Wonderful School Bus Rides

Inside view of school busThe average school bus could keep a psychologist occupied for a year.  I’m not sure why, but it seems that being on a school bus brings out the ‘weird’ in people.    Maybe it is the yellow color, the old, musty, leather seats, or even the fact that there is no seat belt to keep people’s brains connected to the rest of their body during transit.

The morning ride isn’t so bad.  It’s dark out, and nobody’s awake enough to use more than a few organs at a time.  Lots of people sleep, unless you are unlucky enough to be on a field trip bus.  Then there is always the one person who feels a need to shout, “I’m so excited!” in case you missed it the first few times, just as you are finally able to fall asleep.  One of these days, I plan to work up the courage to shout back, “I’m so worried for your near-future safety!”

However, on those daytime bus rides home, things can get a little more interesting.  For one, it is light outside, so you can see the interior of the bus.  While this might not seem immediately pleasant, you should realize that this allows for a new form of entertainment: picking at the gray duck tape on the back of the seat in front of you.  See, it is incredibly entertaining to the teenage brain to slowly peel it back, only to return it to its original position at the end of the ride.  The tape is originally placed there when someone pokes a hole in the seat, to prevent the from-concentrate stuffing from falling out.

Frankly, I think the bus drivers should simply put the tape on the seats before the holes are poked; this would save the students the trouble of poking the hole in the seat to let the bus driver know that they would like some tape to play with.  At the very least, the system should be updated to the airline standard.  I mean, when I want a drink, I don’t cough until the person next to me gets up and leaves (to hide in the bathroom for the remainder of the flight, convinced that I am dying of an exotic lung disease) and wait for the flight attendant to ask if I’m thirsty.  There is a button for that, at least.

Enough about tape, let’s talk about windows.  What I believe happened is that the US patent office accidentally set fire to every window function patented, from sliding to pushing up or out.  Without these patents, people forgot how to make windows.  Therefore, the bus manufacturers were forced to find the most inconvenient way to open windows possible, to ensure that the patent office set fire to the patent immediately instead of waiting around for a few years.  That’s why one must stand up, use both hands to push in the two buttons, and pull down to open a window, finding precise holes for those buttons.  Also, to make sure people learned to use the windows, school busses always made the temperature too hot or the air too stuffy.  Of course, when you get off the bus, the driver asks you to close the window, because he doesn’t remember how.

I’d also like to know what the bodily fluid clean-up kit is for.  I’ve never seen anyone bleed so massively that they required more than a band-aid.  I think that it is a bunch of sweat bands, for sweat, so when the bus breaks down on that one day where you have a gazillion things after school and can’t change your schedule, not even by a minute, you can lean, grunt, push the bus from behind while avoiding the indignity of getting sweaty.

There are a number of other features I could talk about, but I’ll pick the outside of the bus.  The little yellow thing that extends from the bus when it stops is the modern version of a train’s cattle catcher, or pilot.  If livestock gets in the way, or the stray pedestrian, the bus can push it out of the way and continue driving at the pace of snail on crutches instead of stopping (wouldn’t want the bus to slow down the cars behind it, now, would we).

Lastly, I’d like to point out how brilliant “Unlawful to pass while red lights flash” is.  Not only does it tell you the literal meaning, I feel that it is also a metaphor, something along the lines of how one should never try to go around problems on the road of life, but rather wait patiently for solutions.  With that deeply philosophical statement, I must leave to protest the government, for I just learned that federal budget cuts may lead to a decrease in available gray duct tape.

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  1. I really like your blog, and this post is so true! :P

  2. Thanks, Dustin. I'm glad that you like our blog, and I'm even happier that you took the time to comment.

    - Phil


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