Your Schedule: Life During Finals

A clockSchool ends in a month, and, like a bad blog post, you want it to end, but there’s that little bit of you that thinks: do you really want it to end? (The answer is yes). Of course, just like a bad blog post, and Rebecca Black, the more time you spend reading/watching/attending, the worse it gets. Which means that the last week of school will be full of these little inconveniences known as finals.

They are not as inconvenient as, say, waking up on the wrong side of the bed and breaking your nose because the bed is against a wall, then being carted to a hospital where they inform you that they will need to amputate your nose and that you will walk around looking like Voldemort for the rest of your life (unless, of course, you are somebody famous, in which case many people will rush to amputate their nose), but more inconvenient then, say, getting pushed into a pool while wearing a tuxedo.

I’d like to start off, two paragraphs too late, by telling you why finals are so stressful. Basically, finals determine your grade, which determines your GPA, which determines what colleges you will apply/get accepted to, which can determine your job opportunities, which determines your pay, which determines whether or not you can afford a nose operation for your kid when they, too, break their nose by waking up into a wall.

Therefore, I’ve got a sample schedule for you of life during finals week.

Weekend Before (Saturday and Sunday): Study Math, Science, English, French, Health, History, and Theoretical Nuclear Particle Physics.

10:00 PM Sunday: Get into bed.

11:00 PM Sunday: Start worrying that you might not sleep tonight.

12:00 AM Monday: Concede that there will be no real rest tonight.

1:00 AM Monday: Fall asleep.

2:34 AM Monday: Wake up, jump out of bed, and then realize your alarm hasn’t yet gone off.

4:09 AM Monday: Repeat what happened at 2:34.

5:22 AM Monday: Wake up, look at clock, and decide that it is close enough to 6 AM to warrant finally waking up.

5:23 AM Monday: Try to count how many hours of sleep you got, but stop because you are unable to add 1.5 + 1.5 +1.5.

5:24 AM Monday: Fall back to sleep.

6:00 AM Monday: Submerge head completely in cold water; the adrenaline from almost drowning should wake you up (unless you actually drown, in which case you can ignore the rest of this schedule).

6:30 AM Monday: Eat breakfast, and, depending on your intelligence level, drink coffee.

7:08 AM Monday: Almost get hit by the school bus because you had decided to sleep in the street.

7:09 AM Monday: Get angry lecture from school bus driver.

7:21 AM Monday: Get to school. Learn that school starts a half-hour later so students could get more sleep, except you can’t sleep in if you want to catch the bus because they don’t change the bus schedule.

7:22 AM Monday: Give angry lecture to school bus driver.

7:30 AM Monday: Find a quiet corner to study.

8:00 AM Monday: Start Testing.

8:33 AM Monday: Have miniature heart attack when you realize you forgot to study this section of your math book.

8:35 AM Monday: Make 27 consecutive guesses of ‘C.’

9:45 AM Monday: Finish your first final. Sleep in the hallway.

10:00 AM Monday: Start English final.

10:22 AM Monday: Realize that you will never understand the poem you’re supposed to analyze, and instead try to tie it in to vague themes like ‘life,’ ‘death,’ ‘the passage of time,’ and ‘ax^2+bx+c.’

10:24 AM Monday: Frantically scratch out your last paragraph as you remember that ax^2+bx+c was what you needed for the math test, and thus line 6 of the poem is probably not a metaphor about it.

10:47 AM Monday: Finish the English final an hour ahead of everyone else. Sweat/cry until you run out of salt.

11:45 AM Monday: English final ends. Talk in the halls with fellow test-takers and learn that the poem was actually about how clichéd the themes of ‘life,’ ‘death,’ and ‘the passage of time’ are, according to the athor.

12:00 PM Monday: Eat lunch. Study frantically for your science final. Try to simulate the formation of a solution using your Gatorade and Sandwich.

12:45 PM Monday: Start science final.

1:30 PM Monday: Your calculator runs out of batteries.

1:32 PM Monday: After two minutes of frantic negotiations with your science teacher, he’s agreed to allow you to borrow a calculator in return for getting your wallet, phone, and car.

2:30 PM Monday: Finish the science final. Go home.

3:00 PM Monday: Study for your History final. The dates actually literally start coming out of your ears, until you are in a five-inch-deep pile of dates.

6:00 PM Monday: Eat dinner while using your mashed potatoes, fork, and peas to re-enact the civil war (taking note of specific battle outcomes and their importance).

7:00 PM Monday: Start studying for your Health final.

11:00 PM Monday: Read about the dangers of being too stressed in the Health textbook.

12:00 PM Monday: Read about the dangers of getting less than eight hours of sleep a night in the Health textbook. Laugh hysterically.

[Repeat for Tuesday and Wednesday, subbing in the appropriate finals]

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Comments

  1. burstoutinsong!!! says:

    hahaha this was so great!!! (and also very true) i can’t believe you still have a month of school left though! i’m already out :D…good luck on your finals!

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