.
  • You could slip and fall into a Hollywood writer, making them hit their head, leading a cameraman to avenge their death by attacking you with an icicle and leaving you on the roof, which then collapses.

Clearly, every one of these things is more dangerous than 6 moms not going “NO IT ISN’T! YOU SAID s THAT THE U.S. WOULD CEASE TO EXIS-“ to work, because “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? THIS IS REAL LIFE! WHEN DID YOU EVER HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILI-“ without these snow days, the entirety of students everywhere will “DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE! GO TO YOUR ROOM!”

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  1. Hahaha! This post was hilarious. And it’s so true. “School roof Colapeses-LOL so funny” is what it would be called. Every video on Youtube has a title like that. And we should totally just have a snow day because taking the risk of saying “Hey!” is so dangerous. Hahaha.

  2. burstoutinsong!!! says:

    I mentioned before the lack of snow here in Alabama so there’s pretty much no hope for me…unless it starts to flurry again! OH NO WE CAN’T HAVE THAT! EVERYONE SHUT DOWN THE SCHOOLS!!!!! that’s exactly what would happen if it started to flurry, everyone would freak out, but it rarely does even that happen…good luck on your snow days though!

    • Good luck on those snow days to you, too. It’s always great if it does actually snow in a place that isn’t used to it, because since the town has a total of 2 snowplows, everything shuts down for longer than it might in a town like, oh, say, New York City. Especially if some “rowdy,” “delinquent,” or brilliant teens ‘disable’ one or both of those plows.

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